Starting to pick up the pieces, of what used to resemble my life. You live one way your entire life. Trying to act like a hardass, that nothing bothers you, scares you, or can get to you. Body with scars of cigg. burns and car lighters, the smell of alcohol lingering almost permently in a haze around me, since as long as I can remember. My MOther eventually left my abusive father. She met a 26 year old college boy, and basically moved into his campus apartment. She would stop by every week or so and made sure we had food. My older brother and sister went crazy. Partys at the house everynight, drugs and sex everywhere. I would take my little brother to attic and stay the night up there to stay safe and away from the addicts. As soon as I could, I left, and took my little brother with me. At 15 I worked, went to school, Had my own apartment. Raising an 11 year old boy, trying to teach him right from wrong. At 15 I wasn't even sure what was right. We got along with out help from anyone or any agency. The night of my 18th birthday party, I met him. At that point in my life, he seemed almost godlike. Tall, strong, rich, made me laugh. From that night we were inseperable. Exactly 1 year later, he asked me to marry him, I said yes. He moved my brother and I into a Condo nicer than we had ever seen. 4 months later i was married. At this point it seemed almost Fairytale like, waiting to be pinched. I quickly got pregnant with my now 4 year old daughter. He completely changed. He became over bearingly possesive. I had to stop talking to almost everyone in my life. No family, and just a handful of friends. But I thought "Oh well, life changes, I have money, everything will be okay." Still just 20 years old, I was extremley naive about what love really was. Another year rolls by, Another baby. Life was pretty much hell still, he held the coin bag, so he had the power. If I left, I would have nothing. No home for my children, no food to feed them, No real family to run home to and get help, I stayed. Once again another year rolls on.....I once again got Pregnant. One of the friends that I was allowed to talk to still called me one day out of the blue. It was my Best Girl Friend Katie. We have been buds since 7th grade, we talk about everything. She says "almost the entire pregnancy with Kharmen (2nd daughter), I was sleeping with your husband. I just wanted to tell you so it doesn't happen again." She thought she wrecked my life. Still to this day I thank her, yet don't speak to her, can't trust her. Once I heard that, I started to cry. Not because I was sad, or angry, or hurt. But because I was happy. I thought back to 2 weeks before we got married, and the Pre-nup I had to sign. There was a clause that basically read-You cheat you lose. He had no Idea what was going on, and I got a lawyer behind his back. I could go into the whole battle, but to many wasted words. The out come....I won, half his estate....And this is where I stand. Teetering on the brink of an ENORMOUS world. SO full of possibilty, potential, filled with a wonder lust, to finally get out of this shell that I have carried around my whole life. There are certian people of course that have 300 Ideas as to what I should do with the money, where to invest, what to buy them. People that I haven't spoken to in 10 years, come crawling out of the wood work, looking for a hand out. What to do? I have been there before, more rock bottom than most ever face. Do I help everyone I know who is facing hard times? Do I keep all the money with a big fuck you to everyone because my life was hard? How to tell when to stop, when too much is too much? Do I leave everyone and everything that I have EVER known, to move off somewhere where I "think" will make me happy? How can I tell if anyone who enters my life from here on out, cares about me or my money? So many questions, so few people reading, and who Honestly has the answers? As the great Pink Floyd says...."We're just two lost souls swiming in a fish bowl, year after year" If you read this whole Blog entry Bless your damn heart, I did not write this for sympathies, quietly mummbled "poor little rich girls", or to brag as I am sure someone will say. I have poured my heart and soul into this, more for me than for anyone else. This is the first time I have ever written anything down about my life. It is somewhat soothing, to put it all out there. So remember this is a little secret, from me to you. If you would like to say something about it, let me know.
