I am going to copy and paste something that I wrote earlier today in response to someone who had to let me know that it was ok to just be me. Aren't I always being me? I thought I was!!! But, it got me thinking that although I am always me as a whole .... I like most of you, have many layers some of which are shared, some of which are hidden from even myself. Some of them I already knew of and some of them I discovered during the 2 hours it took me to write this. After turning off all forms of communication I began to type. Unlike my earlier blogs this one did not just pour from my fingertips ...each word coming in quick succession of the one typed previous to it giving no real thought to the subjects that happened to spill their way into my little piece of the net.
This one that in fact was NOT intended for this blog , is different. This one reached its icey hands deep into my soul and slowly began to squeeze until who I am at my core was tested and then released. It was not until after I had finished typing and read what it was that I had spent so much of myself on that I realized the icey feeling I felt was not coldness.. but fear. Fear of myself. I couldn't tell you how many times I read and re-read it to myself but, after what seemed like forever I realized that I am no longer embarassed about who I am. I am no longer ashamed of the fact that not all of my layers are pure and moralistic. And most importantly I am no longer afraid of myself.
The following is a list of what I think are my own personality pros and cons. They are jumbled amongst eachother because they all make up who I am so there is no need for any semblance of order. I am sure there are many more but even I am still learning things about myself. Some of which I like, some I dislike
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Yes you may read these and come up with a few more that I could add to this list however at this point in time I don't really give a fuck what you think.. This..is about me. Do yourself a favor and if you get a chance to truly get to begin to know yourself such as I did..take advantage of it. And if you are really no longer afraid of yourself share it with someone. No, it doesn't have to be shared via a blog or a mass email. Read it to the damn dog for all I care. All I pray for is that once completed you walk away with a sigh of relief, a smile and a renewed sense of self worth.
Here we go:
1.There is most definately the passionate, hot blooded want to be shown how much I am wanted and cared for......... while at the same time I want to wince when I sit at my desk the next day
freaky part of me.
2. The jokester/sassy/playful/smartass - dont ever pass out in front of me I do bad things * grins*
3. The loyal, faithful, compassionate, affectionate, tender me
4. The take charge and fix everything because (A) I can handle the suffering I just can't handle watching someone else suffer, (B) I am smarter than everyone else and can do it better anyways (a misquided belief that about 99% of the population myself included has) I left out that 1% in case of that slight chance you aren't like that and can prove me wrong. Go ahead I can now admit when I am wrong.
5. There is actually a quiet me *you can stop laughing at anytime* :)
6. Don't forget the I want to be able to depend on someone to keep ME safe, to make sure that I am ok part of me . ( this one would be a struggle to get used to however for I have always been the one who has had to be the rock... not that being the rock is a bad thing mind you but sometimes letting go and letting someone else worry about me for a change is a must. Why would someone want to stick around if they don't feel needed anyways? I have just never been afforded that luxury. And you know what, it may be my own damn fault * revert back to # 4 section (B.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*I am finding that this self analysis is actually a bit humorous yet at the same time its really just plain odd and becoming much more detailed than intended but its me..and we all know alot of who we are today comes from the lives we have led and the experiences we have had. The important thing to remember is not to let the few assholes/bitches that have come in and gone out of our lives destroy or cause us to hide who we truly are inside* Remember...just because your last partner/friend got it all wrong doesn't mean the next will.
PROCEED
7.There is the strong , independant , hardworking, dedicated to her family, can get it done with or without someone , really needs to put more faith in others me.
8. There is the kind , giving, make a favorite meal or out of the blue bake brownies just to see someone smile me
9. Yes admittedly there is the ... wait a minute it has been a week since he has tried to bend me over anything and I have offered up the goods several times..is he just tired or does he still think I
am sexy me .. usually something as simple as a wink in my direction or some simple form of affection takes care of that one. I too need feel what it is like to be needed.
10. There is also the bullheaded, stubborn, you can ASK me to do or not do something but ,you will not TELL me what I can or can't do ....I just need someone to have trust in me and know
without a doubt that I would do nothing to intentionally cause anyone to be angry with me, or to be hurt by me. And for goodness sakes I hope noone ever puts me on a pedestal because I am
human and if someone forgets that and tries to make me God I will hurt them everytime.. I may unknowingly say something that isn't well received, or I may not react to something the way they think I should only because they themselves would react differently, therefore I cause disappointment and start to slowly slip off of the imaginary pedestal. Start me out slowly and let me earn my place in someones life, dont set me up to fail right from the get go.
