I am going out of my mind... things that are just within my grasp yet, so very far away. Goals that should be reachable seem to never be accomplished. People that are there in the good times yet nowhere to be found when you are lost.
It is like I have everything... but it is all damaged or defective... car... house... school... job... friends (not all of them so the 2 that I know on here... not you.) .. men...
I am good at everything and nothing... computers... school... working... motherhood...
It is weird how one day you are content in life and the next day you realize how little you have to be happy for... I know... I know... I have people that love me and a beautiful son... that is great... and true... I do, but look at where I live... where I am making my son live...
Now I look back (really always have but it is stronger today) and wish I was back at Jester's... though I don't know why... I used to miss it because of all of my friends... I think it was the guys... always hugging me and acting like they were my best friend... were they? hell I dunno... didn't matter then, doesn't matter now... the fame... everyone knew me there... there I was somebody important... the control... man... if someone rubbed me the wrong way and I took them down socialy everyone followed my lead... why? ... I don't know... I wasn't a nice person back then, and now I am too nice... where is the happy medium? ... someone once told me that my way of interacting with people that did me wrong was "I swear, you shit on me six or seven more times... that is it"...
Irony... my biggest flaw? Wanting everyone to be happy and feeling like I was responsible for fixing everything... (followed closely by a lack of follow through) Who knew that wanting people to be happy would be a flaw... trust me... it is...
I am 27 now... had a great time at my party... then why have I been crying ever since?... jealousy? a disappointment that it ended? embarrasment for my actions? anger at the people that were there? anger at the people that weren't there? I don't know. Realization of wasted years.
well, I think that has gone on long enough and trust me that is a small fraction of what is in my head.
thank you for your time... and a small note to let you take home with ya (props to anyone that can tell me where it is from)
I don't mean to get ya thinkin' about
Things that's gonna get ya down and out
There just things I had to get up off my chest
Cause I'm trying to relax and just do my best
I don't wanna take a situation, and turn it upside down
I just feel this world's fuckin' around
I mean, who am I to judge?
I just, I was raised to be strong enough
