i have just come to the realization that i am a mother, and what that really means. i am the single most important think in the eyes of 2 little men. i am their world, i can mold them and shape them in so many different ways. my god! everything i do effects them in someway or another. this scares the fucking hell out of me, i mean they are 5 and 2. to watch them learn to read and talk, to go pee and get little kindergarten girlfriends, haha. to see the disappointment and rejection, the confusion and pride. all of a sudden it just got really overwhelming, i do not deserve such wonderful things, i am no one, i have nothing, however the fates and heavens work its really sick to give such a glorious gift to such a fuck up, but they are mine. what do i do? do i change, stay the same, will i make them better or worse. childhood is such an important thing, it makes you who you are. i don't want to ruin my children, im afraid im all they have, am i being too hard on myself? i will never be as perfect as a mother should. im so scared.
I am mommy in sickness and health, love and hate, anger and angst. though to be honest with whoever reads this, and myself i am nothing but a scared child. i dont think my brain comprehends things like adults, this worries me. i can never be the person i want to be for them, because im a, well i guess im a fucking punk, defying conventional standards and giving the finger to the man. yuk!!! its all too much. i guess all i can do is try my best and hope that they learn that i have values, i believe in them and will fight and die and kill for them. until the end. im losing my mind with this. time doesn't stand still. if i know one thing, it is this. come hell or high water im going to love these little boys with everything i have i going to hold them and kiss them and be there like my mother never was, make them feel that love that i am devoid of. forever!
