1819890's blog: "Inside My Mind"

Well here's a quick breif and I'll bring you right into the present. So I've had a lot of bad shit happen lately. Start back in '08 my friend died after an accident on his Harely. He had severe brain damage and wasn't going to make it, he died 10-20-08, the day after his accident. I got the call when I was in my night classes for college. Then as I believe I have posted my dogs death already on here. She was a great dog and she was pretty much my world, she got hit by a car and passed 10-22-08, just two days after my friend Jeremy passed.

July 2009 came around my grandmother had cancer was getting treatment and she ended up not making it either, she passed just a couple weeks before my 20th bday. My grandpa told me at the funeral not to cry because I needed to be strong for the cousin's so I've to this day never cried. If it wasn't for her cosigning for my loans I wouldn't have been able to go to college. She had a big heart she helped me. I seen her almost every single day for two years whether in the morning before I went to fill out applications, or in the evening before I went to my night classes, or even after my night classes to have dinner with them. I seen her more in the last 2 years of her life then anyone in my family. Every time she went to ICU or was hospitalized I was there immediately. She was a great grandmother, she's forever in my heart.

2009 was also not the greatest of years because I became a pill addict. I started off taking pain killers for pain then I was taking them to get fucked up. This went on for 8 months. I went to the hospital and my doctor many times and purposely got perscribed these pills. Along with my own scripts my at the time boyfriend had a script every month for 60 pills. So when I was getting low I would take 4 or 5 pills out of his bottle everytime I opened his bottle and hide them for myself. I was to the point where I was taking 10 to 15 pills. The last day I ever touched pills was in Feb 2010, I had eaten damn near 25 pills that day. Now here I am 4 months later and couldn't be happier, I'm still real skinny and don't look 100% healthy but I feel I'll start getting better in time, or at least I could hope.

May 31st 2010 - I got in a car accident and totaled my first car, I wasn't wearing a seat belt I hit the windshield very hard but had nothing more then a concussion. Here I sit a week and a half later and my head still hurts and sometimes I feel really slow because I forget shit I shouldn't forget, and on a rare occasion I find myself stuttering.

Now here I am thinking things couldn't possibly get any fucking worse, June 9th 2010, I lost my most best friend in this entire world, Tony Ruta. I met Tony back in 2006 almost 4 years ago. We instantly became best friends my senior year of high school, in a class we had together which was graphic arts at the career center. We would slap each other with ink sticks and just fuck with each other all the time. We always laughed always had fun. We wrote each other letters EVERY single day once or twice a day all through school. He was very sick in school, I didn't know why he didn't have any hair and why he always wore a hat, although I've been told it has to do with his immune system not being as strong as it should be. I didn't care I accepted him because he was crazy and out going like me! Towards the end of my senior year he got sick and ended up getting a heart transplant in 2007, when he was only 17. After the transplant he seemed to be better. We hung out as much as we could spent the day before Valentine's Day together for the last two years. He was my very best friend. He ended up in the hospital last summer I wasn't too sure why, but I went immediately. I found out that day that he had been living with Chron's disease. So he not only had an immune disorder, he had a heart transplant and Chron's. Here I thought the worst was over. I spent the day before V-day with him this year 2010 and if I'm not mistaken that may have been the last time I seen him before he was in the hospital. Tony once again this year went to the hospital and this is when I found out that he had cancer in his liver, lungs, and a brain tumor. This broke my heart I went and seen him a few times, I did stay with him once in the hospital, slept next to him in the bed and hated it but did it because he was my best friend and he needed me. That may have been the LAST time I ever seen him. He had always loved me and cared for me more then a friend and myself not feeling the same way found it somewhat overwhelming and heartbreaking to tell my best friend that I couldn't date him. He watched me get hurt time and time again, I was his best friend, but he just felt a little more for me then I did him. A week before he died he told me he was getting sicker, kept trying to get me to come stay with him again, and I just couldn't because I didn't want him to continuously get the wrong idea, which I feel is understandable. He confessed his love to me and I didnt know what to do. Now here I'm sitting pissed off at myself that I didn't go see him more and that I wasn't there for him all the time. I lost my best friend in the entire world, I know with all his pain and suffering he is in a better place. I will forever remember the good, and I will cherish the memories in my heart. Tony I will always love you as my bestest friend in the entire world, I will miss you greatly. We have so many memories together. Just wish you didn't have to go so soon. ~Tony Ruta 12/16/1989 - 06/09/2010~

