hiskygirl's blog: "If..."

The time has came that I'm going to leave the wonderful land of Fubar...it was fun while it lasted but I no longer have any interest in it...or life in general for that matter. For the TRUE friends I've made, thank you..and I leave you with a few words of wisdom..dont tell someone one thing, only to turn around and do something else...it can really mess with someone's mind and cause a lot of heartache.

I suddenly lost my fiancee on July 29 2005, and still to this day, I still cannot believe it is true. I wait for him to walk in the door with his beautiful dark eyes and sweet smile. The loneliness is crippling at times and at times right after he passed away, leaving the house was so hard. The nightmares still happen from time to time although not nearly like they used to. I had one last Friday night. Was at a friends house and had had a few drinks and fell asleep on the couch only to be awoken with a nightmare..it was rather embarassing. I remember having to remove his name from documents and our joint bank account and how it felt so wrong, as if I was betraying him. I have a wonderful family and friends and without them, I surely wouldn't be here today. In fact, I know I wouldn't. When he passed away, my whole world seemed to come crashing down around me, and I felt as though I was only exisiting, not living. There was a point in my life when All I could think of was how much I miss my baby, and how I want to hold him one more time and hear him tell me how much he loved me. I still question myself and ask why I couldn't be there with him in his last moments to hold him and tell him how much I loved him. At times, my heart was so full of sorrow I could hardly breathe. But still I move on...things can ONLY get easier...as time passes it does get a little easier... I know he wouldn't want me to suffer and that he would wants me to be happy and have peace in my heart. I truly loved him. That love that I had for him carries me through the hard times and everytime I start to feel as though I'm being overwhelmed by the pain, I just go back into my memory bank and remember all the wonderful memories I have of him and I let that be my rock to get me through the day. True love never dies...we take it with us when we go. Grief is a lonely existence and I'm going to overcome it....one day at a time.

I do. I truly do. I have loved him since I met him. I have been addicted to his touch since I first experienced it. His gentleness has captivated me. The kindness in his eyes can melt my anger. The strength in his arms can shelter me from everything. My entire body cries when I am not with him. When he is at his worst, I see him at his best. In his mistakes, I see perseverance. In his weakness, I see courage. In his past, I see what made him. In his future, I see all that he will become. When I look into my heart, I see him. When I close my eyes, I feel him. While my contentment comes from within, he is my lighthouse, shining my way home. Why do I feel this way? Does he know how I see him? Does he realize how perfect he is in my eyes? When I am scared, he is my protector. When I feel alone, he is my comfort. He is there for me before I ask. He knows my pain before I feel it, and understands it better than me. He guards my body from harm, and my heart from pain. He is the love of my life. My love for him is beautiful, but my love for myself must be even more so. Why can I not have both? Why must I love myself more than him, and so not be with him? When will he see the beauty in my love, the beauty in my heart? Will he ever love me the way I love him? Will I ever be able to love another with this perfection if he does not return my affections?

I have developed a cyst on the top of my right hand. Its under the skin, and feels like a small bump. I'm hoping and praying its not what I think it is again.

Where do I go from here? God, how many times have I asked myself that question? If I had a nickel... It's strange when for a while you feel like you've got a plan; life makes sense. The planets are in order, and the sun is shining. Then, some clouds drift in; it gets windy and you can smell the rain. You try to run for cover, or at least, open your umbrella in time to save yourself from being drenched. The heavens open their flood gates. Suddenly, you're in a river of muddy water, rapids, and debris. The umbrella floats past, mocking your effort. What now? Which direction do you swim? Against the current, or with it? Do you call out for help? Who is listening? Do you even try to make it back to shore, or do you just let the river rush you away into the sea?

If today was the last day that I would ever live, if for some reason today was the last day I would take in a blissful kiss from the wind, then a number of things would be on my mind.... But the most important would be to figure out what to do with the rest of my life before the 24 hours had succeeded... I would climb a mountain top, where I could view the ocean as it traveled miles and miles into the sunset... I would find my best friend and sit with her, telling her how much she meant to me... I would find my true love and kiss him with a sad kiss goodbye. What would you do? I would take my family and play with them, being merry and gentle in ever way possible. I would write a will, making sure everybody I loved was taken care of... I would let everybody know my darkest secrets, giving the fact that my life was no more eligible for embarrasment and prejudice. I would even find my ex-boyfriend and confirm to him that I secretly loved him still.. tell him that deep inside my heart there was a space open for him whenever he wanted it. If I could, I would punch my worst enemy in the face, I would scream and rip out her hair... I would even make sure she wouldn't forget me... As for college, I would tell my classmates goodbye, tell my teachers I appreciate them for what they have taught me.. I would apologize to all the people I had been cruel to... I would cry my hardest for a few moments. I would give my writings, and all my other talented projects, to my parents... they could do whatever with it. I have talents. Writing, Photography,Singing... that's just the start. I would make sure nobody forgot my name. And in my last few moments, I would run to the church and pray...I would cry and cry some more, and then laugh and laugh..thinking about the good times and the bad. I would hold my dearest friends and family and then let myself fly home to God... What would you do if you had only a certain amount of time to live? Just a thought. Keep your friends close and your family closer... you never know when your life will be grasped from you.