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Jenay's blog: "jenays world.com"

created on 01/13/2012  |  http://fubar.com/jenays-world-com/b345919

now that it has all been said and done
the pain i feel
the fathomless nights
the tears i shed
the blood i  bleed

these are the memories i keep
you didnt want to know
in the darkness the light fades
the wounds of old bleed through
the thick and thin have worn away
and only left the grief

down here love wasnt meant to be
angle wings burn in the darkness
so close your eyes but dont dream too deep
brace your self it is easier that way
set apart this dream

all the pain wont save this blood
turn and run dont wait
i save all these things coldly
scalded by the many
waitiing on the one

it never was
never will be
your holding the rope
just let go


she floats on the celling
she cries  to me
she died with a broken heart

she flaots on the celling
she talks to me
she lived a lonely life

she floats on the celling
she holds me
she killed herself with greif

she floats on the celling
she dances with me
she hangs around waiting

she floats on the celling
she disrupts my sleep
she wants release

                                                                    Broken Ties

i alone tried
i alone gave all
i alone wanted
i alone loved

i alone am broken
i alone suffer
i alone fight
i alone cry 

maybe i am alone in this life
maybe i tried too hard to be what you wanted
maybe i should give up
maybe i should hit the ground
maybe i should die alone

i alone break the ties
i alone give over to death
i alone dont care anymore
i alone end this today

i stand in the crowd and cry out for release
i stand alone in the crowd and disapear
i stand for what is right for my heart
i stand alone in this pain

the ties are broken never to be repaired
the ties that bind are broken
the ties that were are no more

                                                                Better then Me

he told you that he loved you
he told you that you hold the moon and stars
he told you there is no other

he never told me the same
he never told me you were meant to be his
he never held me close to the flames

he told you that you were the best
he told you that you that there was no other

he never told me that you were there
he never told me what he thought about me
i was never enough

i was replaced by a ghost
i lost my soul in flames of resentment
i lost my mind trying to be his everything

all i ever wanted was to be held when i fell and hit the ground
he never did any of these things for me

he thinks you are better then me
he thinks the lies will save him from the flames in my eyes

he thinks his soul will fly to you
he thinks i will one day forgive
he thinks i have no place in his life

i gave my best to be what he wanted and got burned for it
i gave up my everything to be there

what you will never be is me
what you have done is taken more then you are worth
what you are to me is a nothing thats all you both will always be to me

your not better then me
your not nor will you ever be me
you will one day regret what you have done
there will come a day when you face me

god may forgive the betrayal
but i will never forget the pain you both caused me


 I'm one of the sweetest people you will ever meet, unless you choose to disrespect me! In that case, you WILL see the bitch in me come out pretty fast. I'm here to have fun and meet new people. I do NOT want to see your cock pics and I do not have NSFW pics. So, please don't bother asking! All I ask is that you respect me and my friends and we will get along just fine! YES! I do have a life outside of Fubar! I am logged on 24/7 but that does not mean that I am sitting at a PC! So don't get bent outta shape if I don't answer right away!

Surrounded by
Every lie that won't come true
Now you wanna take the time
But why would you
Think you're gonna make it right
But how could you
So I can't stay
Surrounded by
(surrounded by)
Every lie

  I Got Flowers Today


               I got flowers today

It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day

Last night he hit me and I know he’s sorry

Cause I got flowers today.           

              I got flowers today

It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day

Last night he hit me again and I know he’s sorry

Cause I got flowers today

              I got flowers today

It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day

Last night he beat me ,and I know he’s sorry

Cause I got flowers today

               I got flowers today

It wasn’t  my birthday or any other special day

Last night he beat me again and I know he’s sorry

Cause I got flowers today

                As I stand looking in the mirror I know he’s sorry

Cause I got flowers today , it wasn’t my birthday  or any other special day

The doctors said it will be ok the pain will go away and the bruises will fade and

I know he’s sorry

Cause I got flowers today

          I got flowers today

It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day

Last night the beating was bad I am lay in the hospital

With broken bones ,Bruises and broken hearted

And I know he’s sorry

Cause I got flowers today

           I got flowers today

It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day

Last night he killed me

And I  know he’s sorry

Cause I got flowers today 

As I stand looking over my broken body 

I know he’s sorry

Cause I got flowers to day  for the last time.

Pebbles,Stones,Rocks and Redwood Trees

What are these things?


    Pebbles, stones, rocks and Redwood Trees


                                        I have found these things to be Gods way of talking to me 

When you’re on the wrong path in life, God tosses pebbles at you trying to get you to listen to him "you're going the wrong way in life, stop-go back"

