1) Never allow yourself to get more into the girl than she is into you.
2) If she has sex with you on the first date, she's a keeper.
3) No matter how amazingly the two of you clicked, if you call the girl the day after the first date she will never speak with you again.
4) The moment she shows any signs of clinging, disconnect your cell phone, change your e-mail, shave your moustache and enter Witness Protection.
5) If she asks you why you're drinking at 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning, crack the bottle over your skull to show her who wears the pants in the relationship.
6) If you find yourself juggling multiple girlfriends, be sure to treat each of them as if they were expendable, so when they finally catch on to your commitment-fearing ways they'll dump you and months later when you've successfully eliminated all serviceable late-night booty calls you can throw yourself pity parties on your blog.
7) If you manage to bring home a girl you meet at a bar, fuck like rabbits until dawn and then treat her to brunch in the morning, take a good long look at her face, because that's the last time you'll ever see her.
8) No matter how bad a dry spell you may be in, do not send a late-night drunken text to the fat skank you hooked up with a month ago, unless you're looking for an excuse to vomit the next morning.
9) Even is she's the greatest girl that ever girled, never let a woman get in between you and your first love.
10) Complain regularly about how easy it was to get ass in high school and college. When presented with viable post-collegiate ass, do everything in your power to find reasons why she isn't girlfriend material.
and of course,
11) Never realize how good you have it at the time. Only afterwards, when your girlfriend/hook-up is long-departed should you start remorselessly torturing yourself (and by extension, your friends) on a daily basis over how you should have treated her better and question why you didn't make more of an effort.
