so im sittin here all alone on a friday night...why? i dont think thats fair at all.im so effin bored and hella tired from workin all day,but i still wanna party hella bad.i dont like living here,i wanna go home sooo bad.i miss it so much it makes me wanna cry.i used to hate it there and think it was boring and all that and that everywere else was better than were i lived.but now that i think about it,it was the like one of the best place to live.any thing i needed i got within the hour...and i do mean everything people.i had all my friends,the love of my life,my job,school and a place i could call my own.now i feel like im in a cross between prison and rehab,a rehab filled with ex-tweekers and alcoholics.i know this is something i should be writting on my myspace page,but the last thing i want is for my sister-in-law,who is on my friends list,read this and find out how much i hate it in her house.or how weak iam and cant seem to stay away from the one thing i know can and will take over my life.i have been lost before and as it turns out i liked being lost more than found,i like being high or drunk than sober.why?because when your sober you have to deal with who you really are,your problems are bitch smacking you in the morning to wake you up.your problems and memories are what brings you down,make you cry,make you angry,and make you hurt not only other people in you life but yourself.but when your in a differnt state of mind you dont have to do deal with the past present or future.you deal with RIGHT NOW,you dont have to be yourself,and sometimes being your self is a real pain in the ass.im in no way making exuses,im just thinking alot about my life right now and the direction its currently going in.on sunday it will be 12 years since my mom lost her battle with cancer.and thinking about her makes me wonder about what she would say about the way i have choosen to live my life,the kind of woman her lil baby girl grew up too be.and i know she would just cry her eyes out.im not the same little girl that played softball,jumped off the roof into our pool,climed trees,played drees up and had a whole entire soap opera that would rivial that of "All My Children" for my barbies.i have so much more to say,more than im aloud to type im sure.but im getting lost in myself,and cant quite stay in track.but for all of you who actually did read this i thank you for that,please understand that im a real person with a real life and everything that comes with it.
