MARY's blog: "JOKES"

First taste of sex A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex. The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try. The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her pussy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts. The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again. A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues. Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" "What? You're crazy!" she said. "Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you." "Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..." "At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it." "I've already said NO, and NO is final!" "Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too." "NO!!! I've said NO!!!" Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob." At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened. 3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom. 4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS. 5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com" 7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV. 8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. 9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names. 11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. 12.) Your dog has its own home page. 13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem. 14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick. 16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. 17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. 18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months. 19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job. 21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." 23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher." 24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off. 25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF. 26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. 27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. 28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana -- At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. * Where there's a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse. * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. * Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? * Keep honking...I'm reloading

100 Ways to Order a Pizza 1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 8. Answer their questions with questions. 9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE. 11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. 13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 15. Stutter on the letter "p." 16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) 17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 23. Change your accent every three seconds. 24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" 26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't." 27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 28. Rent a pizza. 29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 36. Imitate the order taker's voice. 37. Eliminate verbs from your speech. 38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 39. Play a sitar in the background. 40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 42. Ask to see a menu. 43. Quote Carl Sandberg. 44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" 51. Psychoanalyze the order taker. 52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 57. Report a petty theft to the order taker. 58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 62. Try to talk while drinking something. 63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!" 64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 66. Be vague in your order. 67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. 70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 79. Put them on hold. 80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'." 82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?" 84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 85. Haggle. 86. Order a one-inch pizza. 87. Order term life insurance. 88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?" 89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. 92. Engage in some serious swapping. 93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word." 94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. 97. Order a steamed pizza. 98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. 99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Single Woman's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep. Please don't send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band. One good man who's sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie. Who dresses neat and doesn't smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel. Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, that's okay. Man, if I should die before I wake, that would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, don't let me go out that way. If I die before I meet Mr. Right I won't go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, He'd probably be just some schmuck. The single life is not that bad I know it's just a passing fad. I won't be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, won't comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer. The single life will do just fine. So what's up, girlfriend? IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!

Men are like....... .....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. .....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. .....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. .....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. .....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. .....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. .....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. .....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. .....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. .....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. .....Handguns. Keep one around long enough, and you're going to want to shoot

What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!" What a man hears: "blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"

101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men 1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long. 2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. 3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 4. Cucumbers don't get too excited. 5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety. 6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. 7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home. 8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. 9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber. 10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. 11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie. 12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat. 13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home. 14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds. 15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival. 16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?". 17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin. 18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin. 19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore. 20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once. 21. Cucumbers can handle rejection. 22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache. 23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is. 24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet. 25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent. 26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry. 27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends. 28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab". 29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind. 30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind. 31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist. 32. ...take you to confession. 33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month. 34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore. 35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them. 36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away. 37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink. 38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat. 39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season. 40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car. 41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor. 42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library. 43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest. 44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray. 45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub. 46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall. 47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups. 48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on. 49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts. 50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle. 51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it. 52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. 53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?" 54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser. 55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group. 56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind. 57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations. 58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one. 59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator. 60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over. 61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber. 62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow. 63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey. 64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot. 65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor. 66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. 67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower. 68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold. 70. Cucumbers don't count to 10. 71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair. 72. A cucumber will never leave you ... ...for another woman. 73. ...for another man. 74. ...for another cucumber. 75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman. 76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy. 77. You always know where a cucumber has been. 78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife". 79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises. 80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. 82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... ...is married. 83. ...is on penicillin. 84. ...likes you - but loves your brother. 85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move. 86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R. 87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion. 88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party. 90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve. 91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit. 92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom. 93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family. 94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School. 95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually. 96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers. 97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". 98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian. 99. It's easy to drop a cucumber. 100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything. 101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.