Fubby to the beautiful Deb I Love you ba...'s blog: "It never fricking ends...."

OK, I’m not sure how this works but I’ve been given instructions to leave a message to everyone here. My name is Kevin Wolfe and I’ve been pretty much ordered to say that I’m Ross’s best friend. I’ve known Ross since junior school which would make it about 20 years now. We’ve grown up together and I’ve been with him through everything. I’ve known him from the very first den we made in the woods behind our houses through school, through college and through our adult lives and I can honestly say, I’ve never known anyone like him. He’s supported me through out my darkest times and he’s been my partner in crime in many a alcohol fuelled night out. Ross passed away on 14th March 2008. I spent the day with him on the 12th in hospital and he passed me a sheet of paper with a very long list of instructions. He asked me to go to this website and say goodbye to everyone. The following is a word for word copy of what he wrote - he wanted me to type this out exactly as he said it and he made me promise that I would. On a personal note, Deb - whoever you are - he was in love with you. I’m just a guy, I’m a bloke who’s known Ross forever but he could not stop talking about you. He told me that everyone would probably find it silly that he was in love with someone he’s never met but he didn’t care what they thought. Throughout his last days, he told me a hundred times over that I should let you know, that I should make you understand that he was sorry. I’m not sure what happened between you two but I do know that he regrets what he did. Anyway, this is what he wrote…. Deborah…….. I can’t even begin to apologise for what I’ve put you through. You’ve only told me small things about you and your life but I know that you deserve nothing less than total happiness. I met you over a year ago and in those simple 365 days I’ve known and loved an Angel. No-one can see your wings but we all know they’re there. No-one can see your halo but we all know it shines with the most amazing brilliance. Your voice, your laughter, your smile has kept me going through some of the lowest points in my life and I can honestly say, hand on my heart, that without you my life would have been empty. You filled my life with happiness. You were the reason for my smile. You were the reason I laughed every night. I have loved you from the start, I love you now and I will love you forever more. If things were different then I would of come over to you and asked you to marry me with the ring I sent you. I would of gone down on one knee before you and offered you my life. I would of given everything I have to you and I would of spent every single day loving you as only you deserve. I’m sorry for leaving you my angel. You have always had my heart. You always will. I love you Deb. Ross wanted everyone to know that he went in peace. I’m writing this on the 17th of March so he never got to see his birthday but he told me that he’ll be looking down on us all with a pint in each hand and a cigarette hanging out of the side of his mouth. I’m not sure if you’re allowed to swear on this site but fuck me, I’m going to miss him. From everything he said about the people here, he’s going to miss you too. He said that I should come on this site to talk to people but I’m not sure. I might come on later but I’m not going to promise anything - it might be a bit weird.

