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Written on 02-15-2010

Here i sit at almost 5 in the morning, nothing more than the sound of the computer running is going through the house. I can't help but think of my life, where i've been, where i'm going, and what happens overall. It seems to me that no matter what plan you have or where you think your life is going nothing ever seems to turn out that way. Maybe you saw yourself graduating college, or married, or working your way up the corporate ladder. Whatever the case may be things change, people change, lives alter their course and you can never be prepared for that.


      My life took one of those turns tonight. As it has in the past it cought me off guard mostly. I'm not sure how exactly to deal with this emotionally or even physically for that matter. Thoughts run through my head at tremendous speeds with no set direction or final destination. Everything seems to be mixed up and jumbled and almost unintelligable. I push forward knowing that we're doing the right thing for everyone involved but it doesn't seem to stop the madnees i call thoughts. I find myself wondering why it is that with so much love and so much effort things can fall apart anyway. I've given my all and that wasn't enough, now i have to find the new beginning that comes from every end. I wish for happiness and good forture not only for myself but Natasha as well and i dislike the thought that what we've given to each other was but a stepping stone to those things.

     Over time I know our wounds will heal, i know that we gave our all and we tried harder than i thought possible, and i know that the experiences are not wasted for they have tought us so many things and shown us mistakes we make along with the changes we've made in ourselves for the better. The time has not been wasted. It has been and always will be cherished, held close to our hearts. I remind myself every day that who we are as people stems from the who-what-where-when-and why that we have encountered throughout our lives. Every experience bad and good has some sort of positive effect.

     All these thoughts are random, intangible, and uncontrollable in my head right now. I do not expect them to make any sense to anyone, but hope that they become more than just slightly enlightened but highly cogitated words.

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