What a great feeling when you meet someone and you feel that connection and everything about that person makes you smile.....You feel so complete inside as though you found your soulmate......Then things change before you eyes and you're trying to figure out ....How did we get here...What didn't I see.
I know that I'm an Intelligent person....I've experienced a lot of things in my life...I'm nobodys fool and I refused to be used, abused or mistreated....We all know someone that may be in terrible relationship and you say to yourself...."Couldn't Be Me" I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that....."Never Say Never or What You Wouldn't Do.....You can very easily get Caught Up...It can and will happen to the best of us.
Two relationships stands out...Both Altered the very Essence of Who I am.
The first man persued me for a very long time before I even decided to go on a date with him....I liked him.... He even knew that I had male friends it didn't bother him...I appreciated that he was ok with that...At least thats what I thought.....As time went on we fell in love or just say I thought it was love....all of sudden things changed, he no longer wanted me to associate with my male friends, he knew nothing was going on, he and I was together everyday but since I loved him, I wanted to be understanding to his feelings....I did as he asked.....things digressed from there...He didn't like me going anywhere with out him...Always accusing me of cheating...It began with verbal abuse.....then he tried to become physical...I knew I wasn't going down that road....When I was a teenager (15) I had to listen to my mom get beat every night by my younger sisters father......well lets say 5 days out of a week....She lost good jobs because she wouldn't go to work when you could see her bruises, he even broke her arm, he beat her the whole time she was pregnant with my sister.....I didnt realize that men could love us so much...........At least thats what they call it when they are mistreating or abusing us.
I can remember my first physical abuse as if it was yesterday and an incident with My friend. He was washing his car one day...My step dad stayed down the street from me. I didn't have a phone at the time so I was on my way down his house. He asked me where I was going and I told him to use the phone...he said I couldn't... I continued walking anyway... before I knew it he threw the bucket of water that he washing his car with on me. I never felt so humiliated in my life. I ran back in the house. Time went on he began being more and more controlling...trying to run everything that was dealing with my life..........He began pushing me all the time when we argued...this was behind closed doors.....It esculated where he started doing it in public ... he pushed me so hard he knocked me down on concrete. He was a tall guy very thick and very muscular and I wasn't as big as I am now...... But I knew at that point that I had to get out of that relationship....I knew it would only get worse if I continued down that road with him....so I ended it....at least that's what I thought.....
He watched me from afar after I broke it off.....He called every day and night asking for my forgiveness but I wouldn't talk to him, I was afraid of him... One night I was sleeping and I woke up to someone standing over my bed it was him....he broke in my bedroom window........I was so terrified...He told me I used him and now I don't want him anymore. He wouldn't listen to anything I had to say....He told me since I didn't want him anymore that he will have me one last time......He Raped Me ...I looked at him in his eyes the whole time, crying...I didnt even know who he was. He was not the man I fell in love with.......Even after it was over he wouldn't leave he layed in my bed holding me real tight and told me I better not move so I layed their till the next morning with him holding me ...I tried to get away when I thought he was asleep, he grabbed me even tighter.........the next day finally came and ...he left. I never told anybody this..... I use to see him around from time to time but we never spoke to each other. He couldn't even look at me.
My previous relationship lasted seven years, This man came into my life and I thought my prayers was answered....He was very Spiritual, He was my friend, he made me laugh. I felt secure when he was around....I thought this would be the man I would marry......Five years into the relationship things changed so dramatically......He would come home and act like he's mad at the world......he started drinking heavily....snapped at me and the kids. I knew something was going on I just didn't know what at the time....
One day we was having some remodeling done to the house and he disappeared and I went outside looking for him....when I found him he was sitting in a car we had in the back yard...When I started walking toward the car he got out and told me to turn around and go back in the house...he was acting so strangely so I went to the car anyway and thats where I saw why he was acting like he was....he had some crack and a pipe.....That made my heart drop to my feet......I couldn't do anything but cry... It was like the whole relationship flashed before my eyes and all my hopes and dreams with him instantly disappeared. Things got worse....He blamed me for everything that felled in his life.... He would tell me if he couldn't have me..he will make sure no one else would......I even chose not to be around my family, he didn't stop me but if I did......once I came home I would have to listen to him all night long accusing me of everything...........I kept insisting he needed to get some help.....he wouldn't..........this situation drained me....I didn't even know who I was anymore.....I had to think about my children....so I had to let it go.....He packed his things and left, its over now.....at least that's what I thought.....
He called me one night and ask me would I pick him up I told him no. He said its like that huh, I just hung up the phone and went back to sleep...See, he had my other car but he pawned it to drug dealers for some drugs........Well later on that night I was sleeping all I felt was the covers being pulled off me... I woke up and there he stood ...eyes glossy with a strange look on his face.....as I looked down further I realized he had a knife in his hand...I instantly prayed to God in my mind.....He was angry, he was yelling because I wouldn't pick him up earlier when he called........ He told me I only used him..I don't understand how a person can say you used him especially when you give them all that you have to give and still stand by them through hardship.....It's like your feelings about the same relationship is completely different from his....
I knew not to say anything out the way at this point because I didn't recognize this man he had an evil spirit......I saw hate in his eyes....and I knew if I had of said anything crazy to him....I would be dead today....I said everything that I felt would make that look in his eyes disappear......I told him I loved him, that I needed him.....whatever I needed to say...........he wanted sex...........and thats what I had to do..........I can't began to describe or tell you how that felt........I had to take myself out of my body....I felt the sense of rape all over again....As of that night.......I had no love for this man.....Another situation I kept to myself.
We as women hear men say all the time.........."Don't judge me by men in your past"..which we dont but you say it so easily..but we hear it with pain.... that only we know...........It's not that we're trying to compare you.........We've been through things you can't even imagine and we're still here trying to plant our feet on solid ground.......We just need Compassion, Patience, Reassurance.....We don't want anything that similar to what we've had........We're trying to Function and be Productive...No time for your Lies & Deceit.....We're trying to learn to Love Again, To Trust Again..........Give us Honesty......Let Us Trust In You.........Love is Understanding and Patience... God brought us through...Can we see God in you..
