LilSqueaker's blog: "Missing you!"

All of a sudden me and mom just have you wieghing on our minds. You're all of a sudden in the front of my mind. I haven't shed a tear for you in so long and now I can feel those tear burning the back of my eyes with the unshed ones. I can't take it. 

I took care of you everyday and yea I complained some days when I had a bad day but I would do it all over again if I could. It always seemed when I had one of my bad days so did you, We always seem to be on the same wave link. Andy seemed to be catching the shit end of that a lot of times but hey we already had time to plot against him before he was born. lol. 

You know you always yelled at me for putting my life on hold but I never felt it when u were here. To me it just felt normal, but since you've been gone I see what you ment. I'm sorry that I never listened, but I didn't see it. 

There are so many times that I look back and see the things that you always seen and I didn't then feel bad that I didn't listen or that I didn't see them myself. Then I wander what else you seen that I never did. 

Andy has been doing such amazing things and everyone is so proud of him I just wish you could see it all here and not from up there so that Andy could see the pride on you're face. I know that it killed him that you weren't there in the flesh to see him graduate boot camp, but we all knew you were watching and that you were proud of him. It just hurt to see the hurt on everyones faces that you weren't there. 

I often find myself going back to that morning and still wanting to say sorry and hearing your last words to me. I really do with that I wasn't there I know mom is opposite, but if I wasn't I wouldn't have had those last words stuck in my head and unable to forgive myself. I know that everything happens for a reason. I just wish that it wasn't this way. I know that I should get over it and move on and that people tell me this all the time but the thing is the weren't there they don't have to see what I do in my mind. They don't know what it was like or how it hurt me. They didn't have to go through what I did. And they sure as hell didn't have to hear those last words come out of your mouth. I just want to put it behind me and move forward but it still hurts me so much. 

I wanted to have both my brothers here for my baby girl. I wanted to show her how great both my brothers are. My older brother being such a fight the grim reaper had to try 9 times to take him. That's one hell of a fight. And my baby brother who is one determinded little brat. Having a goal since he was 4 and following through with it. I wanted her to learn from both you that you just have to keep your head up. Mommy isn't as much of a fighter as Uncle Joe nor as determind as Uncle Andy but at least she can learn some really detication from Uncle Andy. As for the fight well I guess I will have to rely on everyone to help me show her that. 

I hate to cry and I know that it is normal but I still fight those tears for Joe. I still hate to shed those becuase of the fact that I don't want to accept that there isn't anything to blame myself for. I can't find a way to forgive myself.

I love you Joe and I miss you with all my heart