Silverdragons71's blog: "Jokes"

Three little ducks go into a Bar.... "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

WHich Car Is Right For YOU? ARIES (March 21-April 19) 1964 Checker Marathon Taxicab. Your dream to make millions will come true when you answer that ad about repairing cracked windshields with miracle resin. Give the Leo in your life "Martha Stewart's Guide to Military Vehicles." Don't put tofu in the carburetor today. The highway rest stops on your route will be out of order this week, so put an empty 2-liter bottle in the car now. Read your compass carefully; a mistake could put you in the chemical wastelands of New Jersey causing you to miss the big party at Graceland. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Ford L8000 Garbage Truck. Don't practice your bagpipes on the way to work today; your carpool partners are beginning to take offense. Next Thursday, the speed limits in towns beginning with the letter N will not be enforced; feel free to go 100 mph. The takeout Taco Bell chalupa will drip on your private parts. Get a quesadilla today instead. If events don't go your way this week, don't rule out sabotage as an option. GEMINI (May 21-June 21) 1987 Yugo GV. When you see a car with the bumper sticker, "Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window," lean on your horn and give him the bird. Don't worry, your Lunar aspect coincides with safety from danger. Relax tonight in the hospital and watch Thelma & Louise. Avoid Pisces and Scorpio nurses with large hypodermics. Take a bold step tomorrow and buy that faux Leopard steering wheel cover at Wal-Mart. CANCER (June 22-July 22) 1948 Divco Milk Delivery Truck. Beware of vapor lock, fuzzy dice, and cheap Chinese pliers. Today is the day to baptize the cat with WD-40. When you're pulled over for speeding, shake a wiper blade refill at the officer and tell him your radar detector isn't working. A sudden infatuation with 1959 Buick Electra tail fins could have dire consequences. Contact Ferrari and demand that they make you their corporate spokesman in Mozambique. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) 1972 Mini Moke Cooper. Beware of being hypnotized by white lane markers into selling your Fiat stock at 73 cents a share. Postpone putting that 667 cid 7-cylinder radial engine in your WWII Jeep until Pisces is rising. Visit the Fair Deal Used Cars tent sale and offer the salesman $500 more than the asking price on the 1954 Henry J because you wouldn't want to cheat him. Resist the temptation for pop tarts, recycled high-fiber granola, and other carcinogens tomorrow. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) 1957 Nash Ambassador. An asteroid is due to hit your garage tomorrow so risk upsetting the snooty couple next door by parking your rusty project vehicle in front of their house. Don't buy a used car from Taurus; he put sawdust in the differential to quiet it down. Now is not the time to buy a low-flush toilet or re-seal the driveway. Rent Smokey and the Bandit tonight and escape into it or your churning mind won't let you sleep. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) 1986 GMC School Bus. Lunar aspect coincides with reality TV, hand grenades, and mating instinct. Don't be afraid to use Dap latex caulk instead of Bondo to patch the bed of your pickup. Put mouse glue traps under the seats and invite a Capricorn friend over for fresh stew. Don't search for Rush Linbaugh on your car radio; all you will find is Howard Stern. Beware of potato cannons, disposable enemas, and bearded Albanian street vendors selling Humvee maintenance manuals. SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) 1999 Smart. Lineup of Mars with Jupiter heralds seismic farts today, so open the vents now. Avoid gerbils, nose hair clippers, and people named "Bill," "Hillary," or "Lautenberg-Corzine." Be wary of letters from lawyers representing people you have run over. If you encounter a Gemini with a Yugo, squirt Gumout on him and shout, "Uff da!" The mechanic you accused of having oatmeal for brains just filled your transmission with molasses. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Elgin Street Sweeper. Double check everything toady: gas, oil, kids, ammunition. Eating Beef Jerky will not help you maintain your aura of mystery. If you drive a Swedish or Japanese car, avoid oncoming 16-wheelers driven by amphetamine-crazed Libras. Don't pick your nose at the red light downtown; two girls are watching. People are avoiding riding with you because your "fresh spring" air freshener smells like decaying bluefish. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Pride Sundancer Scooter. Beware advice from Libras about relining your brakes with Masonite; they are using you for self-gratification. The groundhog you ran over last week was a weasel in disguise and his friends are now eating your wife's new SUV. She'll blame you. Hide the chain saw and 12-gauge shotgun. Postpone those other romantic involvements for now. Enter the Dakar Rally. Avoid lizards, velcro, and natural fiber laxatives. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) 1943 Ford GPA. You'll be making a big decision today between form, function, or firepower; think about it now. Crystal Drano in the fuel tank will take care of that stale gas from last winter. Be wary of ads by Virgos or Aries saying, "just a little rust" or "rough, but all there." They lie. "OBO" does not mean what you think; it means, "offensive baffling odor" except in Texas where it means "one bad ombre." PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) 1966 Citroen 2CV. Take that pistol out of your mouth and do something positive for a change. Rent a tank and run over some rice rockets. Show the Halloween trick-or-treaters how a blow torch works on their goodie bags. Drive the Pan American Highway to Ushuaia, Argentina. Perform a tracheotomy. Build a beer can mortar. Tint your windows. Wrestle with an alligator. Don't blame the dog for your next SBL fart (SBL = silent but lethal). And quit whining about your problems.

