Oh I just need to vent really quickly so I can get back to cleaning my damn apartment, because that is so fun after all, lol. I’ve had a lot on my mind the past few days what with some people I have been talking to, some I haven’t been talking to, and of course the babies taking up a great deal of my time as well (just because they are so damn cute). I’m a confused mess and I freely admit that right now, but I am not unhappy about it, not sad, not upset, not searching for anything . . . I just am. Isn’t that all I should be anyway . . . Just Jessie nothing more?!
Well, that is what I am right now. I have had a few people who dropped more or less out of my life at the same time a few weeks ago just pop back in at the same time in the past week. I have not been talking too much to the one person I really want and need to talk to and I can’t quite figure out what is going on with them. So, rather than let this all bother me and start to think endless thoughts of what may happen or what has happened I am just letting things be . . . Letting them go where they need with no pushing and what happens happens and I will just follow the lead.
Let’s start at the people who have come back into my life the past few days shall we? Hell, I honestly can’t tell you why they disappeared when they did, I just know they did and that they each had their own reasons and that is enough for me. These people owe me nothing, no explanation of their actions, no asking for forgiveness, they owe me nothing. I’m glad to see each of them back of course despite the things that will remain in the past. I enjoy each of them for reasons that are very unique and as much as I hate to admit to this each of them holds a place in my heart that they carved there themselves . . . So they will always be a part of me now. Good friends are hard to find and when you get them, the first time or subsequent times in this case you should hold onto them . . . Which is what I am doing now.
The one that I am not talking to I am so worried about that is eating away at me. This person is very important to me for some reason and I refuse to explore why. They are important and that is enough for me. I don’t want to question it, I just enjoy it for what it is . . . A pure connection with another human being. That is what I have strived for in my life, that type of connection, that love that you can’t explain and that has no rhyme or reason it just is. It’s not the love where you look at someone and think that you are madly in love with them - it’s the type of love where everything that happens to that person has some bearing on your being. When I do not hear from this person I worry, when I find out things are bad, I fret, when I hear that things are well then I rejoice . . . It’s a great feeling to care for someone such as this.
Anyway, I am just happy to be at this point I guess. I am coming back to my old self again and I couldn’t be happier about it really. I was never really lost I guess just hiding from those that need not know who I am. I have decided to continue saying fuck you to those who judge me for what they believe me to be. I have decided to say fuck you to those that decide that I am not good enough for them to waste time on. I have decided to say fuck you to those that choose to walk out of my life. I have decided to say fuck you to those that are bothered by the things I say or do. I have decided to say fuck you to those that want me to change. I decided to say fuck you to those that expect anything less than or more than I am. After all, I am Jessie . . . Nothing more nothing less.
Now, back to cleaning J