~*Back before I got in high school which was probably 03 I found my other half and the most perfect dog ever. My grandma breeds dogs and sells them for a living, she had puppies in her kitchen that she was taking to the flea market, down in South Carolina back on 03. I love dogs & puppies so much, so I instantly fell in love with one of them, she was the prettiest black tan and silver color I'd ever seen in all my life, I chose her to be my dog down there that my grandma would keep that I could see every time I went down there. I taught her how to sit by the time she was 8 weeks old, then I left her. My grandma gave her the AKC registered name: Jordan Princess of Hearts, who was born 04-23-03. Half a year later, Jordan became my dog. She was my Christmas present from my grandma, she had a litter of puppies that came with her also. From there on out, she hardly let me out of her sight and I had never been so happy & close to anything like I was her. She used to go on car rides with me and Callahan, she would even get high with us. I shared food with her, she went for rides with me when I drove, I taught her "Get the kitty" when she came up here, she protected my room. When I made sandwiches she would always get the first slice of bread out of the bag.... Jordan was the greatest dog I ever had/will have. 10-22-08, IS now the official worst day of my life. I was having trouble coping with a friends sudden death, I chose to not come home on 10-21, I stayed with John. I came home this morning almost 7am to "Sam you need to get your dog in the house" I called for her more times then I should've had to and I expected the worst. I got a flashlight and looked in the ditch to see she was there. I thought she was dead. I broke down and cried in the front yard. Came back to the house and assumed she was dead and I didn't know what to do. I went out with her blanket, the phone & a flashlight again to go get her. She looked up at me and wagged her little tail. I was so happy to see her still alive. I sat in the ditch and held on to her and just cried and told her to make it and that I loved her so much. My mom came out we put her on the blanket and brought her into the house. I laid with her and cried for a long time, she still breathed, moved, & wagged her tail but wouldn't close her eyes. I was going to take her to the vet to see if they could do anything to atleast stablize her, she didn't last that long. I was home for 45 mins tops with her alive and then she passed, two final very seperated breaths, & there was no more heart beat of movement, she didn't wag her tail again or try to get up. She looked like she was in so much pain when she passed. I felt bad. I held on with my life and cried harder then I have ever cried in all my life. For two hours after she passed I still held on to her and told her that I wanted her to wake back up, I had to leave to drop the truck off to my dad and I took her and her blanket into my room and laid her on the bed and thats where she stayed until I got back home. I told her before I left to please wake back up, be at the door wagging your tail when I get home. She wasn't she's really gone. I've spent too many hours crying but she meant everything in the world to me. She's the only reason why I ever stayed home, now she's not here, now I don't know what to do. I'm going to make a wall in my room dedicated to her, I'm getting HER pawprint, name, DOB & DOD as a tat on my leg, and eventually will have someone do her face from my favorite pic of her above that. I'm taking her to get cremated, I feel its the best way because I don't think I can watch my dad bury her, atleast this way when I move she can come with me. I've never been so hurt. I've never felt so empty and heartbroken. I will always and forever love her no matter what, I'll never forget her. ~Jordan 04-23-03 to 10-22-08~ I will make a promise, that IF I ever find out who hit my dog and didn't have the decency to stop I WILL fucking kill them, even if it puts me in jail or I can't get my massage license, I would do that for her, even though I know that's something I shouldn't do and if she could tell me right now she wouldn't want me to do it either. If I didn't kill em I'd atleast beat them real damn good. People are ignorant and just rude. I would have stopped. I will forever be broken over this because she was so close to me. Closer then most people realize. Although, I feel that she's in a better place now rather then suffering the pain she was this morning. I <3 you Jordan.

