Ruff Wishing for a hot Summer's blog: "Jokes"

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. Flip one off? .....I think not.

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" to the bank to start a savings account. When the girl and her Mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f~ckin' sheet rock..." Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"     LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"     QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"     CONFOUNDED SEX: A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".     WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"     WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.   A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says... "I'll miss you."

Superman Gets Horny One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

Make Me Piss Vodka A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

Immigrants Eating Hot Dogs Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God - They eat dogs in America?" "I can't believe it!" says the other, equally appalled. "Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do." They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

Nun and a Truck Driver A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married.. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.

Laying Off Sarah or Jack Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

Jesus is watching you One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay." As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."