JillsTriangle's blog: "JillsTriangle of Jokes"

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money. Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. I like every bone in your body especially mine. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want? Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart? Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good. Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them. Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up. If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you! I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button. Is it hot in here or is it just you? If you were a car door I would slam you all night long Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast. How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna fuck? If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see! Can I have fries with that shake! I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U. You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside? If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen. Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house? Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants. Do you know CPR because you take my breath away. Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope. My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it! I'd look good on you. When does your centerfold come out. So do ya wanna see something really swell? I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours? I've got the hot dog and you got the buns. Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get. Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off? I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock. You have nice legs. What time do they open? Do you like Subway? How about my foot long? Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it. Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass! Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world. You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you. Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb! Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you. If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it. Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life? A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything! Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle? A. She knows she's given her last blow job. Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. Q. What is the definition of "making love"? A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back? A. A police horse. Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? A. They're hiring. Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed? A. Yeah...now he has no ears. Q. Do you know how to eat a frog? A. You put one leg over each ear. Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike? A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out. Q. How do you fuck a fat chick? A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot. Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A. They already have boyfriends. Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog. A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A. A private tutor. Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? A. Homeless. Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs? A. An elephant with diarrhea. Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny? A. Her lipstick Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his ass. Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world? A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside. Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common? A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit. Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? A. Even the pool table has no balls. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A. Well hung. Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else? A. Nice dick! Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period? A. All your tic tacks are gone.

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? A. Goes-in-tight! Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts. Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself. Q. Why don't little girls fart? A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married. Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ? A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins ! Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common? A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride. Q. What's the definition of trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob. Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra? A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went. Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay? A. They don't have time. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg? A. They don't stop for directions. Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? A. He decided to stick it out for one more year! Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up! Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead? A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger. Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant A. Marry it. Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good? A. Give it a nipple. Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? A. Fur traders. Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A. A cherry float. Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A. When his hand caught on fire. Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano? A. Tulips on your organ. Q. What did Adam say to Eve? A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets! Q. How do you get a nun pregnant? A. Dress her up as an alter boy Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks? A. Better traction. Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common? A. Push it aside and keep on eating... Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese? A. Twocanchew (two can chew). Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period? A. A bloody waste of fucking time. Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat? A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you. Q. What is the first sign of AIDS? A. A pounding sensation in the ass. Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A. Gagged Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie? A. You can eat your mom's apple pie. Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton? A. Place to hang their air freshener. Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls? A. They're going to call her Old Spice. Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A. Yell at her. Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. What do women and police cars have in common? A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming. Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? A. So they don't whistle on the way down. Q. Why did the woman cross the road? A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen? Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor. Q. Why can't women read maps? A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile. Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ? A. All it takes is one prick and its all over. Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job? A. After five years your job will still suck. Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter? A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth. Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists? A. Their shaky hands! Q. What is better than a cold Bud? A. A warm bush. Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use some lubricant. Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken? A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day? A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey" Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment? A. Potpourri Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ? A. You don't look down. Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack. Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike? A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years. Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different? A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead. Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo Q. What is a zebra? A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market? A. Good morning Girls Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge? A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out! Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one. Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus? A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk. Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A. Breasts don't have eyes. Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs? A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times. Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you. Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It works by changing your blood type!! Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos? A. Toys for Twats Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"? A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!" Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman? A. Snowballs. Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle? A. None It should be open when she brings it to you Q. What's the difference between pink and purple? A. The grip! Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? A. Miracle whip. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? A. Men always miss them. Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common? A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff. Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex? A. They have cotton balls Q. What happens when you kiss a canary? A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease. Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving? A. Thanks for coming. Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over? A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?" The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one." Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together." Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY... 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Get a blow job. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. 1. Repeat number 9......

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY... 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED... 10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 8. The cat is on Valium. 7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated. 5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners. 3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. 1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..." The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch. He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel. Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later. Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam. Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat? A. A Klondike Bar Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breath through something so small?" Q. Why don't women wear watches? A. There's a clock on the stove! Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook. Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week. Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN! Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator? A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me. Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys? A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving. Q. What's the difference between love and herpes? A. Love doesn't last forever. Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her. Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. A. The thief was spending less then his wife. Q. Why do women have small feet? A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to. Q. How do men sort out their laundry? A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable. Q. What's the difference between a man and ET? A. ET phoned home. Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? A. It doesn't need cleaning. Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes. Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? A. Brothel sprouts. Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them. Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties? A. Clitty litter Q. I married Miss Right. A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself? A. He's smoking a cigarette. Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A. He worked it out with a pencil. Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete? A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest. Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance? A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week? A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week! Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?" Q. What is the cheapest meat? A. Deer balls, there under a buck. Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise? A. The captains log. Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out? A. A lesbian with a hard-on. Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe? A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off! Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.