so here i am. in awe, in shock. angry, sad, lonely. i miss him. i hate him. he is my other half and i am not sure what that says about me. i did not choose him. there is so much he does not know, does not understand. i guess i can say the same for me.
he crashed into my life so many years ago, with his shy eyes and his wicked sexiness. the first time we really looked at each other, we fell into the other person's soul. we made love that night. and i mean made love. wholly. fully. it was always that way. i saw into him, i saw the dark, the sorrow, the anger, the longing. i was drawn to it. i saw love inside of him that i don't think he could see. i still don't think he sees it. i made him go away. i was young, we were both young. and i had BIG PLANS. i did not want him to get hurt. so i "protected" him. i guess in a very twisted way similar to how he "protects" me now. The plans happened. I missed him. I reached back, he was gone. or so i thought. only now i know that if i had pushed, if i had been honest and told him how i felt, things would be so different.
our lives, of course, went on. we both married, for obligation. then, so many years later, and for no reason that i can still tell, he came and found me. believe me, many were the nights i fell asleep to thoughts of him and many the tears i shed in my anger at myself for letting him go.
and all those years later, the love remained. it was almost instant. the passion, the chemistry, the laughter, the one-ness. he drew me back in again. i fell, hard. the love i had held so secret, so dear, so hidden- was finally realized.
and so it goes, now i know that i was perhaps not the one for him. he betrayed me as he betrayed so many others. it hurts like hell to have spent all of these years empty, longing, wondering. Now to find that i was a complete idiot. what does it say about me that i so fully loved a man who can make love to me, profess his undying devotion to us, ask me to spend my life with him, and then turn around and fuck nameless, faceless strangers? i know, i am an idiot. that i know. what i do not know or understand are all the lies. what good came of this? you got me back. then you let me go. now we are both unhappy, unfulfilled. you exposed me to many risks. you asked of me, and i gave. i can not believe any of this. but i do know one thing. there is a reason for it all. and i will emerge, i will grow, and i will continue to hold up my head. you have taken so much from me, even now you still do. but you have not broken me completely.
do i wish you were dead? of course not. i am angry and hurt, what do you expect? but the you i love, the you that you truly are is dead. the only person i suspect gets to see glimpses of it is your son. i hope that for his sake you can find what it is you are looking for. the thing that completes you. what i think hurts the most is that it was not me.
