Lately I have thought of so many past relationships, both friendly and romantic. I have tried to sort out what ones were real and which were more just me.
At the forefront is of course Robin. My best friend, the keeper of secrets, and the other half of my heart beat. Its going on 13 damn wonderful and trying years loving that woman. Loving with out it getting given back, at least to the capacity I would like to have been. She forever states that "he" is all she has left. Kinda sounds like I don't matter huh? Wrong. "He" is an outside force she needs in her life. I am an internal one for her as much as she is for me. We are just as much apart of eachother as our children are apart of us. She knows that I will never leave her even during our months of silence and separation.
Second would have to be Jeremy. That man has taught me the most about what I am able to achieve and what I am able to destroy. He was my strength, my husband, my safety net when I was falling. He was also the means to my self destruction, the backing for my meth addiction and my self serving reason for doing it. Never is there a day that goes by that I don't wonder what could happen if I had become a different person or if he had been a different person. Never have I doubted his love for me nor my love for him but I realize in equal doses the hate lives too. He was everything to me. The father of my son, my only family and the constant presence when everything else faded. Between us there are many regrets and shattered lives but I doubt I would go back to ever change them. I am sorry for not being truer to the vows I made almost 4 years ago when I married him. Maybe I could have saved us both from our demons.
Next would be Robert. Father of my girls and the one person I could never have. Every moment I ever shared with him was stolen from someone else. Every kiss, every laugh, every I love you. I hurt a person who didn't deserve a single thing that happened to them. They did nothing but support and care for me and even mourn my children. She tells her own sons of my Ivy, of her strength and her life no matter how short. So really I think I don't think of Robert and my relationship but of her. Of the selfishness that has cost us all more than we would ever be able to admit. Denial is easier to swallow than the truth sometimes. I should have let whatever was between us die a long time ago.. Ivy ultimately died in the end and that secret would have died with her. I should have stayed gone. Its all over now anyway. Its been weeks since I talked to him even. Ironic huh? I am so sorry for all the pain I caused and the trust I broke between us all.
There's Shaggy too. He is like my guardian. Forever worried about me and the choices I make. Forever saving me from the jams I get into and forever a source of constant aggravation and support. If not for him I doubt I would have survived this last year. I became his project, a broken soul and dysfunctional girl. So far 15 months later I am a patch work quilt of a soul and still the ever dysfunctional girl. And he is still trying to save and fix me. I have drifted away from him these last few months for reasons I don't understand mostly cuz I cant come up with one.It just happened. But I know at days end he will be one of the few people in my corner and I forever have a place to go home to when the world threatens to break me again.
Then there is the large scale friends. People who I hurt or offend not ever trying to or meaning to. The friendships that I flutter against and weave in and out of with little to no regard for the effect I may have. Not because I don't care about my friends but because honestly I lack the empathic and sympathetic nature to have compassion and I speak or act before I think of the cost. I suck as a friend and I try to give the disclaimer that I am a cunt and I generally don't care about most things at the fore front of my friendships. I am blunt and I really don't care what people think in the end. Those who love me and know me know that I would die for my friends as most are my family, but that I generally lack tact and proper social skills.
Finally there is my current relationship blooming. One that is intoxicating and emptying all at the same time. It is everything I want and nothing that I need and all that could fill the empty parts. But fears have crept in so far that I find myself not trusting in myself or the ability that this will work. I fear the separation and growing weariness will swallow it whole and take it away before we have the chance to make it everything it could be. We are well suited and just...well...work. I am infatuated and utterly smitten. One look in those eyes and I was gone. Completely swallowed into a abyss that I don't want to ever escape from.
All in all I have decided all my relationships are real and true. The various points may or may not be completely accurate but I am allowed my own self disillusions at times. I at least am making the effort to assess my damage and manage my actions as to prevent further ruining of my life and the people in it. Maybe just maybe all that I have love and lost and the lessons learned will be enough to save this relationship and make it stronger and lasting. Who knows. Only time will tell.
