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What are you waiting for?
Folks, I've spent almost 20 years of my life looking for your houses. I delivered pizza's for 8 years, and I've been locating utilities fr over 10 years, so I know a thing or two about finding people's houses. So I just want to remind you of a few things the next time you call in for something to be delivered to your house, whether it be in 30 minutes or 72 hours.
1) When you order a pizza, time lies when you are having sex, and we'll get to your house before you finish. So keep that in mind and order after you finish.
2) Don't play your music or TV so loud you can't hear us knocking. Alot of food delivery places pay by delivery, so I'f I'm waiting for a Pink Floyd song cranked to 11 to finish, thats 15 minutes of my life that I'm not getting paid for.
3) Don't get so drunk that you pass out waiting for your food. There is nothing worse that showing up and see your drunk ass on the couch, oblivious to me pounding on your door. If you're gonna pass out, leave the money taped to the door, or at least on your table, I'll leave you change, minus my tip. You'll be a great tipper that night.
4) For all of you people who build a beautiful house, spend the extra $6-$20 and put a GOD DAMNED NUMBER on your house. If you don't, you've given up all rights to bitch when your food isn't delivered, or your yard not located, because you live in a sea of houses and no numbers are on it. Hopefully your neighbors are smart enough to put up numbers, so the process of elimination allows us to find it.
5) Farmers...the government is gonna find you if they want to, so put up numbers on your mailbox telling us what address is yours. You'd be amazed at how many old timers refuse to number their properties, to make it harder for people to find them. It's the 21st century, Big Brother sees all, we don't.
6) Empty lots don't have marked addresses. So please put a crappy little sign with a number on it, so we can find it the first time. We'll remember after that.
7) For your dogs safety, and ours, please either tie him up, or leave him inside when you are expecting a delivery. Dogs no matter what size will defend their property if they feel threatened. When I had a pizza in hand, the smell usually kept them at bay. When I'm carrying a transmitter...not so much. We had 10 dog attacks last year. Considering the number of tickets we do, that is a relatively small number, but all could be avoided.
Personally, I wear steel toed boots, and if it came down to it, I'd stomp fluffy if he attacked. Luckily, Elvis and Smoegals smell tends to let dogs know I'm dog friendly.
8) Time your sprinklers so they're on early or late. If they're on and its 90 degrees out and noon, you're just frying your lawn anyway. If its 90 degrees out, I probably wouldn't mind sprinklers now that I think about it.
9) If I'm painting the lines on your lawn, wait five minutes before letting kids or animals out. The paint takes that long to dry, and will ruin clothing(I have a few shirts and pants I wear, that are paint speckled), and dogs roll in it (I was talking to a gentleman until we looked over, and his American Eskimo was a lovely shade of pink, because the dog rolled over where I painted an electric line red. He was not as amused as I was.
10) Keep kids away in general. We're strangers. If they have to see what we're doing, come out with them, and wear something lowcut. Remember, usually we're strangers. I want nothing to do with your kids, most of us don't, but every company has people with secret lives.
11) If you're gonna plant a tree, you'll be my best friend forever if you mark where you are going to put it. If I had a dollar for everyone who's come out, after watching me mark out their whole yard, and tell me I wasted my time, because they won't be near our stuff, I'd have enough to buy a sledgehammer and crush their skulls.
12) Bikinis are appreciated. Laying out topless is even more appreciated. But we're in your backyard to do a job, not to spy on you. Don't call the police, ask for ID, we all have it.(except me, it's in my old truck and I never got it back)
13) If you are the head of the neighborhood watch ,most of us are way to lazy to buy a truck, paint logos on it, and then go thru the ruse of locating your neighbors property just to rob you. Once again, ask us for ID, instead of calling the police. I have had the same lady call the cops on me 3 times, because we've been bought, and it was a different logo on the truck. Note to all you young locators out there, people get mad when you tell them to get a life.
14) On a hot day, we really appreciate the people who offer us water or a soda. It is not expected, and always a pleasant surprise. And it ensures that you will more than likely never have a late locate, especially on a hot day. For the three people who have given me lunch throughout my career, I guarantee you'll never have a late locate if I get it.
15) In the above case, and with good tippers, we ALWAYS remember who have taken care of us in the past. For those who don't tip, get a DiGiornos tight ass.
