Dreamingaboutyou's blog: "Just 4 Fun"

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield , IL .

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions

to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the

other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that

spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

 

 

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

 

 

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

 

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all

of the beer.

 

CHILI # -- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,

was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting

to look HOT .... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips

off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop

screaming. Screw them.

 

 

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

 

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it

will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me

except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

 

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed

out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to

really hot chili?

 

Judge # 3 -- No report.

This is for everyone who ever considered moving to the left coast and for those that have moved away and miss it!!!  Enjoy it because it is much safer than the real thing.  Please do check back here and let me know whether or not you enjoyed the ride lol

http://j-walk.com/other/shake/index.htm

One night, a dark and rainy night, everyone was asleep in the house. Their house was in the backwoods of Arkansas, set on top of a not so high hill overlooking a fast running creek at the bottom of the ravine. They had a garden and it was constantly being raided by deer and other vermine. In the middle of the night they were awakened by a comotion outside. Grandpa grabbed a latern and went outside to check it out and saw a bear, a very large grizzly bear, going after their mule. He picked up a rock and charged the bear. As soon as he was close enough he threw it and bounced it off the bears shoulder. The bear turned its attention to him and charged. Grandpa turned and headed back to the security and safety of the house, got the door bolted just in time. They did not have bolts on their doors like we do. This was a bolt like the kind in the old western movies, a board thats fits into a hooks on both sides of the door. But the bear was going crazy slamming its body against the door until the board broke. Grandpa grabbed a long knife but only to have it knocked out of his hand as the bear grabbed him. His chest, arms and neck bleeding, clawed from the razor sharp talon like claws they thrashed around on the floor what seemed like hours. Grandma and all 14 kids huddled together in their only bed. All their whailing and screeming only seemed to make the bear more determined to make Grandpa his midnight snack. When some how Grandpa managed to get a choke hold on the bears neck, the bear still clawing and fighting to its very end. Only then it was quiet enough for him to hear their sobs as the all ran to him and struggled to stop the bleeding. Grandpa fainted at some point and when he awoke, he was still madder than hell at the bear. He Dragged it outside, skinned and butchered it. Then went to bed for a whole day. Got up and put Grandma to work cooking the meat. It took Grandpa two whole days to eat every ounce of the bear meat by himself. When the kids got to their one room school house, they told them what happened. No one believed them and accused them all of lieing and telling tall tales. So the next day they talked Grandpa into going to school to show the class his wounds and the seventy pound turd he shit after eating that bear!!!!!!