Brenna's blog: "Into the jaded world of a character named Brenna and the woman that lives behind her, Nevada"

May 26, 2007 my little girl had walked across the stage that welcomed her into what is now truly considered adulthood. She's no longer a child in high school. She's graduated. Its been such an incredible experience to be her mother. Not that my job is anywhere near over, I'll always be mom.. but I don't think anyone will ever truly grasp just how much I have been blessed. My amazing, blonde blue-eyed lil girl is no longer a lil girl. BUT.. BUT, she'll ALWAYS ALWAYS be a mommy's girl. I've watched this exquisite creature grow from just a happy baby into a beautiful, funny, gifted, completely out of control and yet so disciplined young woman. And believe you me, she has no qualms with telling anyone just how great and amazing she is. She knows. I've cried a thousands tears today. From the moment I sat behind her to straighten hair and thought, "Wow.. its the last time I'll have to wake up at 5am to hot iron this kids hair before school." Then again when I had to get out of the truck and zip up her graduation robe before she had to be in the school and I thought, "I won't see her again for a couple hours. How's it going to be when I don't see her for a couple of days." As she made the processional walk to her seat and family and friends are all around us screaming, my hands were shaking as I tearily tried to take pictures. She came out of the arena and everyone hugged her then they all moved back so we could have our moment and I didn't shed a single tear. It was done. Though as her dad and I drove to the restaurant alone, I sat reading her diploma and broke down once more. My baby girl has truly graduated and I couldn't be more proud of her than I am at this very moment. Not because of what she has done, but because she did it and was an inspiration to those that worked with her every single day. Because she stopped to smell the roses along the way. Because she remembered where she'd been and knows where she is going.

Its been thirteen years of school and to date, seventeen years of tears, laughter, runny noses, chicken pox, and sighing. She dons her cap and gown tomorrow for a walk down the aisle at baccalaureate and again next week for that final crossing the stage and pulling the tassel over to the right side of her cap. Declaring her a graduate. When I first found myself pregnant with her, I swore up and down I didn't want to have another baby. Her sister was only fifteen months old and she was sick and had to go through surgery, but for me.. for my family, we don't believe in abortion and theres just no way I could bring a baby into this world and give them away.. so here she came. Kicking and screaming her way into my world, taking over our lives with a such a humorous persona. She's the middle the child. The one that has the ability to make life heaven or hell and without much effort at all. At the worst of times she can make me burst into hysterical laughter. She has an amazing sense of humor and she's always there to pick things up or throw it down. Headstrong. Gifted. Intelligent. Knowing exactly where she's headed and how she's going to get there. How have I ever managed to raise two girls so much like night and day and yet so tremendously amazing, I'll never know. I don't even need an answer to it either, its not truly questionable. While her sister is an amazing mother to a gorgeous two month old boy and her life is mirroring my own, I am proud. This child will set out to make a different tread upon the path before her. College bound. Teaching those coming up and I have faith she'll be as amazing as she always has been. I hope.. its early still, but I hope her brother follows in her footsteps with JROTC and that he too will shine in his own way. My cup runneth over.

I don't believe its often that a girl will come across a Man that just is the absolute right One for her. When it happens, it isn't always an immediate attachment. So, as I write these words down, they are in reference to whom I lovingly call my Demon. I think when the right One comes along, you just know without question and it won't be with finding a material object around your throat, but the whisper of His breath around your soul. It took along time before having a collar virtually placed upon me, but it is a bond that transcends space and time for me. Those intricately inked lines that bind its way around my neck hundreds of times, ending with twin barbed tails to hold the metal tag at the hollow of throat. That tag bears a simple sign of His initial in the steel. It was to be something that would never come and only once has it been tested. I'm quite enamored with words and we met on a text-based roleplaying game so many years ago. We've known the ins and outs of one another for so long its almost as if He could finish my sentences before I ever utter a sound at times. I've known the Demon since my first journey of submission and He watched quietly from the shadows. Always there to pick me up when the fool made me cry. Never pushing for more than just what He was to me and when it was over, He quietly pieced me back together and waited till I fell where I had always belonged. Am I lucky? You'd better believe I am and I know it. But..I could tell you dozens of stories of how I fought Him. How I would come and go as I pleased and He'd just wait. But the story falls to one point. I belong to Him. I always have. I've loved and hated Him for what He could do to me with just a look. I've clawed at Him with the want to rip Him apart for being everything I needed and wanted and not being able to see it. He's darkness and light. Evil and good. Wicked and tame. And what I am not, He is. Someone said it best, we fit like two spoons. Sometimes cold as ice and sometimes on fire. His whispered breath weaved its hold around my heart years ago. It wavered once in all that time, slipping to a strong gust of wind, but still it has managed to hang on, coaxing, soothing the tempestous breeze that brews just under the surface of the girl

its been years since i was around babies. my own children so far from being little now, but we just don't have any family with babies either. or friends that are close by. i'm growing more and more concerned with Squirt's development. he's not yet two months old, but he still has those involuntary jerky newborn movements. the lack of control over his arms and its starting to bother me. make me worry that something is wrong. brings tears to my eyes to sit down and write about it. i've yet to say anything to my daughter about it. but its there. he holds eye contact well with most of us. actively coos and smiles when he's spoken to. its just the arm movement. he makes steady progress in holding his head up, but he's been doing that since the day he was born too. only now he can hold it up for longer periods. am i just being overly protective of my grandson and fearing too much?

