Jokes Blog by Kerry xogahx
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Kerry xogahx's blog: "Jokes"

created on 07/04/2008  |
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender. ' ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ******************************* FEMALE PROCEDURE: What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth. !!!! 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake.
A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question..... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do. " WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again. " WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house. " WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new. " WI FE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do" WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own. " WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times. " WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. " WIFE: ----- silence ------ HUSBAND: "Shit.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store. " "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how.
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation. " The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep. " The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube. " The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack. " "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. " "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death. " "Well, then we need a urine sample. " "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar. " "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line. " "I can't do that, officer. " "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that.
When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal. " The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town. "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'. " "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut. " "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, " Damn Yankee Kills Family Pet'.
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing. ' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly . She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. ' 'So I just switched the heads. ' (BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)
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