I thought for most of my life that I wouldn't lose the people closest to me, but yanno I should have prepared myself for the worst. Best friends or Juggalo's either way nothing lasts forever. I've put a close on my past, the past that leaves one person thinking I'm a whore & a liar. Damn if he actually knew the truth it would be a slap in the face because I WAS not lying. I love how people who are close to you say they would never think any different of you no matter what, and one thing sets them off and they automatically hate you and think the worst of you, hmmm good lookin on the lying! Well here's how I stand on things, I'm not sorry to say that the last person I slept with (last Friday) was by far the best sex ever. I'm not sorry for the things I did or didn't do. I'm not sorry if the things I did or DIDN'T do makes people thing differently of me in anyway. I'm not sorry that people choose to believe other people over me when I'm telling the truth. I'm not sorry for every moment I've wished something bad would happen to someone. I'm not sorry for my attitude, I'm not sorry for my 'demeanor' & I'm sorry for how I think or the things I say. So I've taken a new start on my life, I've given up all hopes that people who are not friends with me for stupid shit & lies that they decide to believe because yanno what there's nothing for me to be upset for. Friends come and go. I couldn't be upset over it after Monday because I had a lot more to worry about, that was WAY more important then losing "homies". I've been stressed out for 3 days, but things are looking up. Part of me starting over I'm not going to let the little things get to me, I'm going to live every day to the fullest, I'm not going to take advantage of the wonderful things I have. I'm glad to have the friends I've had since before Feb. even though I wasn't around much to see them I'm glad they're still around and didn't leave me just because I left them. Those ARE my true friends. I am also really happy, I met someone who's something else. Makes the last person I was into not look so great. He's made me smile a lot lately, and has helped me keep my head up while things are rough. I haven't really felt so strongly about someone. I've been left speechless on a few occasions. I'm really happy I can honestly say that I've been happy with people and left speechless by people but NOT in this way at all. He's got so many wonderful things about him that I cannot find one thing wrong with him. I may have said that about one person before but I found his flaw and it kept us apart in more then one way. Anyways back to this guy. Wow I just couldn't explain to anyone just how wonderful he is. I'm in a state of shock by his wonderful personality & the way he makes me happy and keeps me smiling! He's amazing, something else, and I'm sure we could be happy together for a very long time, but only time will say if we are going to be together. I can only hope.

Knows me & my mind better then any friend I could have or had. This person is NOT myself. He knows me better then I know myself, he knows what I'm thinking and what I'm going to do before I do it. He knows me like he knows the back of his hand. This person is my little brother. In reality when I look at people who WERE friends or who ARE friends even they could NOT know me as well as my brother does. He really gets me and he understands what I go through, he's either been there or is going there, that or he just gets it. He's the only person who knows that my temper and my depression get the best of me, when I say or do some thing that I later do not mean. He gets it because he's the EXACT same way as I am. We both pop off at the mouth and say stupid shit we later do not mean, normally it's out of anger or being upset. We DO things that we also later regret, for the same reasons. We've both been down the same road with friends, family, & relationships. Friends being douchebags because they decide to talk shit, over either lil tiny bullshit or lies. A lot of our friends have lied and talked shit behind our backs, EVEN our closest friends because they would rather keep their ass outta trouble instead of help us out even slightly. Family, auh where to begin our family just fights thats about it. Relationships/whatever, people have used us. Him for money & I for other things. People have fucked us over so damn bad that any type of reputation we have for ourselves is shattered. His is gone, mine is gone. I'm glad to have my brother in my life I'm glad he knows me like he does because atleast someone can relate to what I'm going through & same goes for him. I finally know how he feels to be scared like he is, I never thought it could be like that, but I now know how he feels. I now know WHY he wants to leave & I don't blame him because I might just go with him. Get outta B.F.E., Ohio and go somewhere where people are much calmer & stay outta your damn business. I love my brother more then anything in this whole world & I care about him more then anyone in this world too. I would do anything to take his pain, suffering, & anger away, I'm sure he would do the same for me. Unfortunately, we cannot help each other out like that because then either way we would still be in pain, suffering, & angry. My brother is everything to me and IF I could take that all away for him I would & I would have no problem being in twice as much pain, suffering 2 times more, and being just as equally pissed off. I know that my brother and I have a good brother/sister relationship and I know we got each other's backs til the end. We ALWAYS have and ALWAYS will even when the world turns against us and we're fighting right next to each other against everyone we ever knew. Even though the odds of us coming out alive from a situation like that would be very small, even still Death Before Dishonor.