Wolf's blog: "Introspection"

Starting Friday I should be back on line per my regular schedule. Sorry have been abscent.

I swear I am not ignoring anyone. For the next couple of weeks I will only be able to pop in and out from time to time. Sorry.

Here's the deal. Are you ready for the deal? A couple months ago I wrote a short story. I was going to post it chapter by chapter in a blog. The deal is the it's something very close to me and it kind of has a hidden meaning. Almost like a section of my life I fictionalized. So, I am only gong to post it if there seems to be some interest in it. If you want me to post it leave a comment and I will. Lee O. Easter, III

I have learned many lessons in my life. It seems as if those lessons where hard earned. Some of those lessons were self-taught by the countless mistakes I have made through my life. Some lessons were taught by those who loved me and guided me. Some lessons were even imparted on me by those who would have just as soon seen me destroyed in one way or another. To all of this I am grateful. I have learned that depression is when the heart hurts but despair is when the soul hurts. I have learned that nothing stays bad forever, things get better or they pass. I have learned that you cannot worry about the things you cannot change and you do not need to worry about the things you can. I have learned that you do not have to let things happen to you but you can make things happen. I have learned that a person is not who they say they are but who they show they are. I have learned all of this and more and I am thankful. I am most thankful for all the people that are in my life and the ones that have brushed by it. They have all left their mark. The ones that hurt me and left me in the pit of despair and the ones that were there to try to lift me up. The ones that have forgiven me and the ones that feel I have wronged them so much that they will be angry with me for eternity. All of these people have shaped me into the person I have become. For good or ill I am who I am, I do not think I would rather be anyone else. I have learned, and taken a little, from every relationship I have encountered. I have learned from friends, family, passionate loves, failed relationships and even enemies. I appreciate them all. There is no time for hate. I do not regret the things I have done or said. The mistakes I have made I have learned from. I regret the mistakes I did not make. I regret the things never tried and the words never spoken. I regret the times I have never told a person I love them because I feared rejection and the fact that my silence probably seemed like I was rejecting them. I regret all the times I chewed on my emotions and swallowed them never letting a soul know they were there. So many things I could have accomplished and so much happiness that was missed, all because of fear. To do it over again I would speak more and do more. I would let my actions and words catch up with my thoughts. At least there is time. It has been a long journey of self-discovery for me and the journey is not yet over. I dare say it has just begun. I hope your journey also continues and amazes you along the way. May you learn form your mistakes and may the wind stay at your back. Lee O. Easter, III

I learned a long time ago the difference between sadness and despair. Sadness is when the heart hurts and despair is when the soul hurts. I also learned that when a soul is in the pit of despair it is very important to have a release. One of the best forms of release is in words. Even when you do not utter your words into another’s ears, it is still very important to have them. It is important to write them down, to read them, to reread them, and to absorb what it is they mean to you. Only in such a way can we clear our mind and go on from where we are now to where we want to be. For centuries man has done this through poetry and philosophy. In this day and age we have lost our poets and philosophers. We have people that call themselves by those monikers but they are not being true to themselves. Poetry and philosophy should be for those that are doing the thinking, but we’ve turned commercial and only write and think what we assume others want to hear. There was a time when everyone was a poet, a time when every person was a philosopher, but we have lost that to mass media. We do not think for ourselves any longer, but rather we follow the popular mass like cattle. We assume that since the herd is traveling one direction then that is the proper path for us. That herd mentality is what has taken the greater hand in causing the fear and hate in the world. Because of the train of thought that leads us to try to fit into the mass populous we are more prone to notice those things that are different, and we fear what is different. Fear leads to hate. That fear and hate have created every prejudice that we should fight against: racism, sexism, homophobia, and wars over ideology. What’s worse is that this same herd mentality also attacks within. It makes us question everything about ourselves. It infects us with a fear that we may not fit into the herd. We become ashamed or embarrassed by ourselves. We question our own ideas, we despise our appearance, and we shun our dreams, all in the effort to conform into the herd, which we ourselves cannot stand. Our ideas may cause us to stand out, our appearance may point out that we are different, our dreams my guide us outside of the confines of the herd, but all of this is what makes us who we are. Our individuality is what makes us strong, and if experienced for what it is it also is what brings us together. With the fear that others are different added to the fear that others may see through our façade to see that wee are truly different we separate ourselves from one another. We gather in groups and talk about what we think everyone else wants to talk about, and the silence is deafening. My ideas may not be your ideas, my direction may confuse you, but it gives us something to talk about and makes for an interesting conversation. The most important thing in life is to know who you are. By opening honest communication with others and the sharing of ideas one can truly find out about oneself. A person can also find out about themselves simply by writing down their thoughts and ideas for no other purpose than to read them to themselves. Either way it helps to form the ideas and helps your figure out what those ideas mean to you. You cannot expect anyone else to understand you if you do not first truly understand yourself. Only when we learn to be poets and philosophers again can we expect people to treat us how we would like to be treated, because only then will we treat them in kind, and only then will we truly know who we are. There is nothing wrong with losing yourself in your own mind from time to time and thinking for yourself. There is no shame in running outside of the herd. Lee O. Easter, III

