Isn't it amazing that sometimes as you try to sort out things in your life, you seize upon something in your mind's eye for a moment only to then have something like say an email pop up in your inbox. I believe Jung called this serendipity. Such an event happened today.
I know that some people will take offense to this next blog on general purpose because they know me too well. However, I must, I feel compelled...ha...if you only knew the origins of that line then you would laugh yourself at why I used it here...to put proverbial pen to paper and tell my great love story.
In college, I was not the best student because I lacked focus and attention to detail. My high school days were filled with study and athletics, which resulted in me achieving high marks and athletic awards back then. College, I felt, was my time to learn about life in all its shaded nuances. Who knew that beer bottle bottoms shaded so well? Anyway, I am digressing from my story. Nevertheless, I did all right in college for the amount of time I invested in study. I achieve accolades and had moments of inspired genius, but never anything sustained. There was far too much to do and see; unfortunately, most of that involved chasing skirt. I also had a pretty wild reputation. Another story and another time...just ask me about getting lost in the sewers of Springfield someday...and I know...I owe you all the final part about Greg, the gun, and the prostitute. Ha ha!
Anyway, as my summers were coming to an end, I looked out across the great expanse of the Winter term with no small sense of apprehension. Wittenberg, my alma mater, had a policy of administering a writing comprehensive test, which all were required to take and pass. Ah, note to the wise, do not take such tests after an all night bender. You will most likely not pass. So, hindsight being what it is, I should have taken that bit of advice instead I managed to successfully not pass that test. Well, those of us not passing, me being one of three or so, had to go to the writers' workshop and receive tutoring. Ah, so it began.
I never believed in love at first sight --NEVER-- that is until I walked into the workshop. It is odd, the room narrowed and my heart felt like it skipped a beat. There in the room was a vision of sublime loveliness. She wore black. I remember her walking over and taking me over to a table to start the tutoring. You know I had to only go a few times then retake the test. I believe that I went two or three times a week for two months. I only recently informed her of this, but I took high school papers and papers that others had written just to spend time with her.
She was a very sophisticated woman by any standard and still is. However, the best way to describe who I was is best represented by the John Bender character played by Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club. I was far from even a diamond in the rough...more like the tree several million years before becoming the dimond. Anyway, I never asked her out because she seemed so much more than I could ever be and levels above anything that I could ever offer her.
So we all graduated from our beloved institution and went about the business of living our lives.
In 2000, I came across her email address somehow, I think from the college directory and wrote to her. I remember the opening line, You may not remember me. ...chuckle... So, began a very long and nearly uninterrupted email exchange that continues till even today. Through relationships, hardships, good times and bad, we wrote. I went to war and she was the most consistent and good thing in my life. At times, she was the only one who wrote me. I eagerly looked for her emails. There were occassions that I used embassy email systems to get her letters or send them. I sat in stinking holes in Africa and downloaded her mail. What can I say, you all have done something off the wall for that someone special.
I went to Iraq and became so disillusioned with everything. When I came home, my first act was to board a plane to go see her. I spent an amazing few, short days just walking around and talking to her. At the end of the visit, I told her that I would leave the military, move to be near her, and do whatever she wanted just to be with her. I wanted her to be the mother of my children. Heck, I still do.
However, she is much more sensible and practical than I could ever hope to be. She politely declined the offer, which was expected, but not hoped for. Anyone who knows me, knows that the only thing that I have that is solely mine is my love for the military. So, making such an offer was the only thing that I could give her to show the depth of my love. I know that if she is reading this, I am probably a dead man. However, no names. I promise to keep her identity a secret for her.
Why this long dialogue? Well, I have been trying hard to forget the emotion that I feel for her, I know that she is uncomfortable with it and sometimes I feel more like a love-struck Quasimoto than a man. Despite the years, the education, the standing that I hold in my community, I still feel that I have little to offer...always the De Bergerac never the prince.
Anyway, I received a short note and a song from her. I know that she didn't mean it the way that I want her to mean it, but sometimes the best fantasies are those that you want so badly that you can taste them. So, I sit here with a big shit-eating grin on my face and wistfully think and wonder where is my Pan? How I wish for my Midnight Summer's Dream.
So, even though I know better. I will answer the questions posed by the Pet Shop Boys' in their song Always on my Mind. Yes, you are always on my mind. No, my love has not died. You have never made me feel second best. Lastly, my only greatest regret it that I never kissed you.
Finally, as I told you aforetime, I am your dutiful servant and always shall be.
Ecco Homo
