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Just Another Guy's blog: "Just Stuff"

created on 01/30/2007  |  http://fubar.com/just-stuff/b50098

The Why's Of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? ( because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? ( don't know.....it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) * **Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart **! for the ladies....... *One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .' And they say blondes are dumb... ** **----------------------------------------------- ** A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' ** 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,'she replied. ** Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor B: GAY Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,I'll beat him to death. AMEN ** Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men.----------------------------------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

IF by Rudyard Kipling

My Grandmother gave me a plaque a long time ago with this poem on it. Since my boys were old enough it has been posted in their bathroom next to the mirror, I don't know if they have ever actually read it. But if they get just a piece of it, then they have learned something. If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master; If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two imposters just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools; If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!" If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings -- nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -- Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son!
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahhhh, it's cute. 3. Why don't we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 8. It's okay, we'll work around it. 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10. Oh no... I just got a flash headache. 11. (Giggling and pointing) 12. Can I be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense. 14. This explains your car. 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 16. Why is God punishing me? 17. At least this won't take long. 18. I never saw one like that before. 19. But it still works, right? 20. It looks so unused. 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 23. Are you cold? 24. If you get me real drunk first. 25. Is that an optical illusion? 26. What is that? 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 28. Does it come with an air pump? 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
Another little story I thought I would share. I hope everyone has a great day. A Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter,"Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river." The little girl said, "No, Dad. You hold my hand." "What's the difference?" Asked the puzzled father. "There's a big difference," replied the little girl. "If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go." In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person whom you love rather than expecting them to hold yours...

Decision making

I like this stroy because of the way it ends, and explains itself. Sometimes we do not think about the impact of our decisions. When I was in the military I was taught about "intent vs impact". Sometimes our best intentions have an adverse impact. So, with that being said, I hope you enjoy the story below. Here is a small story on decision making. Please go through the story very carefully to get the sense of it. Which one will you choose? A group of children were playing near two railway tracks, one still in use while the other disused. Only one child played on the disused track, the rest on the operational track. The train came, and you were just beside the track interchange. You could make the train change its course to the disused track and saved most of the kids. However, that would also mean the lone child playing by the disused track would be sacrificed. Or would you rather let the train go its way? Let's take a pause to think what kind of decision we could make............ .. No cheating... Most people might choose to divert the course of the train,and sacrifice only one child. You might think the same way, I guess. Exactly, I thought the same way initially because to save most of the children at the expense of only one child was rational decision most people would make, morally and emotionally. But, have you ever thought that the child choosing to play on the disused track had in fact made the right decision to play at a safe place? Nevertheless, he had to be sacrificed because of his ignorant friends who chose to play where the danger was. This kind of dilemma happens around us everyday. In the office, community, in politics and especially in a democratic society, the minority is often sacrificed for the interest of the majority, no matter how foolish or ignorant the majority are, and how farsighted and knowledgeable the minority are. The child who chose not to play with the rest on the operational track was sidelined. And in the case he was sacrificed, no one would shed a tear for him. The friend who forwarded me the story said he would not try to change the course of the train because he believed that the kids playing on the operational track should have known very well that track was still in use,and that they should have run away if they heard the train's sirens. If the train was diverted, that lone child would definitely die because he never thought the train could come over to that track! Moreover, that track was not in use probably because it was not safe. If the train was diverted to the track, we could put the lives of all passengers on board at stake! And in your attempt to save a few kids by sacrificing one child, you might end up sacrificing hundreds of people to save these few kids. While we are all aware that life is full of tough decisions that need to be made,we may not realize that hasty decisions may not always be the right one "Remember that what's right isn't always popular... and what's popular isn't always right."

Husband And Wife Jokes

The wife stands in front of a mirror."you know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror & I see an old woman, face wrinkled, fat legs & flabby arms" She turns to her husb & says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He says in a soft voice, "your eye sight is perfect" ************************************************** Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ? A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so. ************************************************** Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ? Husband : Nothing. Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ..?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiration date. ************************************************** Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no. ************************************************** A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! ************************************************** A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." ************************************************** A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" ********************************************************** WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. **********************************************************
Horror gripped the heart of the World War I soldier as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle. Caught in a trench with continuous gunfire whizzing over his head, the soldier asked his lieutenant if he might go out into the "No Man's Land" between the trenches to bring his fallen comrade back. "You can go," said the Lieutenant, "but I don't think it will be worth it. Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your own life away." The Lieutenant's words didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway. Miraculously he managed to reach his friend, hoist him onto his shoulder, and bring him back to their company's trench. As the two of them tumbled in together to the bottom of the trench, the officer checked the wounded soldier, then looked kindly at his friend. "I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead, and you are mortally wounded." "It was worth it, though, sir," the soldier said. "How do you mean, 'worth it'?" responded the Lieutenant. "Your friend is dead!" "Yes sir," the private answered. "But it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive, and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say, 'Jim, I knew you'd come.'" "A true friend is the greatest of all blessings and the one which we take the least thought to acquire."
TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...SINGLE -Love is like a butterfly... The more you chase it, the more it eludes you But if you just let it fly... It will come back to you when you least expect it Love can make you happy...but often it hurts Love is only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...NOT SO SINGLE -Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person" Its about finding someone who helps you... Become the best person you can be TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...ENGAGED -The true measure of compatibility... Is not the years spent together But how good you are for each other TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...MARRIED -Love is not about..."its your fault"...but..."i'm sorry" Not..."where are you"...but..."i'm right here for you" Not..."how could you"...but..."i understand" Not..."i wish you were"...but...i'm thankful you are" TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...HEARTBROKEN -Heartbreaks last as long as you want... and cut as deep as you allow them to go The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks... but to learn from them

The Bird Feeder

A great email I recieved: I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table... everywhere. Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be... quite, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now lets see...our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families: you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor: your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English: Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "1" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

Kids and Growing up

I posted most of this as a comment to a bulletin. But after I read what I posted I decided to pu it in my blog as well. The school shootings are making big headlines and has everyone scared about it happening in their school. The media makes it seem like it is everywhere all the time. The actual percentages of shootings is low when compared to the number of schools there are in America. I wish none would happen as everyone does. But, it is not as big a national crisis as the media makes it out to be. This next section is what I posted in the comment....... I feel we are forcing our children into this mentality. We have police in the schools now. A fist fight = assault; A mad word to a teacher = verbal assault; a pinch on the butt = Sexual assault; A whistle = Sexual harrassment. And we wonder why if they are mad that they take it to the extreme. "If I am going to get into trouble, I might as well do it good." We need to go back and let our kids be kids. Punish them when they are bad, reward them when they are good. But quit making criminals out of a child that is learning about life. And let our kids have a life at home. If you stop and think, most kids are being told to do something from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed. I would fall apart as well if I had to live like that. If you have never seen the show "Bang Bang Your Dead" Watch it. You can also down load the screen play on Bangbangyourdead.com. It was an eye opener for me, and I am sure it will open your eyes as well to how a child see's life on a day to day basis.
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