OK, so it’s a day late…….. So sue me! I haven’t been online in a long time so I’m not sure what people have written to me but I’m gonna try and make this as short as I can. I’m not going to tell anyone which hospital I’m at. I’m not going to say where I am or how long I’ve been told I have left to live. As certain people know, I’ve been transferred to a different hospital. This doesn’t mean I’ll be getting a better level of treatment, this doesn’t mean I’ll be getting a higher chance of survival. I want everyone who reads this to realise that this means only one thing…. …… When I go, it’ll be easier for me. This is going to be the last chance I get to speak to anyone and it sucks cos it’s a one way conversation. it’s a Sunday night over here and I have to go into hospital tomorrow morning at 10.30am. I’m not going to come out. I’ll understand if people don’t realise why I’m doing this. I mean, Jesus H. Christ, its only an online social site but I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever had here. And I know they’re going to be thinking “Why the hell is he doing this?” Its because I’m a wuss. I’m a chicken, I’m a pussy and I’m just so totally afraid of saying goodbye to everyone. Fucks sake - I’m having to stop every 5 minutes here cos I’m crying……. Deb. Debbie. Debs. Deborah. Please, please, please don’t hate me. This has been one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do in my entire life. You have been the shining light in my existence. You have been the very reason I’ve woken up in the morning. You are my smile. You are my laughter. You have been the reason I wake up every morning. You have my heart. And you always will. I am so amazingly happy that I have known love. And I am so amazingly happy that I have known love from you. I love you so much baby xxxxxxxxxxxx Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words and comments. I’m not even going to try and name everyone separately but honest to god, thank you to all. You are all amazing and I truly believe I’m honoured to of met each and every one of you. Play safe….. And if you can’t play safe then send me the video xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone! Its been a long time since my last blog but I’ve been in hospital for the past few days for yet more tests and scans. The news isn’t good. The cancer in my left kidney has grown and has also spread to my right kidney now. This, coupled with the mass in my liver, means I now have to go to hospital once a week for dialysis. I’ll be honest, I haven’t been feeling good for the past week or so - at least I know the reason now. The mass in my lung has grown slightly and there’s signs that its going to cross over to the other pretty soon which not only sucks but blows as well. Ironic really…… Again, I apologise if my obviously odd sense of humour wierds anyone out. I know how strange it must be for people to read this and notice that I’m joking around about whats happening to me but I came to terms with the whole situation a long time ago, I accepted the fact that there’s not a whole lot that can be done. So I generally stick my middle finger up at God and tell him I’ll be having some serious words with him outside the pearly gates. And believe me, he better come out wearing a cup……. I was going to write that I sent my angel a gift the other day but she hasn’t got it yet so I can’t spoil the surprise. Talk about frustrating….. I want to tell the whole world what I sent her but I can’t lol. I love her so much. She is my angel, my saviour, my love and, ultimately, my heart. I can’t even begin to describe how much I love my angel. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - there are no words in the English language that can put across what I feel for this woman. She is perfection personified and I class myself as one of the luckiest people on this planet who have had the true honour of getting to know her. Deb Brown - I love you. I am in love with you, I feel love for you, my heart loves you and my soul adores you. You mean more than the world to me, more than you can imagine. Each day that we are together makes me feel happier and happier. As sad as I am that I’ll be leaving you, I’m so amazingly happy that I have finally found true happiness. There’s been a lot of crap go on in my life (current situation not counting) and I honestly believed that I would go through the whole of my life not getting the chance to actually be happy. OK, everyone has their down days and they have times when they feel crappy but since you entered my life I can honest to god, truly say that I’ve had the best reason to smile each and every day. You are my love, you are my soul, you are my smile and you are my heart. Well, I’m going to sign off now cos I’m welling up here and I can’t see the keyboard properly lol Play safe people - and if you can’t play safe then video it and send it to me J xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I am so deeply in love with someone that it hurts. Well, its more of an ache than a hurt. I talk to her on YIM and my throat closes up, my eyes water, my nose starts to tingle (you know that feeling you get the very second before you cry?) and I spend an eternity just looking at the screen trying to find the words I need to tell her I love her. I told her the other day that I was 99% ecstatically happy that we found each other. To date, we've never met, we've never even spoken on the phone (but I'm working on that one lol), in fact, the only communication we've had has been txt based through this site and YIM. But if you can find near total perfect happiness by only typing then can you even begin to imagine what it would be like to speak to that person? To meet them? To hold them, to kiss them, to stroke their hair as they lay their head on your chest and listen to your heart beat? Theres a very good (or bad) chance that I'll never get to experience that. I'll almost definately get to speak to her but I'm seriously doubting that I'll get to meet her. I'll never kiss her. I'll never walk through the door, see her and hold her in my arms. And thats the other 1%. I'm in love with a truly beautiful person, in every possible definition of the word, but I can't do anything about it. We were talking earlier today about whats happening to me and this is a little bit of the conversation.... the_one_the_only_uk: its hard to believe but i'm kind of calm about it. i know its going to happen - don't get me wrong, its a total kick in the crotch - but i'm not scared the_one_the_only_uk: in fact, sod it, i'd rather BE kicked in the crotch truth be told but you can't have everything right? lol (the_one_the_only_uk is my YIM name.... yes its egotistical, yes its big headed.... so sue me!) As any guy who is reading this can confirm - getting a kick to the twig and giggle berries is quite literally, a breath taking experience. Its a pain unlike any other. But, as I said, I would rather be kicked in the crotch than go through what I'm going through. I know theres no point in wishing and hoping. Wish in one hand and shit in the other - see which fills up first. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you have someone special in your life then for the love of God, let them know it. After you've read this then phone them if they're away and tell them you love them. If they're with you now then turn to them and tell them that you love them and hug them like you're never letting go. Why? Because you can.

How can a love so gentle Be so fierce? How can a gentle caress Grip with such strength? How can your tenderest glance So quickly pierce My soul, its depth? My life, its length?

I've suddenly come to realize one of the worst pains. When you want something, or more importantly - someone, and you can't have it. I'm 26, hopefully going on 27, and I've only just today come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to be with the one person I'm in love with. I don't want peoples sympathy, I don't want people to comment on how sorry they are for me but I've had a lot of shit go on in my life. I'm totally aware that there are people out there that have infinately worse lives than me and will continue to have shitty lives but I've had my fair share of crap come my way. Having said that, I've also had my good times. I've had a steak dinner at the Eiffel Tower. I've rowed a boat in Central Park NY. I've swam with dolphins in Jamaica. I've jumped from a plane at 13,000ft for charity (ironically it was for Cancer Research). On one hand, I've had things happen to me that I wouldn't wish on anyone. On the other, I've experienced things that most people never will. But today, I've only just realized that I'm not going to have the one thing that I want. Love is a double-edged sword. It can give you everything you've ever wanted. It can make you the happiest person in the entire world. You don't even recognise anyone else when you're in love. You want one person and you want to make that person the happiest in the world. If you're in love then the only thing you're interested in is making sure that person is smiling. You want to make sure that the person you're in love with is happy, is content and doesn't want for anything. However, the second you realize that love can't go anywhere, all is lost. You want things that can't happen. You want to be with someone when you know you can't. The only thing on your mind is the one thing you can't have and it consumes you. You think of ways to be with the one you love and even though you know you can't be there, you imagine a hundred ways to make it so. Theres a rhetorical question that goes - "What would happen if an unstoppable force met an immovable object?" The simple answer is love. Love is the unstoppable force. Love is the immovable object. Love is the result.