but most of the time I just ignored the pebbles” rubbing back of head”, sigh and go on down the road I am walking on ,many bad things happened between the pebbles and the rocks .For instance  in 1990 I was in a horrid car wreck and was ejected out of the car and broke my left collar bone and cracked a few ribs “the pebble was my seat belt”, but I was 20 ten foot tall and bullet proof don't need a seat belt ,I thought”. Wrong was I, three months laid up and in a lot of pain .broken collar bones take time to heal. Then came the stones, I had lots of pebbles but just rubbed my head and went on down the road I was on .the stones started with another car wreck "seat belts again”, I rolled a Jeep 4x4, and flew from the driver’s side to the passenger’s seat,"whip lash”, nothing broken this time .was happy for that but whip lash hurts just as bad as broken bones, sometimes. When was 21 at that time less than one year from the last wreck., there were many stones that where hard to learn from like ,a miscarriage at 24 and a broken heart to go with it .more stones more stones more stones then at age 35 the rocks came left more head rubbing to do more often. I was smoking weed and getting drunk and doing  bad things in general and one of the stones was "false heart attack”, one heart catheter later and still rubbing my head more stones came at me,CPS got in my life ,I lost my daughter for 5 years ,went through hell getting her back and did so .then more stones more stones figuring out how to dodge them did not work ,umbrellas won’t help either ,so I got almost right with God and  a few more stone hit me ,a fall out with family members the loss of a dear aunt, then the rocks started hitting me and almost knocking me over ,but I tried to dodge them and out run them only to have them hit the back of my head and stop me and leave me stunned wondering who the heck is throwing stones and rocks at me "I never thought about God doing it ".the path I was walking started to become covered in the rocks ,I would stumble then get up and go forward only to trip over a rock then fall again ,these things include the fall out of family that still goes on today far from me but still is there, then up  till about October of 2010 ,I had another false heart attack and another heart catheter done only to find out   I have heart issue's and heart palpitations "that means my heart beats real fast for no reason" and that was my REDWOOD TREE, it left me flat on my back in the hospital , with nowhere to run ,nowhere to hide, nothing but the silent calm voice of Jesus talking to me and soothing my soul, I have cleaned my life up and cleaned out the closets ,no more drinking ,no more parties ,no more drugs ,nothing but my daughter ,and my new husband, the closets no longer hide ghosts of the past ,nor the lies that made them ghosts, No more Drama in my life ,all is gone ,all is calm . This is how God became more important than anything, then family.

Wings of Freedom

being as I am sharing all that has become or what was the life I lived in abuse .I hope that this story of how I got out of the darkness might touch the hearts of them that have no voice and let them see they are not alone and that there is a way out of abuse. I did not think I could get out of the abuse till I started at age 14 reading Stephen King's books he gave me wings to fly with inside my mind

his books gave me a way out of the pain I was feeling from being beaten, what Taylor did not know is that I did leave the house and I did get out in the open if only through a book I was reading, the books gave me a safe place to turn to and hide if only for a few chapters at a time. one book that stuck in my mind and still to this day was called Rose Madder, it was about a woman that lived in abuse and got out .my story had no such ending like that book did, but it gave me wings to fly on in my mind to think that I too could get out of the abuse and run free from him .and over time I did indeed get free. Should Taylor have known that Stephen King was my escape he would have taken the books and burned them. Being beaten down in to a submissive state was not easy to do .the pain I felt I still feel when fear hits me. But the man I am married to now, sees the pain I try to hide and helps me stand true to who I am. 




I am a Survivor, mother, woman, a Free spirit.

No More I Love Yous

After being with Taylor for a few years there was a night we went to a party that was for his birthday 
he had been working full time at a main hotel chain in midland as bar manager and D.J part time when he was needed to .I got all dressed up and make up on and best looking clothing on ,and off we went to the party that was held by one of his female coworkers ,i do not remember her name i'll call her Kelly for now.anyways we got there they had the cake and drinks and drugs and he had a great time flirting with Kelly and the rest of the females he worked with ignoring me the whole time as normal for him ,i sat in the corner of the living room watching this all happen thinking what the hell has he been up to with these females,they all acted as if i was his little sister not his girlfriend ,and to top that when i got up to get me a soda to drink some man that i never met before walked over and grabbed my ass and said "we are swappers and your mine tonight",I had no clue what Taylor had been up to at work and when i was no where to see or hear the things that went on with his work ,i do remember the late night calls from Kelly and always wondered why ? when she would call at odd times of the night way after Taylor has left the bar and closed it all down locked it up ,she would call and Taylor would get up out of bed and go to another room in the apartment to talk to her for hours on end then come back to bed hateful to me and go to sleep.No hugs no kisses nothing not even a I love you nothing at all.this went on for about 2 years of the last few that i was with Taylor before he went back to work full time in a radio station.The late night calls never stopped and i grew more and more apart from Taylor and the violent out burst started getting more and more frequent.the night at his party i asked him what they where doing and he took me in the bathroom and showed me a pile of cocaine on a mirror and said that they had gotten it for the part and for them that wanted to get high that was the first time i ever did that drug and last time i wanted to go to any parties with Taylor,a few years later i grew a big cocaine  habit  while working in the night clubs as a stripper due to that night .I do not fully blame Taylor for that but it did add to the fact i became addicted to the drug.i worked in the clubs for 11 years of my adult life doing more cocaine then any one human should by them selves 5 or 6 ounces per 4 days thats a lot of drugs to do alone for 6 years of the 11 that i worked full time as a stripper.But as me and Taylor grew further apart this need for drugs became over whelming and i started this at 17,I am now 41 and drug free and have been now for 15 years ,I often look back on that time i spent drugged up and think "what the hell where you thinking" you could have died ,but i did not ,i think the drug abuse got me through the abuse i was subjected to on a daily bases there in the end of what had become my life with Taylor . the night before i was pushed out of Taylors life he yelled at me i Don't love you anymore  i want you out of my fucking life and i want it now so i can move Kelly in here shes a real woman not a child .i was crushed and heart broke  then the next day he beat the crap out of me and told me it was gonna be him or me and he wasn't going no where so that meant i was going.the next few days life became a living hell for me,i spent one more night in the hospital after being beaten and then Dave was called to come get me by the nurse in the hospital ,i spent the few days after getting my things packed and ready to go while Taylor spent all of his Time with Kelly at her apartment,Kelly was the one female he worked with that was not married but went to the swing parties to meet men and have sex with whom ever she wanted or that wanted her.I found these things out years later.
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