Play me a song that is both sad and slow. Make it beautiful and deep so that it touches the heart of all that hear it. Play me a song that tells my story. Play my sad song so when I cry I am not alone in my sorrow. Let the strings play the wailing of my heart and the winds play the falling of my tears. Let the notes draw slowly so as to tug the souls out of the listener so they can feel what I feel now. Do not make me cry alone, for the world will not smile with me because I cannot smile. If you have ever cared for me play my song so that my tears will not be singled out. Play my song so that the crowds cannot see me through the welling of their own tears and the blurring of their eyes. Let it be simple and mournful. Let it speak to the dark corners of the soul that we all try to keep hidden. Let it tear down the walls that we have all spent a lifetime building. Let it beat down the door of every heart that is screaming to get out of the confines of the protection we give it. Let it melt the most hardened of us. Let there be no mistake in the understanding of the feeling. Let it tell my story in the words I cannot say. Let it speak of walls that fell like those of Jericho, not by onslaught of boulders and arrows, but by the weapon of a note. Let that note ring and tear down all of the walls that protect us from harm but prevent us from that which we most desire. Play me a song that comes from the recesses of deepest place in the human heart. Play me a song that will not only burn in the minds memory but in the hearts memory as well. Play me a song that lets those that feel so much it hurts know that they are not alone. Play me a song that says it is acceptable to lose ones heart and freely give up a part of ones self. Let your fingers touch the keys as lightly and with meaning as your presence touched my heart. Let it start happy, as a surprise. Then let it draw into a melancholy. Let it speak of confusion. Let it fill the heart with joy and sadness like a whirlwind of emotion. Let it be so sad as to hurt the very being of the listener, but let it be so beautiful that one cannot pull themselves away from it for fear that they may never hear it again. Let it be so haunting that one must realize that there is not an elixir strong enough to anesthetize their mind to it. Play me a song, and when it ends let it be as abrupt as when it started. Play me a song that everyone who hears it will want to hear it again when it is over because they did not wish it to end. When you play that song think of me. Play me a song. Lee O. Easter, III