Guess I should write a little bit about me for those of you who want to know. And also for those of you who don't want to know as well - tough titties, i'm doing it anyway lol OK, born and raised in Hampshire in the UK. Typical kid I reckon - got into lots of trouble, built dens in the woods that surrounded the estate I lived on, never came back home on time and was constantly being grounded by my parents (now I come to think about it, I was grounded indefinately about 3 times..... how does that one work out? lol) My parents split up when I was 9 and, as every kid does, I blamed myself for the divorce. The usual stuff - if only I'd of come back on time, if only I hadn't spent all my pocket money on sweets, that kinda thing. Went off the rails a bit at school after that but was still a generally good kid (I'd like to think anyway lol) Me and my older sis were living with my mum and saw my dad at the weekend. Usually down the pub. That lasted for about 4 years. Then the shittiest thing happened. I was 13 and just came back from rounders practice after school (if you don't know what rounders is then just think baseball but in diet form). It was a summers day and I came bounding in the front door. The thing I found wierd was that there was most of my family in the lounge. Most of my family and 3 letters on the table. My mum had upped and left us. She was there in the morning and when I came back from school, she was gone. She didn't tell anyone where she went, she didn't tell anyone why. To add insult to injury, even the combined efforts of the police, Missing Persons and my family, no-one could figure out where she went. Guess who found her? Yup, muggins over here. I managed to track her down to Torquay all on my own. Not bad for a 13yo kid. The police there said she didn't want to be in contact with anyone and we should let her approach us if she wanted to. A couple of years later she got in touch and part explained what happened. Basically, she had a drink problem and suffered a nervous breakdown. She couldn't handle looking after me and my sis so she packed her bags and left. The wierd thing is I never blamed her. I was never angry, never mad. Very confused but I never held it against her. So, my dad moved in to take care of me and my sis and that just didn't work out from the start. It was the classic case of me living in the house for all my life and having another male butt in and take over. We fought like cat and dog and it was this way for about 6 yrs until I moved out properly (he chucked me out a couple of times) for the first time. I was living in this house with a few other people for a couple of years when the phone went. My mum had died. As mentioned previously, she had a drink problem and was supposed to of been off the booze but she was found in her flat in Torquay with a few empty bottles of vodka. She basically drank herself to death - died of multiple organ failure. A couple of years later, my dad did the exact same thing. He was taken to hospital but they couldn't do anything for him and he died when I was 24. So thats both parents dead from multiple organ failure due to alcoholism. I was in the middle of my smoking weed phase then and just got lower and lower. I'd be smoking about 15 kingsize joints a day just to knock myself out for the evening. I wasn't seeing my friends, I wasn't going out, I was spending a small fortune on weed and it was definately taking its toll on me. But, I gave it up about a year and a half ago and haven't touched it since. Oh, theres been times when I've been so desperate to ring someone up and ask if they have anything but I know I'll just go back into that place where I do nothing but smoke and its a bad place. Which pretty much brings me up to the here and now. Theres been a million other things that have happened, that have helped shape me into the person I am today but you've got better things to do with your time than read about them. We've covered alcoholism, drug addiction, death and rounders today - tomorrow, how to blow £70,000 in a year! I didn't type all of this to get people to say, awww, you've had a bad life, you deserve a break. I'm totally aware that there are millions of people in the world who have had it worse than me and will continue to lead lives that basically suck. I just wanted to write some shit down about me.

Big apologies to everyone who was worried about me the past few days. I had to rush off to hospital and didn't get the time to msg anyone about it - my bad. The good news is that I don't have to go on dialysis yet. The tumor in my kidney hasn't totally blocked it off (and fair enough, I got a spare one on the other side of my body **shouts at kidney PICK UP THE SLACK!!**) but they did warn me that it might be a possibility in the future. We'll see. The bad news is that I got out of bed this morning and pulled a muscle in my back and am currently sitting with my back against a radiator, keeping it nice and warm. The only major problem with this, as I've come to realise, is that eventually, sooner or later, I'll have to stand up. Yup, I don't think I've thought this one out properly..... lol I've found a sanctuary for my ferrets as well. I'm gonna hate giving them away but I'd rather they went to a place that can hopefully re-home them than give them to someone who says they can look after them but eventually give up after a few months. They're my babies and I know for a fact that I'm gonna cry like a little girl when I hand them over but its for the best. Right, will put something up later - play safe everyone. And if you can't play safe then video it and send it to me ;)