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What are you waiting for?
That the ones that hurt, never speak.
(I'm breaking this up because no one would read any of it if it were two miles long.)
I occasionally post some of things in my life that stress me out... I never really get much in the way of response or they turn into empty promises. But like I said in "einz" it's too much for me and no one has time for me. I take that back. One person did, I happened to be at my father's crying. And my phone had died.
I've seen a lot of shit come and go in my short 26 years... a lot. A lot more than most see in their lives.
I have been abused in every way imaginable from just about any person you could think of that could.
I have seen death. In the droves.
I have been shoved down, kicked and then maimed mentally, physically, verbally and psychologically. I have been mind fucked and mind bended.
I have been lied to, made to lie, seen someones lies.
I have been made to be silent. And made to scream.
I had to deal with watching the one person that I believed that could protect me, and the only person I've ever felt safe with become crippled and weak.
I have ... stood by. Always waiting. Always hoping. That one day it will be my turn to know what it's like to live instead of exist.
I've lost it all. Fought for nothing and gained little just to have it all be taken from me all over again.
But here I stand. A testament that I am alive. I made it. So far.
It's getting hard. Even harder next week.
I'm about to be evicted. Most of my utilities will be shut off within the week.
I have not one... but two jobs. Neither will let me work. In my job... I watch people die. Slowly. As devastating as that may sound at least I get the gratification that I know I made it less painful for them as they died.
We lost all of our patients in a 6 week stint. We have yet to take on any new clients. It's been 8 weeks since I worked anywhere near 40 hours. It's been 3 with no hours.
I applied for assistance on September 1st. I won't even get an appointment until the 23rd. Why? Because I had 200 dollars in my bank account. 200 dollars to pay my bills, put gas in my car, and take care of Aria and myself. 200 dollars.
I now have $3.23 to my name. That's only because Mike gave me 10 bucks so my account wouldn't over draw.
I applied for unemployment the same day. I was denied.
The prevention programs have to ensure I can pay next months bills so they won't pay my rent.
My dad said I could move in with him.
The state of Ohio says children over 3 must have their own bedrooms. I won't have a room. I'll have a couch.
These are also the problems I face having to move to the only place we can go:
-Buster... He will make my life a living hell. He finds this out and I will be going back to court I'm sure. I'll be an unstable unfit mother.
-I will be pulling my daughter out of the only school she knows and away from the only friends she has and thrusting her into an entirely different situation.
-I can't stay there forever and there's no jobs there, so just catching up would be difficult.
-I will be 90 minutes away from everyone I know but my parents.
-There's a good likelihood I lose the funding paying for my schooling.... thus. I will not finish.
Major Issue numeral DOS!
My car is about 2 weeks from dying. I have no working seatbelt.
my back 2 windows are held in place with shims. they fall down without notice.. if they do and it's raining... my daughter is drenched. Has anyone noticed it's getting cold....?
There you have it. That's my week in a nutshell.
On top of my father's mounting heart issues, my possible future ankle surgery, pink eye, strep throat, and a lung infection.
I know you're sorry.... I know it sucks.... I know you wish you could help....
But if you're actually one of the like 3 that actually CAN.... now is the time.
There's really nothing left for me to say anymore.... this is what I deal with.... all the time on top of my mommy/daddy duties, my jobs when I have hours and my school work.
My cousin said I need a miracle.
I do.