Play me a song that is both sad and slow. Make it beautiful and deep so that it touches the heart of all that hear it. Play me a song that tells my story. Play my sad song so when I cry I am not alone in my sorrow. Let the strings play the wailing of my heart and the winds play the falling of my tears. Let the notes draw slowly so as to tug the souls out of the listener so they can feel what I feel now. Do not make me cry alone, for the world will not smile with me because I cannot smile. If you have ever cared for me play my song so that my tears will not be singled out. Play my song so that the crowds cannot see me through the welling of their own tears and the blurring of their eyes. Let it be simple and mournful. Let it speak to the dark corners of the soul that we all try to keep hidden. Let it tear down the walls that we have all spent a lifetime building. Let it beat down the door of every heart that is screaming to get out of the confines of the protection we give it. Let it melt the most hardened of us. Let there be no mistake in the understanding of the feeling. Let it tell my story in the words I cannot say. Let it speak of walls that fell like those of Jericho, not by onslaught of boulders and arrows, but by the weapon of a note. Let that note ring and tear down all of the walls that protect us from harm but prevent us from that which we most desire. Play me a song that comes from the recesses of deepest place in the human heart. Play me a song that will not only burn in the minds memory but in the hearts memory as well. Play me a song that lets those that feel so much it hurts know that they are not alone. Play me a song that says it is acceptable to lose ones heart and freely give up a part of ones self. Let your fingers touch the keys as lightly and with meaning as your presence touched my heart. Let it start happy, as a surprise. Then let it draw into a melancholy. Let it speak of confusion. Let it fill the heart with joy and sadness like a whirlwind of emotion. Let it be so sad as to hurt the very being of the listener, but let it be so beautiful that one cannot pull themselves away from it for fear that they may never hear it again. Let it be so haunting that one must realize that there is not an elixir strong enough to anesthetize their mind to it. Play me a song, and when it ends let it be as abrupt as when it started. Play me a song that everyone who hears it will want to hear it again when it is over because they did not wish it to end. When you play that song think of me. Play me a song. Lee O. Easter, III

Here's the thing. Are you ready for the thing? My son, DeMarcus, lives about 45 minutes south of Tucson. He will be 13 on December 30th. (Trivial information but needed to understand the following conversation.) My son was with me for the four day weekend and because he was in trouble (long story, he is his father's son)he had nothing to do but talk to me. DeMarcus: Dad, how do you know if someone is beautiful or not? Me: Well, it's really up to you and what you like. DeMarcus: What do you like? Me: I like a girl who smiles. Life is too short not to enjoy life and I like to enjoy it with those that know how. A woman can be the most beautiful woman on the planet but if she can't smile she's not attractive. DeMarcus: What's the difference between beautiful and attractive? Me: Beauty is a personal ideal. Attraction has to fit that outline and the subtle gray areas. DeMarcus: Whatever. Then what's sexy. Me: Sexy is not a look it is an attitude. DeMarcus: What? Me: You can be attracted to a woman you think is beautiful but if she doesn't hold herself with confidence she still might not be sexy. What's with all the questions? DeMarcus: I like this girl but my friends make fun of her. Me: Why? DeMarcus: They say she's ugly. Me: Do you think she's ugly? DeMarcus: No. Me: Do you like spending time with her? DeMarcus: Yes. Me: Do you want your friends to date her? DeMarcus: That's dumb. Me: Then don't worry about what your friends think. You you like her and you think she's beautiful. The only thing that should matter to you is what you think and what she thinks. That is the conversation and it's true. The wonderful things about sites like these is that it gives people the opportunity to be who they are with a cerain level of emotional safety. It allows people to express themselves and find others who share in the same expressionas and opinions from politics to beauty. Be who you want to be and like who and what you like and don't make apologies for either.

Here goes. This is not funny or sexy as most people seem to write. This is more of an answer to a question that has been asked internally. I've read that some people wonder if this site is more about porn or finding friendship. To me the answer is neither and both. The short explanation is that this site and all sites like it are more about finding a connection. Now here is the long answer. We have created a society of isolation where people can still feel lonely in a crowded room. We are pushed and urged to conform to "the norm" otherwise be labled as deviant. We supress orselves in order to fit it and not cause controversy. We lack outlet and because we can not connect with ourselves we can not connect with those around us. In this mediem we are allowed not only to express ourselves we are enabled to connect with others who veiw things in the same way. We are not put into situations that may embarass or shame us. I have more thoughts but they will wait. Sorry to bore.