you didn't hang up on me... which makes me slightly happier.. becasue i know you don't hate me... I know you aren't pissed too much.. i know you won't ignore me.. but theres something i didn't get the chance to tell you..
I am my moms little mistake.. the child she never wanted.. and becasue im here 'its my fault'.. or so she thinks. The strong side of me you've never seen needs to come out.. and im bound and determined to prove that im not weak... I mean absolutly nothing to myself..but i mean the world to some others. The reason why i live is for them. If it wasn't for some of my friends... the ones who have stood beside me for ever.. i don't think i would really be here.
The 'certain incident' that pops up in my profile... i was molested by a 66 year old man... which is why it says 'no one over 35 will be excpeted' or something like that.. Back then, i wanted to die.. but i knew i couldn't becasue i would have followers.
I don't live for myself... i live for my friends...and that is one thing... i will never lie about.
You don't know my life.. and i suppsoe you could say that you don't know me... So here i am.. showing my weak side.. for everyone who cares to see. the weak, sensitive side who deals with other peoples bullshit, and dosn't care much about her own.
Its not being strong, or weak, or sensitive that makes me, me... it dosn't make up what holds me together... its my friends that do. Its my friends that keep me sane... and for one brief moment.. you saw the insanity i never wanted you to see...
Im not going to hurt myself, nor am i going to do something stupid like swallow 50 pills or down the rest of the vicodine i have...im going to sit here...and convince myself that im not the mistake i've been lead to think i am...
Above anything... i want to thank you... becasue after that chat we had.. you showed me what i can be. Not what i am now... what i can be.. and what i can do.
Im sorry.. if i hurt you... i never meant to.. i never meant for things to go this far.. i never meant to have this.. infatuation with you.. i never meant to fall in love with you... you the guy who lives thousands of miles away.. you, the one i barely know... And im sorry.
So i think.. i'll end on this note... Im not a mistake. Im not going to hurt myself in anyway. I am strong... strong enough to admit that im sorry i hurt you. Strong enough to pick up the phone and confess...that for some bizzar reason i was in love with the 31 year old artist i had barely known... I had never felt that way about anyone.. and.. i don't know what i chose you.. but i did. And once more... im sorry.
-Jessica
