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My current situation

Ok.. So here is the situation.. I have quit my job. More on that later. In the meantime, I have all my tax information and registry information ready to go for college. Oh, I am going back to school. More on that later.

The conundrum... I am too late for FAFSA to approve my grant before fall quarter starts. I can start in the fall provided I come up with around 1500 bucks. So, I am posting this in search of odd jobs; really, any job, that you would be willing to pay me for. I am willing to work hourly, by the job, or whatever other scheme we can come up with as long as it is cash.

I am good with computers, plumbing, and yard work. If you need a lawn mowed, something cleaned, raked, a sink unclogged, a drain fixed, a roof re-shingled, a WoW character power leveled, a fence built, or whatever you can think of; I'll do. Pass the word along and let me know if you need anything.

Broken Heart

The day is done. I cannot sleep tonight.

I couldn't even look her in the eyes today. It was extremely hard to fake this attitude that life was peachy in front of JD's teachers. I was able to get through it, extremely hurt and I feel more broken than I did yesterday. I have already lost that memory of that dream; nor can I remember the feeling that came with it.

How long will this last? I know time will heal all wounds.. But I'm so tired of feeling useless. Because that's honestly how I feel. I tried three times to fix my marriage and each time I failed until I finally gave up. I couldn't please her nor could I make her happy.

I know I cannot make someone happy, but I feel like a failure because of it. I feel washed up and broken; damaged goods.

Moral Conundrum

So I was in a moral conundrum this morning.

My soon to be ex (May 14th) wanted me to do some finagling on our car insurance policy so that she would have a cheaper insurance on her new car. Unbeknownst to me, this would mean my insurance would be higher (because according to State Farm now, I'm a single reckless 26 year old male which means I pay out the nose).

If I gifted her the Saturn's policy, she would have paid very little; if I did that, I'd pay nearly double what I am paying now. If I kept the Saturn policy, my rate would be next to nothing, and hers would be about 100 bucks a month (pretty much what she's paying now).

After meeting with the insurance lady, I told her that I would keep the Saturn policy and sure enough, Lacey became extremely butthurt and pissed off in front of the insurance lady and all the other people in the office. She left and then I left shortly after.

I sat in my car for about 10 minutes. I didn't want to do it; but morally I had to.

I walked back in and talked to the insurance lady and said I'd take the Nissan policy, to gift the Saturn policy to Lacey. I left feeling better about myself and just sent a short text to Lacey.

"You owe me. I took the higher policy. Yours is the cheaper one."

The reply I got was.. Well not what I was expecting at all and am now, in fact, furious.

Her: "You took the cheaper."
Me: "No. Went back and talked to her, I took the higher."
Her: "No, goddammit go back and fix it."
Me: "It's done."
Her: "Why are you doing this to me?"
Me: "Helping you?"
Her: "No, you are stressing me out, go back and fix it."
Me: "No. You have the cheaper rate. You're supposed to say "Thanks" at the very least. But it looks like that is too much to ask from you. Whatever."
Her: "It isn't helping if you say I owe you. Go back and change it."
Me: "Fine. You don't owe me crap. Never have never will. I'm done with you."

Come to find out she called State Farm and changed it back for me to have the cheaper rate now... Grr.. What on earth do I do? I am so infuriated over what should be a good thing for me.

I wrote this Wednesday night when I first woke up.

 

Something happened this morning.

 

I remember waking up with a earth splitting headache and the back of my eyes burned.  I can remember getting in the shower hoping it would just get rid of the headache.  When  I got out, it was still there, and it started to get worse.  I thought then that I was dehydraded.  So I went down stairs and got a tall glass of water.  I slowly began to drink it when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

I was laying on the couch and my vision got blurry and my nose started to bleed.  I ran upstairs to the bathroom and vomited.  I couldn’t see so I shut the lights off, I started to hyperventilate and I yelled for Nuke.  He ran upstairs and I told him to get me the phone.  About 5 minutes later he brought it in and I called Josh.  Then I called Mom.  I remember josh giving me something to drink. And then two pills, and that’s it.

 

The right side of my head throbs and I cannot feel from the top of my right face all the way down to my neck, and it is incredibly hard to think or concentrate.  I know I have typing errors, but I can’t seem to fix them.  I can't find my phone and I can't find ,y glasses.

 

It’s now 6.40 pm?

What happened?

The pain..
It comes in waves..
Each one is as if my insides were being torn and twisted around.
My eyes well up with tears.  I become blind.
I try to scream, but I realize I'm not breathing.
There is this cold shroud over me.
There's nothing but blackness on my mind.
Is it seething hate? Is it anger?
Do I succumb to the will that is not mine?
I'm dying inside.
There's a pit in my soul that's nearly all but eaten me away.
The hand of Fate cannot be forced this time.
I'm broken.
I'm beaten.
I've run out of will to live.

Vermillion Pt 2

She seems dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame
All the torment and the pain
leak through and covered me
I'd do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable
Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
And I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

But I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
(x 3)

I catch in my throat
Choke
Torn into pieces
I won't......No
I don't want to be this

But I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me......won't let this build up inside of me)

(sheee)
She isn't real
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I can't make her real
(won't let this build up inside of me)
She isn't real
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I can't make her real
(won't let this build up inside of me)

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