11. Almost nothing makes me happier than to be in my home surrounded by those I care about knowing that just being there with me brings them comfort.
12. There is the nonconfrontational, will walk away a bit afraid when the yelling starts yet wouldn't assume the fists will be flying next, let's talk about it when we aren't so apt to say stupid things
me. I am a reasonable woman and will listen without interrupting to what needs to be said, just please grant me the same respect.
13. On the other hand there is the me that will be the first to flip off someone who cuts me off on a freeway...I am the one who when confronted by perfect strangers that have decided to take their bad days out on innocent people will be the first to put them in check, to embarass them in front of their friends and, to make them leave the situation quickly wondering what the fuck just happened. At the same time there is the part of me that will silently forgive that person and pray that tomorrow brings them a better day.
14 There is the..can someone tell that whiney bitch in aisle 3 to shut up the hell up!!!! me - ok ok so I have been that whiney bitch on an occassion or 400..but dammit when I want froot loops they better have them in stock!
NOW FOR THE SPEECH
You know how the saying goes, if you are going to ask me a question whether a serious one or just one in passing make sure you are prepared for the answer. If you are hesitant to ask for fear of what I may say then don't ask because you have already convinced yourself that something horrible will come out of my mouth .
Let's sum this up so it doesn't look so sybilish. I truly do love life. I do believe in being open and honest, I believe in being all of oneself ..just not necessarily at the same time , if you want to call that being fake so be it.. you are an idiot so there. There is a time and a place for all things including showing others who we are..its up to us as to how deep into our layers we allow them, its not up to them to decide how much of ourselves we need to share in order for them to think we just being ourselves. The next time someone calls you fake..tell them to go fuck a leech
Sometimes I am more playful than others, sometimes I am more serious. There are even times when I get nervous and yes I do blush. Sometimes I just get quiet because I get on my
own damn nerves.
I do not always have to have things my way, besides I already know what my way is , now maybe its time to learn something new.
I can sometimes be swayed..sometimes too easily but thats a given when you trust the person you are following. At the same time however I cannot be swayed into disloyalty or going against the morals that are ingrained in me.
If you want to know something ask. If you want to say something say it. I don't believe in being afraid to talk about who we are, what we want or what we have done , people had lives prior to
other people coming into them. Choices made back then had nothing to do with the choices we make now so if something we have done in our pasts causes us to pass judgement then you go
warm up the car and I will call the therapist because that my friend would mean we would be so focused on eachothers past that any possible future, as friends or more would not even have a
fair chance.
I believe in giving someone an opportunity to listen and possibly accept everything about the person brave enough to share a part of themselves, or at least everything that person feels the need or want to share. I don't believe that we have to pick someones brains for every detail of their lives because somethings are just ...well .. just our own things.
Ok I am done. .and you know what? I have no clue how or why this ended up the way it did. This must be torture for someone who doesn't care too much for reading.. its much longer than intended and for that I ask forgiveness...but as for being me? Through writing /reading this I realized that I am pretty darn interesting and there is nothing to forgive there ;)
+++++++++++++++++ a previous days blog
Well, here I am alone in Texas.. now what? There is only so many toys that one can order from adamandeve.com you know. My mailman looks at me like I am a flipping pervert. Bitch. She can look at me funny all she wants but I know she took my last shipment , tossed out her husband and is having fun with my plastic boyfriend. I hope it rusts out on her.
Now I have to order another one..what happened to my trusty veiny avenger? The damn thing locked itself in a drawer and filed a workmans comp claim against me. Does anyone/anything believe in loyalty anymore?
If you haven't met me in person, or you haven't guessed by now...I'm a damn nut :) Welcome to my world.
One more thing.. I have decided to take my friend Tricia's advice and write a book. Keep your eye out for it in about 10 years when I finally compile all of my twisted witt into a printable package of crap that I can sell to the masses. Hit me up if you want to be on the dedication page. Oh and don't try to stop me from sticking you in a chapter or two cause if you haven't figured it out by now... I do what I want.. I run wit gangs (inside joke)
Much love my friends
