Over 16,529,135 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
MONDAY'S JOKE
American/Russian
At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.
American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police." Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Breathalyzer Test
A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Theater Guest
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
The Circle Fly
During a traffic stop a police officer is swatting at a fly that is circling around his head, and blurts out what kind of dang fly is that anyhow. The traffic offender replies, "that's a circle fly." The officer replies that he's never heard of a "circle fly." The offender replies circle flies are usually found circling around a horses @$$. Enraged, the police officer says, "are you calling me a horses @$$?", to which the traffic offender replied, "no sir, but you can't fool a circle fly."
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Autumn is a season for big decisions -- like whether or not it's too late to start spring cleaning.
Autumn -- time to drag out your winter clothes and see what kind of summer fun the moths had.
It's fall, that time when the colors change form green to red to gold -- and that's just the gunk in your swimming pool.
The Other One...
The first Jewish President of the United States was inviting his mother to Thanksgiving on phone. The mother said, "It's too much trouble, son, getting a cab and waiting in line." He laughs her off and says, "Mom, there will be a limousine for you!" Not much enthusiastic, his mother replies, "But who knows will I get the ticket and the seat that would be comfortable to me?" The President instantly offers her a ride on Air Force One, his private jet, good-naturedly. The mother still found it a trouble to carry that entire luggage and hire a cab! The President was a little put off and said that maybe a helicopter would be better for her. Finally, when she was assured that she would stay at the White House for she is the mother of the President, she finally agreed for the trip. Later she called her friend Betty to say, "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!" Betty: "The doctor?" Mother: "No... The other one."
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKES
The Kid
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Minimal Damage
This guy calls his wife at work and says, "Don't worry, I'm fine and the damage is minimal." She says, "Oh my gosh, what happened?" He says, "I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield." "How much damage did it do?" she asked. "Minimal, however I did get a ticket." "A ticket how did you get that?" "Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket." "What for?" she asked, "Damaging his windshield?" "No, for flipping him the bird!"
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
The Revised Miranda Rights Version 1
1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me. 2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth. 3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you. 4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride. 5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk. 6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Revised Miranda Rights Version 2
1. You have the rights to an @$$-kicking. 2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the @$$-kicking. 3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3
You are under arrest and.... 1. No, I don't care who you are. 2. No, I don't care who you know. 3. Yes... you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes... you CAN have my job. 5. No, I don't have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race). 8. No, I can't give you a break. 9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we can't talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court. Thank you, have a nice day. Your Arresting Officer __________
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Got Stuck Huh?
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
30 Days Or $30
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30." The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
$40 Ticket
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Irishman And The Cop
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yes, sssshombody stole me car!" the Irishman replies. The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key." About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?" The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "Oh, gosh me golly, they stole me girlfriend, too!!"
