Beautiful Disastertradehearts's blog: "In my heart"

I had dreams for me and dreams for you. They were suppost to be dreams we reached together. New cars, a home,a trip to Rome. Diamonds and gold, but most of all a love that was to never grow old. Now my heart is broken and my dreams shattered, and it only seems to me that to you it doesn't matter. You left me cold and in the dark and the only thing there seems do, is make a brand new start. A life without you now is hard, but maybe someday, I will see that some dreams aren't meant to be. Just because you said you loved me.

I think back on all my past relationships and wonder what the hell a girl suppost to do to keep her man happy. I've been through it all and can't seem to find the answer. He's beat me, almost killed me, didn't work a day in our relationship. I've been abandoned, almost killed, disrespected, rapped, cheated on and still I've stayed. Thats dedication.

Lonliness its all around me. Nights cried to sleep, days alone, months without knowing. Knowing if the problems lay within my self or in the stupidity of others. Is there something wrong with me? Am i ugly, is there something others see that i don't? Someone please let me know. I'm begging to be loved , for someones approval. Waiting to see if my lonliness is the actions of someones cruel game. Lonliness why me?

I often sit and look out my window wondering why. Why everyone is so quick to judge another race. Why parents say you cant be with him or her their black, hispanic, korean, white ect ect. Why brothers and sisters are in the street killing each other. People we may have diffrent skin colors but damn it we all bleed the same we all feel the same, and we all love the same. So let the racial * go and love each other because we are our own demise.

It's dark I'm losing sight of the light. Can this be true might I die? Who will miss me, who would care. I wonder why this happened to me an not you. Not that of course i would wish tis on anyone, but more as a question. So many times I have often wondered especially lately what my family my friends my kids would do without me? I'm faced with darkness but whats so hard is I'm facing it alone, Noone here no one to care. Noone to hold me when I'm scared. So if i have to face it alone i'll live each day like there is no tommorrow. In the darkness.

At some point in my life I thought everyone was fake and noone really cared. From somewhere and somehow you ended up here. Always a gentle kind word. Now if you weren't here to say hi ,or just let me know you were still here I would lose a part of my world. I know that noting between us will ever be more than what it is now, but as long as you are in my life I'll always hold you near. This is for one of my best friends noone will ever take your place you have a special place in my heart and you know who you are. Love you .