Stue P Dassol's blog: "jokes"

YOU MIGHT BE A JARHEAD IF........ > > > >1. You've ever used the term "Oohrah" in any context other than sarcasm. > > > >2. Your dream home is base housing. > > > >3. You've ever rolled pennies to buy beer on a weeknight. > > > >4. You've ever sold blood to buy beer. > > > >5. You've ever financed a tattoo. > > > >6. You met your wife at a strip joint. > > > >7. You and your roommate share the same woman. > > > >8. Your kid has a high & tight. > > > >9. You still have your full basic issue. > > > >10. Your boot polish doesn't come out of a bottle. > > > >11. Your cammies have more starch than your potatoes. > > > >12. You refer to McDonald's food as "chow." > > > >13. You've ever bought your girlfriend a "bag nasty." > > > >14. You've ever read your 'Battle Skills' book for fun. > > > >15. You still know all your General Orders. > > > >16. You refer to E-2s as "My PFC," or "Young Devil Dog." > > > >17. You call your friends "Devil Dog." > > > >18. Your #1 credit reference is UCDPP/DPP. > > > >19. You think your military training is seriously worth college credit. > > > >20. Your picture is outside the Career Planner's office. > > > >21. You have whitewalls on your head, but not your car. > > > >22. You don't drink on duty section. > > > >23. You have a star on your good cookie. (OR EVEN HAVE A GOOD COOKIE!) > > > >24. You consider going to the Roadhouse a night on the town. > > > >25. You think that officers fly planes because they are too stupid to work on them. > > > >26. You still know the words to the "Marine's Hymn." > > > >27. You say things are 'good to go,' or 'outstanding.' > > > >28. You haven't been laid in over a year. > > > >29. Your favorite game is Spades. > > > >30. You think stuff like this should be done on your own time. > > > >31. You still imitate your drill instructors. > > > >32. You do MCIs to better yourself. > > > >33. You call cadence to yourself. > > > >34. You get your haircut at the 7-Day Store. > > > >35. You've ever given a period of instruction. > > > >36. You've ever locked anybody on. > > > >37. You use CLP as cologne. > > > >38. You use Aqua Velva aftershave. > > > >39. You iron your coveralls. > > > >40. You have a dog named "Chesty." > > > >41. You have a blues cover in the back window of your car. > > > >42. You've ever done anything for love of Corps. > > > >43. You display your rank on the windshield of your car. > > > >44. You press your cammies an hour after you get them from the cleaners. > > > >45. You think the Air Force is nasty. > > > >46. You have a subscription to 'Leatherneck Magazine.' > > > >47. You use the term "hard charger" on a subject other than batteries. > > > >48. You think your unit doesn't PT enough. > > > >49. You think Motrin cures things. > > > >50. You wear your dog tags to the beach. > > > >51. You've ever worked on a Harrier and truly wanted to fix it. > > > >52. You still use any drill instructor clichés. > > > >53. You've ever been on a 3-day work detail picking up dead fish by hand out of a rancid lake under the hot August sun in Iwakuni. (You know why you are, stay strong my brothers.) > > > >54. All your underwear still has your laundry number on it. > > > >55. You stencil your name on your jeans. > > > >56. You refer to regular clothes as 'civvies.' > > > >57. You've ever ironed your sheets for field day. > > > >58. You practice rifle manual with a swab. > > > >59. You get your hair cut once a week. > > > >60. You've been to Whisper Alley. > > > >61. You've ever worn out an ironing board. > > > >62. You hang your dirty laundry from the foot of your bed. > > > >63. More than half of your wardrobe was purchased at the PX. > > > >64. You "quarter-deck" your kids. > > > >65. You practice line training on your wife. > > > >66. You argue with people about whether Paris Island or San Diego was better. > > > >67. You refer to your SNCOIC as 'Daddy.' > > > >68. You've ever called someone off leave for an up gripe. > > > >69. You use your sea bag as luggage when you go on leave. > > > >70. You have a picture of the Commandant in your room. > > > >71. You wear your wooly pully with Levis. > > > >72. You wear your all weather coat with regular clothes (or civvies). > > > >73. The horn on your car plays the 'Marine Hymn.' > > > >74. Your picture is outside the PX. > > > >75. You've ever starved until dinner because you woke up too late to go to the chow hall. > > > >76. You pick up a woman in a bar and she takes you to base housing. > > > >77. You stay there. (refer to #76) > > > >78. You have the misconception that you can kick someone's ass because they're in the Navy. > > > >79. If you've ever suggested that your unit goes on a hump. > > > >80. You've ever gone to a bar or dance club in your blues. > > > >81. You seriously think that your GI Bill will pay for your college education. > > > >82. You've ever slept with a WM. > > > >83. You take your 782 gear camping. > > > >84. You found CPL School motivating. > > > >85. You can be found in 'Shaboom's' or 'Texas Two Step' or the 'Driftwood' (Dirtwood") every weekend. > > > >86. You like 'Tun Tavern' Beer. > > > >87. You have a camouflage comforter on your bed. > > > >88. You keep MREs around just in case you get hungry. > > > >89. You go to the chow hall to meet women. > > > >90. You think people should be court-martialed for running into a building to avoid colors. > > > >91. You've ever had razor burn on your head. > > > >92. You signed the Chesty Puller stamp petition. > > > >93. You've ever used the term 'very well' in normal conversation. > > > >94. You call cadence during sex.

Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: * Oil Change $20.00 * Coffee $ 1.00 * Total $21.00. Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reillys to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in the process. 12) Clean up mess. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Look for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. 16) Beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil changetomorrow. 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. (IDIOT!!) 27) Drink beer. 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 30) Drink beer. 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(2002) in the left boob. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the >influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Make bail. 50) Get car from impound yard. Money spent: * Parts $50.00 * DUI $2500.00 * Impound fee $75.00 * Bail $1500.00 * Beer $25.00 * Total-- $4150.00 -- But you know the job was done right!

> > You know you grew up in the 1980s when.... >>>> -You know what "Sike" means. >> -You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off." >> -You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer." >> -You can sing the McDonald's Big Mack,Filet-o-fish, quarter pounder, and French fry song. >> -You know who Mr. T is. >> -You know who Fat Albert is. And who was old boy with the pink mask? >> -You ever wore fluorescent, neon clothing. >> -You could breakdance, or wish you could. >> -You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween. >> -You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power. >> -Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away. >> -You thought that Transformers were "more than meets the eye". >> -You knew that knowing is half the battle. >> -You wanted to be on Star Search. >> -You can remember Michael Jackson when he was black. >> -You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth. >> -You remember the garbage pail kids, and owned some. >> -You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout." >> -Rut row raggy. and Zoinks. >> -You HAD to have your MTV. >> -You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie. >> -You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game. >> -You owned any cassettes. >> -You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living in space. >> -You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair. >> -You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish. >> -You wore your Izod shirt with the collar up. >> -You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard. >> -Your Legos collection started with the free sets in a Happy Meal. >> -You remember when Happy Meals came in a box, not a paper bag. >> -You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny. >> -You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos. >> -You know what a "Push Up" ice cream is. >> -You had to come in the house when the street lights came on. >> -You had to change into play clothes after school. >> -You owned, or knew somebody with a Commodore 64. >> -You hated Scrappy Doo. >> -You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box. >> -You wished you had a light saber. >> -Somehow you still know all the words to songs played on VH1's "Big 80s" >> -Your arm was full of rubber bracelets. >> -You have ever said, "Gag me with a spoon." >> -You have ever wondered what happened to Saturday morning cartoons. >> -You had to get up to change the channel, or had one of those noisey "clicky boxes". >> -You can still sing 1 to 12 from the Pinball machine song on Sesame Street. >> -You thought the Thriller video was pretty cool. >> -You remember the first time you went in to a video store to rent a movie. >> -Canadians watched...Romper-Room, Mr. Dress-up, and the Friendly Giant - remember the teeny weeny furniture you wished you had?! >> -You wore those wide, colorfull shoelaces. >> -Quiet Riot's "Come on feel the noise" was the best song - ever. >> -You know where "I want my two dollars" came from. >> -You still cannot go in to the water because of that damn movie Jaws. >> -El Debarge's "Get a beat to the Rhythm of the night" plagued the radio every hour. >> -You remember life before minivans and SUVs. >> -Cars...Gremlins were cool - Pacers were not! >> If you can identify with at least half of this list then> you, my friend, are a "Child of the 80s".

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

The If We Had Sex Game (Reply so only I see it and Repost so others can fill it out) DONT BE SCARED. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO REALLY WANTS TO DO YOU! 1. Would you be in control? 2. Would you grab my head? 3. Would you whisper in my ear? 4. Would you talk dirty to me? 5. Would you kiss me with a little tongue or a lot of tongue? 6. Would you say my name? 7. Would you go down on me? 8. Would you let me give you a hickie 9. How many rounds would we go? 10. What would you wanna do afterwards? 11. Would you take off all ur clothes then take mine off slowly? 12. Would you lick and bite me all over? 13. Would you like 2 play or get straight to the point? 14. Would you want me to take my time? 15. Would u fall asleep with me when we were done? 16. Would u want me to go fast or slow? 17. Where would u wanna "do it" at? 18 Would u be loud or quiet? 19. Would you mind if i liked you? 20. Would you do it 2day? 21. Would you do it 2morrow? 22. Are you going to re-post these so I can answer them for you?

"Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one."

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly. Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool. Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter? Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help? Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover. Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you. Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses? Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover. Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now? Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on. Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart: < logged off="off" >

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to i! ts body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day! (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer!) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

The Shotgun Constitution Preamble: THE RULES LISTED BELOW APPLY TO THE CALLING OF SHOTGUN (THE PASSENGER SEAT) IN AN AUTOMOBILE. THESE RULES ARE DEFINITIVE AND BINDING. Section I The Basic Rules Article 1: In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" as long as the driver verifies the call. Article 2: Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and directly on the way to the said vehicle. Article 3: Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediately forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey. Article 4: The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons. Section II Special Cases These special exceptions to the above rules should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable. Article 1: In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun. Article 2: In the instance the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline. Article 3: In the instance the the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline. Article 4: In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window. Article 5: In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline. Article 6: In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three-hour trip with him crammed in the back. Section III The Bastard Rules Article 1: If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Bastard Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting that of Section 1, Article 4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force. Article 2: The driver must announce the institution of the Bastard Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle. Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, the driver calls the shots, as stated in Section 1, Article 4.