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Over the past two years... one man has completley broken me into the woman I have never wanted to be and made me weak, scared, but most of all the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I have found love... I think I know... I think I have conquered what some never have in their lifetime- and that is to completley, 200% love another person with every bit of your heart. mind, and soul. Now he is leaving me. Here is what I have felt and what I think love is... Love grows stronger every single day. You find beauty in every little imperfection about them... the way their eyes light up when the Sabres win a hockey game, the way his voice gets even more northern when he is mad, and the most beautiful smile in the world he gets when you do something nice for him. You miss him when he is lying right beside you. You dream of him every night. You would do anything in this world to make them smile. You hate yourself more than anything when you make them mad or sad and it's always your fault. You say you're sorry, even when it's his fault. You sacrifice things you want so he can have what he wants. His happiness comes before my own. You want their pain so they feel no hurt. You want to fix every problem he has even though you know you can't-- and you hate yourself because you can't. You cherish every single second with him and then feel like you're still taking him for granted. He is your first thought every morning and you're last thought before you sleep. You pray for him more than you pray for yourself and you would do anything in this world just see him smile... I don't know what to do... Mike is leaving to move back home in one month to Buffalo, New York. I feel like I'm loosing my best friend and life. The past two years have been so hard dealing with his cancer, his father's death, and his best friends suicide. Mike has had it so damn bad and I've done all I can for him... but I still hate myself for not being capable of doing more. He want's to go home to be with his friends and most of all his mom, she isn't doing well and she misses him more than anything. I understand 110% but it's killing me, it has taken over my mind, my body, my thoughts and yes... my worst fear is coming true. He isn't happy here. I can't fulfill his needs. I'm not enough. I'm so mad. I want to be mad at God and fate because he is the only man in this world I love and trust. I don't want anyone else, I never have... everyone is always like "Liz you're too pretty to be single" or "Liz why are you always single?" and it's because I don't have the energy for anyone else and it honestly makes me sick to my stomache to think about dating other people because I'm so in love with Mike. We're not offically "together" (but we're together all the time) because he tells me "he can't give me what I need" because he doesn't know how much longer he's going to live and his heart is so broken from the death of his father and the death of his best friend and that puts a knife through my heart. I don't care if I would only be with him 3 years- I want to still be there, I want him. I've watched him cry I know he's scared and I want to be there to protect him, help him, and make sure that he's knows how much he's loved every second of the day... but he will not do it... he says he will not put me through that. I've cried so many nights and begged and begged God to please do something to make this work and I've gotten nothing. I can not be selfish though. I try so damn hard to beleive that everything happens for a reason and that what is mean't to be will always find a way but it gets hard. There is a reason that he is leaving and we're not together and I just have to deal with it. They say time will heal the pain, but it doesn't erase my dreams and my memories. In two years it feels like he and I have been through a lifetime. But it's what Mike wants... he said "there's nothing here for him anymore" that hurts like hell to hear, it breaks my heart, but it what it is, and love is not selfish so I can't hold him back, I want him to be happy, no matter how much this is killing me... knowing that he has a smile on his face and he's doing what he wants to do, that is enough for me. So the two years are up. My heart is empty, just like my soul, and my feelings and in one month I will watch my world drive away for good. It keeps me up at night crying, but I would do it all over again 100 times, it was worth it. Love is the single most best feeling I have ever had in my life. Modeling, getting a brand new car, winning money, or anything doesn't even romotely come close to the feeling of loving another person with every bit of your heart. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
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