Eros's blog: "Insight Into Me"

If you want to take sides. Go ahead.

If we weren't friends independently and only because of the other, delete me

If we were only family because of the other, don't want to be.

If we're still friends because we were anyway, then actually talk to me maybe 

If there's anything you don't want to now see, then move along and stop looking or just delete me. Easy

Just some extended thougts based on something in my about me. This won't be well formatted, or probably make sense, but there will be words.

The point in question - 6. I'm pretty much a reactive person, 9 times out of 10 at least. So if it ever feels like I've stopped talking to you, I don't mean to.

To expand on that, I'm pretty much an introvert. Never had many friends. Never been in to partying, or going to clubs. Never been really that good at socially interacting with my peers. I play football and have the odd drink with my teammates but never feel more than just that, a team mate. Have no confidence in myself or belief that people actually like me anyway.

Now here, I can more... hide that. The nature of the interactions here allow me to be a version of myself I wish I could be in my offline life, and in a way have maybe helped certain aspects of that. That being said, I still suck at talking, at small talk, at bringing up a topic of conversation, at asking questions.

But I will bounce off of people like a mofo, outside of here too. You talk to me and I will babble your ear off about any random crap you decide to talk about with almost no exception. I won't argue, but will debate, I will listen to opinions and not make you feel belittled or stupid because we are who we are and I will never make you feel bad about yourself purposefully. All it takes is a little help to get there.

I guess where I'm going with this, is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry the burden lies upon you all. I'm sorry I can't be the friend I know I can be without help. But I can be that friend, with a little patience, and I will always be here for anyone.

Religion. I just don't get it. Through the whole service, the hymns, readings and whatever bible/priest stuff there was lacked any... personality and just removed me from the situation I was in. The same useless explanations they use no matter what, no matter who the person was in life it's all the same crappy spiel. 

Compared to the speeches from friends and family that actually meant something. The difference is beyond comparison.

Let's see if I can make this at least semi-literate...

Played two games today, one for my team and one as a favour for someone else. I played well, made a lot of good saves in the first game, and scored a goal. And then made a few important saves in the second game, so was quite happy with myself anyway.

Now what felt extra good today was all the little comments I heard or were said to me directly.

All the "good save Lewis", "great save Lewis", "what a goal", "you're wasted in goal". All of that, everyone shaking my hand and thanking me after the second game, telling me how good I played and how much I helped.

I'm not good with things like that, sheepishly saying thanks, or don't worry about it etc. But it felt great

III

I dunno.

I wish I was, I used to be.  Don't know if it's my fault or not but I'm not myself. I've changed.

Not sure if I like myself anymore...

For a change of late, here's a nice story I can put to words.

A teacher at work made the mistake a few months ago of telling us that sometimes she hears colours talk to her ( at the time purple).  Me being me, never forgot this gold nugget of information and hatched a plan. I purchased a card from amazon that allowed voice messages to be recorded. I recorded a message as if the colour purple was talking to her, covered it in purple card and wrote happy holidays to her in purple pen.

She was so happy and impressed after she opened it that it kind of made my week if not month . 

I like doing nice things :)