So yeah my ex bofriend hurt me a lot. I had cried my eyes out monday night and didnt get much sleep. But then again I had started realizing something out of all this. I found out that the dude wasn't as innocent as I thought he was. It turns out hes abusive, and not only that but she has had issues as well because she hates her self just like me. Shes been molested and raped as a kid and then she was raped as she got older by others. It made me realize the reason why she started cheating. Its normal for victims to act out sexually and not only that but he wasn't at all helpful to her. Even though I am angry and upset about what he did, It just seems like talking to her made me understand the situation better. I even gave them tips and advice on how to improve their marriage. I first suggested counseling for the both of him because he needs to work on anger management. I think his anger and abuse stands from the loss of power he feels while growing up in a divorced family. There could be issues there that arent resolved. And she needs to start loving herself. When I realized she hated herself I realized what I needed to do to get myself better. In order for me to stop hating myself I have to start getting to know my self and accept myself, and also love my own self. Then I realized that the reason why I gave them advice is because I do have a big heart and that I am understanding. Thats the first thing I learned about myself and it makes me feel good because It just says that even though I am suffering, I will still go the extra mile to try and help someone else. That is a good trait to have with my feild of work someday, not only that but I realized I would make a good counselor then too. I had always doubted the feild I wanted to go into and scared that I wouldn't make a good counselor but now I know I am not afraid. Not only that but I can apply my new skills I have learned about myself so far to my new jow thats coming up in the summer. Then I felt pride, it was as if I had stopped comparing myself to others. In the way I had self abused myself is I would compare myself to others accomplishments. If they had more accomplishments than me I would be envious and hate myself that I can't get it into gear to handle all that work. But you know what? I have my own abilities that can get me places. Just because I am introverted and can't handle a bunch of things all at once doesnt mean I wont be good at anything, nor does it mean that it limmits me. People are different and its ok to be different from others. Also Another thing that I had realized monday night is yes I do need god. God should be number one in my life instead of men or other materialistic needs. This helped me to realize that god really is there for me. I have seen him looking out for me at malarkies when I went this past weekend to face my fears. I was going to end up having sex that night...I decided to cus I wanted the pain to go away, but you know what god did? He took that away from me. The guy I had wanted to do it with got super sick from being drunk so he just decides to go to bed and In some ways I say Praise the Lord because I know I didn't really want to do it. I knew it is bad for me. He looks out for me in so many ways and it makes me feel loved. That part of me had a revelation with god. I really did realize that I dont need a man in my life to make me happy. In order to be happy I need god to show me the way to being happy with myself and with others. Also right now I really feel my devine purpose is to help others. I will welcome people who need help int my life. Its probably the reason why I started giving advice my ex bf and his wife to help their marriage. I felt they had come into my life for a reason even if I were to suffer for someone elses mistakes, (which I did because I really wanted to be with him), but in the long run god was looking out for me then too because he knew dustins abusive nature. In a month I could have been slaped and hit by him if it were to last. He took him out of my life in order to protect me, and even if I am hurt and upset now, in the long run it was for the best for both me and his wife. He appologized for hurting me and said he made a mistake and that he never meant to hurt me. Well that still doesnt take the rage I feel inside but I pray god does heal that anger. But in the mean time I am going to devuldge into my work and make sure my grades stay up, and to make sure I can get to where I want to go in life and that is where ever god leads me to. My internal revalation isn't just about loveing myself but allowing god to love me and is a more spiritual one. After I had this revolution I did something I realized I had missed doing. I went outside sat somewhere and just looked up into the sky and sang. I haven't sang for myself in 2 years. It made me feel peaceful and that was the second thing I realized about me that I miss. That is singing. I love singing. I don't care if the notes are off key, to god my voice is beautiful anyway. Then I had also sang in the shower later on last night. It felt amazing to finally release that voice I was shutting up inside me. I realized its what I missed the most. I miss going to the park and just singing whatever song that came to my head (mostly old camp songs). I felt so much at peace last night even though I knew I was still hurting from the experiance. It made me feel good to know that I still had refound a part of myself.
