PrettyToy712's blog: "just a box of stuffs..."

years later, out of nowhere. A box I forgot I still had. pale, near-virgin paper barely creased or ever read. The scent of your lipstick still preserved where you kissed it. The few only words you ever wrote me. "I'm glad we met." "I hope we can make each other happy." "we're a step ahead." ...we're a step ahead... I've heard that one before

I guess my time had come. Time that finally I'd walk in on...I guess my luck had run. Finally all run out, so I'll walk in on...I just want my friends right now. I just want my friends to help me out of this hopeless feeling I'm in, to forget what I saw. Panic in my chest. Clamp around my stomach. Funny when your heart starts beating faster (in a bad way.) God, how do I act? They haven't seen me yet. Turn, you stupid weakling. Walk away and everything will be okay. I just want my friends right now. I just want my friends to talk me out of the stupid things I might do if I go on like this. I should knock you both out right now. God knows I'd like to. So that's what you look like when you're being kissed... I never would have know - my eyes were always closed. My eyes. always closed. Last time I trust anyone. Last time I trust you.

When I see you smile, the corners of your mouth quiver like you're trying to hold it. And there's a tiny bit of sadness I think I see in you beneath those heavy, solid, deep, infinite eyes. I only hope you see me the same way I see you. So keep holding me in that gaze. I would give anything for you to keep holding me. Who you are is still somewhat unknown to me. But it's not the mystery that makes me want you. It's the tiny bit of sadness I think I see in you that tells me there's so much inside you. There's so much inside I want to know. I only hope I'm not misreading you. So please keep holding me in that gaze, because I never felt it before you. And just last night when you said, "How could I ever forget you?" ...just last night you said, "How could I ever forget you..."

Let's end this on a better note, and pretend I hadn't lost all hope. Then maybe a few of you will understand what I meant when I told you I'm too wounded at this point; I'm just too difficult. I can never be any good for you. So, goodbye. Goodbye. I'll not think of you all for a while. It just seems pointless now to even try. I've filled myself with too many things that I thought I could use to fill the holes inside I've made. But there is nothing. Everything's empty. This world has nothing. This world is nothing. And every ounce I drink, a small part of me dissolves 'til there's nothing left to hold the rest together. And everyone I touch strips away at the thing in me that tells me life and love are rare and precious. And I'm nearly all gone. So God restart me. This world has nothing. This world is nothing. So, goodbye.

Goodbye Salt Lake. My late afternoon flight. I'll take these wings, because I don't have my own. But if I did, they'd be even more weathered than these. And I couldn't get home. No, I wouldn't go home. From way up here I'm unknowingly looking at you. And I wonder if we're similar enough that you feel it. Up here it's just empty space and the cold, thin air. And I wonder if there's really that much more for me down there. Aileron, my enemy. Just this once, let my plane not go down. For as many times as I've begged you to fail, this time I've gotta get back alive to live and hear her voice again. God keep us safe, or turn us around and crash in the lake where I woke up today feeling so great.

I woke up with your beautiful name and body curling up next to me. Your room soaked in a clear, late-morning light, dull music still ticking quietly. The same birds singing that had started when we drifted asleep. I touch your cool hair and velvety back. Do you even understand why I call you angel, Nani? Driving me back in the warm air and I can feel our time is almost through. "So why don't you move here?" and you know I'm just dumb enough to. "When will I see you again? I hope soon..." But I know I don't really need to, because once is enough to bond me to you, but you know I'd love to see you, Nani. I attach too easily, and it just leaves me empty.