PortlyIrishman's blog: "Portly's Place"

Next, there are the double standards that come into play which can shed both of the sexes in an unfair light in some cases;

1.        On looking at the opposite sex in a certain manner;

a.       If we men are spotted looking just a little too long at a woman, especially at her “special charms” (ie: breasts or buttocks), we may be called pigs, perverts, lecherous SOB’s, horndogs, or at times even worse than that as well but I will not repeat those. Let’s face it, we have eyes and we are going to look, it is only natural, telling us not to look it like telling us not to breath or to stop our heart from beating. It is a huge challenge.

b.       On the other hand, if a woman is spotted looking at a man in such a way it is considered humorous. I remember a lady friend of mine whistling at a bunch of sailors and it was quite acceptable and funny.

c.       In my opinion I really don’t think that judge anyone on this, as we are all human and have all been born with the key flaw that makes us human beings, and that is SIN!!

2.       Reputations:

a.       Men:

                                                                                                   i.      Now if a man has a “reputation” with the ladies, this may be considered a “good thing” in many circles. He is often referred to as a “ladies man”, a “stud”, a “manly man”, a “lady killer” One of the negative aspects of this however is that he may also be considered “a whoremonger” or “a horndog” among many other terms.

                                                                                                 ii.      Conversely, if the man for whatever reason is not “that good” with the ladies, he may often become the subject of ridicule. His masculinity may be questioned, his sexuality may come into question or perhaps his past experiences may be the talk of the town and becomes fodder for much gossip. Many a time though, this type of man has high moral standards and he won’t budge from them, or it could be that he is shy for whatever reason, perhaps he had a very bad experience with a woman that he was in a relationship with and now has the attitude that “all women are evil” (I had this attitude for quite a while). Doesn’t anyone ever think that the man in this scenario is really trying to be a decent man?

b.       Women:

                                                                                                   i.      If a woman has a “reputation”, she may the object of ridicule and scorn, called all sorts of names like: “slut”, “whore” and other names may come to mind. She may also be the subject of much unwanted attention from some less than savory men. Many times in reality this woman is just someone who just has a healthy appetite for sex and her sexuality and in reality is someone who despite the fact that she has had many relationships and for whatever reason they were unsuccessful. Yet we are often judgmental of this woman for all the wrong reasons. Or we men may assume that she is an “easy piece of ass”. Oftentimes the reason behind her behavior is that she was the victim of sexual abuse in her formative years and needless to say she became sexualized at an early age and subsequently does not know any better.

                                                                                                 ii.      Conversely, if the woman who does not have a “reputation”, she is often highly admired and respected. She is considered to be pure and to be in possession of high moral values. Or she may have been victimized at one time in her life and now struggles with intimacy and the related issues that come with it.  In other circles, she may also become the subject of ridicule, for example; “she’s a lesbian”, “she’s frigid”, “she can’t keep a man” and the list goes on ad nauseam.

3.       Roles within the relationship;

a.       For the man;

                                                                                                   i.      He is expected to be a good provider and protector and this is a valid expectation.

                                                                                                 ii.      In many cultures and societies he is the head of the house.

1.        The upside to the above two statements is that the family as a general rule benefits greatly from his role as long as he does not abuse his role, sadly there are those who do and it sheds all men in a very poor light.

2.       Conversely there is also the situation where the man has for many years done a superb job in providing for his family and in treating his family members with much kindness and sadly the other family members look upon this man as being both a “sugar daddy” and they also mistake his kindness for weakness and they begin to take him for granted and give him nowhere near the amount of respect that he is entitled to be given based upon his role within the family unit and the responsibilities that he feels he must bear. Subsequently when the stress of this situation gets to be too much to bear for the man he may react in many ways;

a.       He may suddenly just get up and leave, perhaps never to return. (I left on a few occasions because I became so angry that I was afraid of what I might do or say, yet I would return time after time until finally I was pushed out for good)

b.       He may snap, perhaps even to the point of violent behavior even where there has never been a history of violent behavior in the past. (I too have been guilty of this, though to my credit I never beat my wife or her kids, I just got nasty verbally and I broke a few material objects; dishes and the like, this is something that I am not too proud of)

c.       He may withdraw emotionally and financially when he believes that the only reason and purpose that he is accepted there is to be the jackass to pay the bills and when he finally puts his foot down is often perceived as that he has gone from being all that is good and right in this world to being the most evil and abusive thing that has ever been unleashed upon the face of humanity. (I got to this point out of sheer frustration because I felt that I was being used and many friends who had observed the situation firsthand reassured me that I was in fact being used)

d.       In this situation all that he wants to do is to regain his sense of self-respect and dignity. He greatly wants to see his manhood restored. He wants to restore order to his home but yet he is perceived as being a power mad ogre. (Here too I was trying to work things through and yet I was made out to be a monster and it was done so well that even I believed that I was a monster and I hated myself for the longest time. Luckily a couple of very dear friends of mine of the female persuasion helped me to realize that I was in fact not such a monster after all and for that I am so eternally grateful to the ladies who I chose to keep their identities a secret)

                                                                                               iii.      There are also those occasions that for whatever reason the man remains in the home as a “stay at home father” and takes on the role of “Mr. Mom” I have got to give those guys credit, my domestic skills only go so far as there are some things that I am just plain lousy and lazy (yes I said lazy) at doing.

1.        Sometimes this is done not so much out of choice as it is out of necessity due to health issues or a disability, differences in education levels, the availability of suitable employment for the man with the skill sets that he has.

2.       In some cases the man may be better suited for the domestic stuff than the woman is. That is just the way it happens sometimes.

3.       Yet these are the guys who are sometimes the object of ridicule and gossip.

b.       For the woman:

                                                                                                   i.      She too bears many burdens and responsibilities;

1.        She is the one who bears the children if she so desires to have children.

a.       Let’s face it, childbirth is probably the most joyous and painful event that a woman will experience at the same time. Think about it, she is passing an object which in this case is a newborn child that is perhaps 1,000 times larger than the orifice the child is expected to go through.

b.       Add to that the labor and the associated pains that go with it prior to the actual birth of the child and if it is an especially long labor it can be very exhausting.

c.       Last but not least, there is the nine months of pregnancy that she must go through before the child comes into this world. Consider all the changes that her body must go through during those nine months, the changes in hormones, the mood swings, the weight gained and then add to that the risks associated if it is a high risk pregnancy or if there are complications which in some cases can be fatal for the mother and/or the child.

2.       Generally she is the one who is expected to provide the bulk of the nurturing to the children.

3.       Add to that if she so chooses not to be a stay at home mom and decides to pursue a career she;

a.       Is either highly admired or looked down upon by others for the choices that she made.

b.       She has to juggle the demands of home and her career. I truly admire and respect the women who manage that. Most of the time they do it out of necessity, either two incomes are needed to survive or to get ahead or the woman in question is a single mom or for whatever reason the husband does not work outside of the home.

In my humble opinion I think that I have only begun to scratch the surface where all of this is concerned. Hopefully in further installments I will be able to share more of my observations.

During the course of composing this entry my original intended goal was to share a light-hearted and humorous look at the interpersonal dynamics of male and female interactions and relationships from my own perspective as a man, somewhere along the line it has also taken a somewhat serious tone at times which I certainly did not expect it to take and so now I am just rolling with the flow and going wherever the spirit of this leads me and also to get a little bit “religious” here, there is a “Power Greater than Myself” that is coming into play here and I am not about to ignore that because when I do it comes back to bite me in the backside when I least expect it.