so. here I am. feeling so weak. my mother is lying in a hospital bed...with all of those breathing machines attached to her. I feel like every time that I turn around...that I am losing someone that I love. my mom and I haven't really been that close since I was a child, but she is the only mother that I was provided with, and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. if anything, I'd change the fact that I ever disrespected her in any way; despite whether she ever showed me any respect or not. it's funny, because it takes something like this to happen...to finally have a reality check. I can remember the times when I was a little girl...when my mom would wake me up and say 'Summer, we are going on a little road-trip,' and then she would put my hair in pig tails, and dress me up in these cute little two piece outfit's...and then put her purse on the front seat (since those were the days that car-seats weren't necessary, you know?) and then she'd put my short little butt on her purse, and throw in a Janet Jackson tape...and on the road we would be. We would drive forever and ever, and then WHAM...I'd see the Mickey Mouse ears that are at the Disney World entrance, and she'd be like 'Look baby! we are lost!' and I'd say, no we aren't mommy! we are going to Disney World...my mom may not have been the best mother in the world, but I love her SO much that it hurts SO bad to know that it is even possible that I could lose her. I'm scared...and although I am trying to be strong for Hannah, and lock myself away in the bathroom to cry, I found myself breaking down in front of her today...and I felt so bad. she doesn't need to know what is going on...because she is too young to understand. it's hard to explain. I guess that is why I am writing this. because all that I can do...is cry, and feel guilty for always remembering the bad times over the good. I just wish that I could have been a little less selfish, and a little more understanding. especially when it came to the woman that used to sing me 'Somewhere over the Rainbow,' and 'The wind beneath my wings...' whenever I'd wake up during a nightmare, or whenever I was sick. She is so precious to me. So beautiful...any of her imperfections and flaws, have never been anything less than perfect to me. I miss her words. I need my mommy back...and Hannah needs her granny. well. I suppose that my rambling tonight is enough for now...good night and sleep sweet. xO.
