I don't know if I post this for my friends and family to keep informed or I keep this up to somehow help myself. I know alot of people don't even read this blog. That's fine. Maybe I just need to do this to get it out of me. If I don't then at times I feel I would go nuts.
As most of you know my grandfather has been in the hospital. In the past 3 weeks he was sent to another hospital and they preformed heart surgery on him. I have been at this hospital either sleeping in the waiting room or at a hotel room across the street from the hospital. He had the surgery and while on the table his heart stopped soon as they put him to sleep. They had to thump his heart back pumping again. They fixed what they needed to in his heart but left his chest open cause of fluid and pressure on his heart. So basically they put some to plug the space between his open chest and the air and bandaged him up. They docs came up and told us all that had gone on and that it was touch and go if he would survive the first night. My sis and I stayed in the waiting room overnight and the docs lets us back to see him. What we saw shattered both of our hearts. Our grandfather,the man who raised us, hooked up to so many tubes and lines and hoses down his throat. I could not hold back my tears. It shook both of us to our utter core. We tried to be strong on that first visit but all visage of that was taken. We held each of his hands and talked to him. Hoping that somewhere he would hear us. He made it through that first 24 hours. The nurses and docs said that maybe our words helped him in some way.
He would remain in a medicated coma for the next two weeks. They closed his chest the weekend after the surgery. They began to try and get fluid off of him. He will have to be on kidney machines at least 3 times a week regardless of what happens.For now they have him on a 24 hours process to clean his blood and kidneys so long at his bloodpressure can handle it and then they have to stop the process. His body is swollen from all the fluids. His eyes have pockets from where the swelling makes them go inside out. They have put special boots on him to make sure he does not develop what is called drop foot. He still has the ventilator breathing for him. Another tube in his stomach and IVs seemingly everywhere.
They cut back on the sedatives last week in the hope of waking him. One day his eyes opened but it was if nothing was there. He did not react to voices or any other stimulus. We would see him swallowing around the tube in this throat and the docs say thats reflex. His eyes might turn and look like they are looking at you. Reflex. Everytime you think we are making a big turn it seems a door goes back up. They docs and nurses say that he should be more alert by now. He should be trying to "buck" the ventilater. They think he may have had a stroke at some point after the surgery. One thing to think about is that a couple days after the surgery my sis and I were back there with him and he kinda awoke up and for a minute tired to grab the tube going down his throat. With his chest being open they did not want him being to aggitated and thats when they put him into the medicated coma. So my sis and I both saw more of him then. That is almost what we would need to see now and he cant even hold our hands. Today they had planned to get a Cat Scan done to see what is going on neurologically. However they felt since they would have to unhook alot of things he needs now that it might be more tramatic to do so.
Word came this morning from my sis that she tickled his foot this morning and his big toe moved. It might and stress might appear he may have turned his eyes to a voice. Again its hard to say because it could be reflex. We have had so many false hopes we dont want to add on to it again. Of course we pray for the lord to reach down and wrap his arms around our grandfather and bring him back to us. We also know we need to prepare ourselves for the fact that maybe the grandfather we knew is no longer there. We all have beaten ourselves up because we want so much to think "Ok we are gonna go back and see him and he will be sitting up and no tube in his throat and he talking away" For 3 weeks we have hoped and prayed for that.
Yesterday I had to tell the man who raised my sis and I happy fathers day to eyes staring at nothing. Breath coming from a tube and hands not feeling mine. I had to come back home last night because I need to be here for the kids. One part of me feels like a left him there. That's what they cant prepare you for. That life goes on. Bills still have to be paid. Meals have to be fixed. You want to scream to the world "Dont you realize that my grandfather is dying and cant you just stop" It just dont work that way. I was laughing last night to show and then I felt ashamed for laughing when my grandfather is fighting for his life. It seems everything you do once you stop you go "God how can I enjoy anything when he is laying in that bed". Just doing this I have fought back tear after tear.
One thought keeps going through my mind over and over. The day of his surgery we all were gathered around him in his pre op room and he was joking and talking with us. We walked him to the elevator that would lead him down to surgery. The whole way he was talking to us and being more worried about us. I am still recovering from my own surgery and he was talking about me not getting worn out on his account. He had even said that I did not need to come all the way to that hospital just for this surgery. That he would be alright. Of course I had to go and it eats at me. That might be the last thing we all ever hear from him. Everytime I see him and the visit is over and I go back to the waiting room that is what goes through my head and there is no way I cannot not cry. I may be grown but we all know family is family.
So now its in the Lords hands. If he wishes for my grandfather to come back to us then he will grant that. If he decides he wants another angel at his side then I wish he would do it and to not hurt my grandfather anymore. I want the man I love so much to find peace one way or another.
I cannot think everyone so much for all the prayers and best wishes that have been given not only to me but my family. I don't think we can ever repay the debt of kindness and love we have received. I can only hope they realize every word has meant so much to us and carried us through some of these dark times. I also pray that no one has to ever go through this. I can only say that if any of my friends ever face this I will not forget and I will be there for them.
I hope and pray. RON