Its been quite some time since I posted anything here. Alot has been happening in my world. So to give a quick update to all my Cherry pals and family, here goes: Kattie had a gorgeous baby boy on March 6th at 4:11am. Nicholas Craig weighed in at 6lbs 3oz and 19 1/2 inches long. He is almost 2 months old now and such an amazing joy to our family. And if for some reason you have forgotten, Kattie is my oldest child of three. Kellie will be graduating from high school on May 26th of this year. She's a Senior Leader. The Delta Dogs Company Commander. The Female Armed AND Unarmed Drill Team Commander. A two-time LightHouse Award Winner. The all-time number One Drill Team Commander in her region. I could go on and on. Aaron is.. well Aaron. He will be in the 8th grade. Tall, lanky. Annoying. Intelligent. Annoying. Funny. Annoying. Haha.. you get the picture, but then what can one expect from a 13 year old boy? He's a good kid. Haven't done alot awhole lot this year. I'll be working soon and going to Chicago to chill out and road trip with my best friend Tacita in August. Last year was whacked and not all in good ways. But such is life. We live. We learn. We keep on playin the hand thats dealt. Right? Right. Okay, its your turn now. Tell me all about it! Even the boring stuff. ;p

I haven't been commenting lately and I'm sorry. I know I owe quite a few of you some thank yous and what not, just please bear with me while I struggle to get my act together again. To the handful that care, I appreciate you very much and thank you for being there for me.

get over the loss of another? I don't really think so. I think in time we forget to think about that person on a daily basis and if like me, when I remember then I feel a pang of guilt. As if I have dishonored their memory, their life, their meaning in my world. My daddy was one of the greatest men I know. My mother was/is a relative psycho. She never wanted me from the moment of birth. Her idea was that if I was a boy then my father would have stayed with her and since I was not, she made a deal with him that when I was 2, she would let him have me. The exchange was made when I turned 2 years old. Some may think I am fooling when I can recall that day. I can. Its like a dream, but I remember my daddy backing my g'pas old green ford up to the front door and loading in all of my belongings. I remember being patted on the head as I was put in the cab of the truck and I remember looking up at my daddy and him smiling down on me. Some things so detrimental to ones existance is just not forgotten. My life was never the same. I won't/can't go into details now about things, for sharing just does not come all that easy at times, but on Novemeber 2, 1987, my Daddy left me. He has been at peace for years. The day he died, my little sister-out-law celebrated her first birthday. For years I would not even acknowledge the celebration. It hurt so bad. I would hide in the bedroom and spend the day in tears because I couldn't justify losing my daddy and having a party. .. maybe more later. I don't know.. maybe not. maybe i just needed to get this out. Actually.. when someone dies, everyone i know makes this life long committment that we will remember this person every moment of everyday. that nothing of our lives will ever happen without thinking of this person and so it hit me that i broke the vow. that as hard as i try right this moment i cannot conjure up a memory of my daddy's face. thats what hurts the most.

Friday night football in Texas is not like any other state in the US and believe me, I have been to alot of football games all over. Its Kellie's Senior year.. all the excitement and rush has always been exhilerating.. but this is the final game known as Homecoming. And as usual, MHS goes and loses the Homecoming game. In the final quarter with less than 2 minutes to the end of the game and wham.. its gone. 20 to 17. Sheesh! They played a great game. Just dammit.. we are supposed to win this one of ALL games.. and we let the Longview Lobos kick our butts! Oh well.. My baby girl. Kellie Marissa.. the shining light. The character. The funny one. The middle child. How can I express the joy, love and pride that wells up in me when I look at her? I got her proofs back from the yearbook photo shoot yesterday and I wanted to cry. My gosh, how did I create such a beautiful girl? Blonde, blue eyed.. amazing creature. Intelligent. Goal-oriented. She knows exactly where she wants to be and how she is going to get there. I could not have raised a more well rounded child again. In just a few short months her time will end and her cocoon will open, wings will spread and she'll be gone. She'll walk across the stage with honors. She'll make her mark on society in a grand way. She'll enter college and make something of herself before she ever heads off for bootcamp in the United States Army. My daughter. Everything I wanted to be, she is. Everything of me, she has taken a piece of and bettered it. Look out world.. she's coming.

.. sick. I cannot take a breath of air without wheezing. I am coughing like crazy and its just getting to be too much. 'D' tells me to stop acting like a child and take myself back to the hospital. I can't help it. I am afraid. I don't know how to make other people understand why going is such a fear. I wish I could just blurt it out and I know I could, but I won't. It is extremely difficult just lay there and let them poke needle after needle in. To let them run test after test and not truly find out what is causing this degradation in the right to breathe like a normal person. Heh.. now how's that for a first blog? and its all about the woman that runs 'Brenna' Oh well..