Well, here I am, almost my birthday, and I'm doing thinking. A LOT OF IT! Unfortunately, finances suck, so I can't get a couple of beers and try to get my mind off of it.
Things I'm thinking about (in no particular order.)
Why did they have to improperly slot me at work so that my replacement shows up when we are so close to deployment, and here I am without a job?
Why does what I want seem like it is so far away, but yet so close at times?
Why does that email you send when you been drinking seem like it was so right the next morning, but still feel so wrong?
Does anyone read this thing?
Why is it someone can come into your life, and be gone before you realize it was the best thing?
Why can't I get used to being alone every night?
Why do I say I need someone in my life, but then push them away when they do? (STUPIDITY!)
Why can't I remember how to make cows crap crude oil, I know I found that answer!
Is all of this work for a couple of dollars which never stretch far enough worth it?
Why didn't I go home when I had the chance (more often)?
If something happens to me, how will all of my friends in real life and here know?
If something happens, will my boys know what they mean to me?
Maybe it's just the stress of not getting any closer to being ready for deployment, or the usual predeployment thinking.
Maybe it's this having been alone every night for the past too many months.
Maybe it's just stupidity, maybe it's just anxiety.
Maybe I am evaluating my self-worth again.
Maybe it's the fact that the new boss in my shop threw me for a loop today.
It could be a million things, but it could be nothing. Maybe it was me redoing my will on Tuesday. It could be as simple a fix as just a good night of drinking, or it could be as complex as actually coming face to face with my mortality.
Or maybe it is the fact that it has been 7 years since a good friend of mine was killed. I know, they say in the Army it's not if you lose a friend, but when.
It could be the fact that one of the Soldiers that could be working for me in a few weeks if I change companies like I think I will be, got pretty seriously injury, and the Doctor said that he broke his leg in three places, and about 4 inches was POWDER! Oh yeah, and I passed by the accident, and debated on stopping to render aid. I didn't stop. (I had been taught that since I am in the Army and we receive more than most people, we are supposed to stop.) I have stopped at worse looking accidents. I have stopped at nothing looking accidents.
I'm just thinking too much. Just needed to put some stuff out there.
And for those who don't know, I am deploying soon or soon after I return from a Professional School that starts in April. Nope, the Iraq troop withdrawal does not affect me.
