well here i am again away at 730 in the morning. most of my friends know i dont do mornings. so i specifically plan my day to start around erm. noon. im a night person. im usually up late. but recently with all of the vicodin the doctor has me on. im not eating well, im not sleeping almost at all. i can function on it because it minimizes my pain, but i cant function on it because it wont allow me to have an appitite leaving me to force feed myself as my body becomes weak. i feel like im not accomplishing anything these days. i wait for chris to get out of work before i leave my house. then we go to his house and i lay back down again and read my book. i constantly feel useless and find myself yelling at him when im struggling to get up to shut the door and he runs and does it for me. i know he only means the best and is trying to take care of me, but i dont know if part of it is just pride... or if i just hate feeling like an invalid. i would love to go back to work but as the days go by i realize the chances of me returning to my job even after the medical treatment is complete, are slim to none.
i will admit i can deal with all of the above if it wasnt for one thing. on monday my daughter took her first step. and i was going to be there if it wasnt for the pain im in. i try to go down as often as possible, but this past weekend especially was my mothers birthday. not only do i miss my family, celebrating with my mother, seeing my daughter, and then to top it all off to miss a hugh milestone in her life. there is so much of her life i am missing. because i am not going down to maryland as often as before, she isnt as comfertable with me, and wont speak with me yet. she has about 5 words in her vocabulary at this point and i havent her a single word from her. i can only take my family's word for it. my little girl is very smart and i know she will succed in anything she puts her mind to. the has already acomplished so much at such a young age. she is quite the fighter. but a child needs her mother.
i guess what im trying to get at is that i recently found out the girl that has put me through all this pain is now pregnant. with twins. and it makes me cry every time i think about how she will have every chance with her children to be there for those milestones. while i have to sit back as miss them because of her. needless to say i am still very bitter about this and even with all this anger and bitterness built up inside, i still have not been able to say a negative thing about this girl. i hate her for what she did to me. and the immaturity that followed, but i would never wish this upon her in revenge. i couldnt. possible because i know that she couldnt handle the physical or mental pain that i am going through. who knows.
well i think ive had enough. i just dont know what to do anymore. i bottle up and it hurts. i try to vent and it hurts. i try to forget and i cant. theres only so much tragedy and pain one person can handle. and ive been at my breaking point for a few months now....
