Ok, so I am not in such a good mood tonight, I have no idea why, just one of those nights I guess. I think I am tired of stupidity in general right now . . . Just had more than my fill the last few days. I’m not sure why it is bothering me so much now than it usually does, but it is. I don’t need someone to talk to or anything I just need to sort things out I think. I’m just in an odd place where I am me but dammit at the same time I am wholly unrecognizable - yeah probably makes no sense to any of you. I know exactly what I ma talking about though and I am sure there is at least one other person somewhere who does.
So, what is it? I think what pushed me over the edge today was someone telling me that if I believed in God that I would be a better person. That since I do not believe in God that is why my life has been so miserable but I still have the power to change it in my heart if I just look deep enough, because God can forgive all of my sins if I am willing to admit them and repent. Yeah so needless to say this didn’t go over so well with me. I think it is great that there are people who can blindly put their faith in something such as religion and if it keeps them happy then that is all that matters, however I am not one of those people. I do not go around preaching about my lack of belief to people so therefore I feel that I deserve the same respect from those that do believe. So, what I do not believe in an all powerful being that gives me choices to make and then punishes me if I choose badly and rewards me if I live a boring life . . . Just not what I choose to believe. I do not claim to be an Atheist either though, because I just object to organized religion based activities in general and Atheism is an organized religion based activity. I prefer to just think what I want and live my life for me and do as I chose and if there are consequences later then so be it, they can’t be that much worse than the ones I face now. I just don’t get where that person has the audacity to lecture me about being a bad and miserable person. I’m almost, though not quite, speechless over the entire thing.
I think more than anything it is the fact that this person has taken it upon themselves to find their way into my life and judge what I do and do not do according to their notion of what is right and wrong. My right and wrong are not the same as everyone else, I make my own set of morality based issues in my life . . . I make the rules. I see things differently than other people due to the life experiences I have had, just as everyone does. No two people will ever see life the same way because no two people live life the same way. What is so difficult to understand about the fact that the way we live our lives shapes our perception and expectations in life. What you think is morally objective I may not even bat an eye at. So, then why should I try to explain myself to this person so that they can attempt to see things the way that I do? I shouldn’t yes I know, I am just irritated at the fact that this person is trying to mold me into something that I am not and will more than likely never be. I don’t want to fit a societal mold of normalcy - I am content to be who I am and nothing more.
Who am I? I am a slightly overweight bitchy mother of one who does what she has to in order to make sure that her son gets to experience everything in life that he wants. I go to work and work for hours on end for very little money seeing things that most people would never be able to forget so that bills can be paid. I go to baseball games and PTA meetings and graduation ceremonies because I want my son to know that I love him and support him in everything that he chooses to do. I have taught my son that most things in life are choices that you need to make and no matter what you choose there are consequences and those are also what you make them to be. I have taught him that there is nothing in life that can’t be talked about. I have taught him that there will always be people that do not like him and that all he need to do in life is remember that they have the right to their opinion of him just as he does of them, but that sometimes it is better to keep that opinion to yourself. I have taught him that you can achieve many things in life that you never thought possible if you are wiling to work hard and try to get there. I have taught him that violence is no solution to any problem but to never be afraid to defend himself or what he believes in. I’ve taught him that despite what popular culture believes it is better for him to make his own set of beliefs and stick to them and realize that as he changes so will those beliefs. I have taught him that change is inevitable and it is not always for the best interest but that situations can be shaped and manipulated to fit better into what you want them to be. Most importantly I have taught him that he is human and that means that he will make mistakes, he will get into trouble, and he will do things that are not the best things to do but the trick to living life is to take those moments and not regret the choice but to learn from it and never regret a moment of life because you are who you are and those moments shaped you just as much as the good ones . . . So be proud of who you are and never linger in the past.
Yeah I have also taught him other things of course just as I am also things other than what I mentioned here - but this is who I feel like at this moment in time - so that is who I am right now. I will more than likely be someone different in a few hours. I will be whatever suits that mood and that situation. However, I will always be who I am and will never want someone stepping in trying to tell me how to live my life or what is going to happen to it later. This is my life and I make those choices . . . If they want to ruin someone then let them ruin their own lives . . . And just shake their head when they see me.
Ok, I feel a bit better . . . Alright not really but it’s almost 4 am and I need to get away from the computer screen.
