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It's been awhile since I've taken the time to sit down and "let 'er rip" so to speak, so I figured that I would make the time today to do so as it might be awhile before I do again.
I haven't been around much the past while, for a number of reasons really, but most of all I just haven't had the energy and the heart. I've met some incredible people through this site, but after awhile it seems to just grow to be too much to keep up with. Now, don't go thinking that just because I'm feeling that way that it means I don't care, because that is definitely not the case at all. I think about many of you from time to time and day to day, but I feel that I've lost some of myself in doing so. There are people that I have connected with on much more than just a "cyber-friend" level and I enjoy hearing how they are doing and what is going on in their lives, but I noticed a few months ago that I was getting too wrapped up in it all and took a much needed step back.
The past few months have been incredibly difficult. It has been a roller-coaster ride like none I've ever been on before...and I'm not sure it's one that I would buy a season's pass to either. I have had incredible ups....so far up that I swear the clouds were brushing against my forehead. But of course, as the old saying goes...what goes up, must come down and holy shit did gravity ever do it's job. I hit the bottom so hard and so deep, well, I still haven't been able to climb up to the top yet. It seems that no matter the aspect of my life, it's in some sort of a state of flux (for lack of a better word right now). I have found myself withdrawing at times from everyone and everything...taking every ounce of willpower that I have to get out of bed every morning and start the day of getting the grandson off to school. When I get done I just want to crawl back into bed and wish the world away. The things/people that usually bring a smile to my face aren't there, the things/people that have a way of helping me to see past the dark spots are few and far between, the areas of my life that I have looked at as stable and comforting have become a vortex.
I've hit every emotion there is, sometimes spending days upon days in the worst of them. I feel as if my life is not my own, that all the things I want and need in order to feel whole and complete, are in the hands of others to determine. I haven't yet figured out how to take that control back and to be honest, some days it's just much easier to let someone else have it than to struggle to regain it. I feel like a robot right now, just going through the motions but yet not able to have any emotion.
