juggalette4lyfe's blog: "In my mind"

If my week hasn't been fucked up enough from bullshit liars to working my ass off to just being down right lonely today has topped it off for me. Ok so i went out to dinner with my family. We were there eating and something told me to look up and low and behold i do and i see Samanthas sperm donor walk in. And to top it off he was with his wife who he was seperated from when i got pregnant and was the reason he has never wanted anything to do with her cause he didnt want the wife to know that while they were seperated he knocked a girl up.. Well After a YEAR A FUCKING YEAR HE SEE'S HIS DAUGHTER FROM A DISTANCE. He had my duaghters half brother and sister whom she will never know cause of him with him too. It really hit me hard cause i didnt realize till tonight how much my duaghter actually looks like this man. It breaks my heart no not cause i want to be with him but because she has siblings she will never know. He kept looking over at my daughter everytime his wife would leave the table or when he would go to go up to the buffet. I just couldnt believe it. It made me so sick and yet pissed at the same time. My folks dont know these feelings cause they didnt know her dad was there. anyways i needed to get that off my chest

to all my wonderful cherry tap friends please if you get the time click on my pic and comment on it i am in a sexi bbw contest.. you can comment on the pic as many times as you like.

Hey to all my friends out there i just wanted you all to know i have a new love in my life.. go to my pics and you will see a pic..

I just dont understand how someone can one day sit look you in the face and tell you i love you i wanna be with you forever and then turn around and tell you they were seeing someone else at the sametime and the other one was the one they wanted to be with.. That is the most messed up think anyone can do. To me you say i love you cause you mean it.. That is something you should not play around with.. But the guys i have delete with these days throw it around for the wrong reasons. They use it like its a game. Someones heart is not a game. The love someone gives to you is not a game.. And it take a real sick person to be able to use it as a game. Ok i am gonna stop now before i go into things that will just be wrong to say. To my peeps i haven't talked to since yesterday.. I AM SINGLE AGAIN... Was yet another game to another dude.

I am beyond hurt its pure pain now. I have given my heart to a man that i have fully fallen in love with and do want to be with. But now i dont know where we stand. He knows i love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but he turned around and said he needed time to think. Now i think i have lost him. My heart is in so many peices right now. If i do lose him i am done i am tried of getting my heart broke. I just can't take it anymore.

Why is it when things go up it always comes back down. last night i hurt someone that is the greatest person on this earth and yes i did blog about it. i know it was for the best for me to be honest but why does it have to hurt so bad.. I know myself i can't move on with anything in my life till i start to respect and love me.. I have to work on myself to be able to give my all to anyone. I am even short changing my kids cause i am so stressed out and worried about things. I need to slow myself down and get me back on track.. And it the long run me needing to do that has hurt that person. I wish it was easy enough that things didnt happen this way but i can't help it. There is no way i can get things worked through if i dont take the time for myself. I just had to hurt people its never my intention but i do.. I feel i am toxic and if i am ever gonna be able to stop giving up and all i need to start working. I know i am just rambling here.. But i just had to say all this. I had to get it out of my head.

I find what i thought was happiness.. I found out a little while later it was just a game.. And then the most wonderful guy came a long. He changed so much for me.. It was an all new experince for me.. But a wonderful one.. But then I got scared and confused. And do to that i just gave up the most wonderful thing. I hurt the most wonderful man that is out there.. And i am sorry for that.. I am toxic. I ruin everything i start to love. And its done now.. I am giving up.. I am closing my toxic touch up. I am locking everything away.. If i don't give myself to another then the hurt wont happen.. That man that has ben wonderful to me. As much as i am sure you dont believe me i do love you.. I am sorry for what i have done. I am going now so you can find true happiness. Dont give up cause then you give up on the one true woman who will love you. Again baby boi i am sorry.