IF I WERE SANTA, I'D -
If I were a rockin' Santa,
You know what I'd do?
I'd dump the silly gifts
That are given to you.
I'd deliver some things
Just inside your front door --
Things you have lost,
But treasured before.
I'd give you back all
Your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it,
A neat, tiny figure;
Then restore the old color
That once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches
Took residence there.
I'd bring back the shape
With which you were gifted,
So things now suspended
Need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy
And smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream
In those tight fitting slacks!
I'd remove all your wrinkles
And leave only one chin,
So you wouldn't spend hours
Rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes
Or queer dizzy spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises
Like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet,
And no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles
When they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take
In your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks
You're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache,
So no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed
Since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa,
You'd never look stupid.
You'd be a cute little chick
With the romance of a cupid.
I'd give a lift to your heart
When those wolves start to whistle,
And the joys of your heart
Would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa.
I'm simply just me,
The matronest of matrons
You ever did see.
I wish I could tell you
All the symptoms I've got,
But I'm due at my doctor's
For an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older
This wish is sincere:
Merry Christmas to you!
And a Happy New Year