Pick the month you were born in... 1 - I ate 2 - I needed 3 - I ran naked with 4 - I shot 5 - I banged 6 - I cuddled with 7 - I killed 8 - I am shirtless with 9 - I stabbed 10 - I peed on/with 11 - I slept with 12- I killed Pick the day (number) you were born on 01 - a stripper 02 - a dog 03 - a jew 04 - a whore 05 - Santa Claus 06 - a homo 07 - Barney the dinosaur 08 - a prostitute 09 - my crush 10 - a jar of honey 11 - a whore 12 - a condom 13 - a bag of weed 14 - a pornstar 15 - a pickle 16 - the cool-aid man 17 - my lover 18 - a horse 19 - an orange 20 - a crackhead 21 - an easter egg 22 - trojan man 23 - paris hilton 24 - a toothbrush 25 - a homeless man/women 26 - a glass of milk 27 - a bowl of cereal 28 - your dealer 29 - a French fry 30 - A lesbian 31 - Ur grandma Pick the color of shirt you are wearing White - Because thats how i roll Black - because im sexy as hell Pink - Because the lil people told me to Red - because I'm a pimp and you jealous Blue - because I have AMAZING boobs Polka Dots - because I hate my life Purple - because I'm gay Gray - because I love marijuana Other - because I have double D's Green - because I'm good in bed Orange - because I smoke crack Turquoise - because I have a noodle in my nose Brown - because i had to Shirtless - because I've got abs

The Rules of a Blow Job for Girls and Guys!!! WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule ..1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule ..3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule ..5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to ..8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule ..2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning." WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT 1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. (AMEN!) 3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair. 5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up! 6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me. 7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country. 8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. 9. Play with the balls. 10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 11. Caress the ass, too. We like that! 12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep." 13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "its only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings. " The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted

Top 20 things to turn a man off during/before sex 20. can i move in 19. laughs (woman) 18. Smelly vag (douche PLS) 17.I'am on my period (woman says "You can just go get a towel") 16. I just got over an STD 15.My birthday was yesterday i turned 13 14. Changes tv station 13. woman asks if your finished yet 12. Is this your first time 11. My dads home 10. Falls asleep 9. yelling out his dad's name 8. puts pillow over your head and beats the shyt outta you 7.Are you in yet 6. Finding out shes your cousin 5. dry cum stains on her ass 4. Finding out the woman has a penis 3. Realizing the penis is bigger than his 2. your mom can do better 1. Finding a used condom inside her

(JUST TO LET YOU KNOW - I DID NOT WRITE THIS it was written by a woman, plus I know several women that are going to want to have my head for this one. All I can say is you have to find me to kill me :-p ) 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex. 1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out. 2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation. 3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up. 4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault. 5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice. 6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you. 7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it. 8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling. 9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you. 10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing. 11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself. 12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor. 13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there. 14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted. 15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads. 16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall". 17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High. 18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy. 19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun. 20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking. 21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt. 22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out. 23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either. 24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work. 25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move. 26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier. 27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it. 28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen? 29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one. 30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time. 31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis. 32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them. 33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess. 34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view. 35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory. 36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it. 37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters. 38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference). 39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water. 40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw. 41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores. 42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't. 43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego. 44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you. 45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises. 46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash. 47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be. 48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it. 49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok. 50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.