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Express' Greg Barber recaps the 2-hour "American Idol" season finale.
THE SECOND HALF of the "American Idol" superspecialfinaleextravaganzavarietythingie is a television event with a central paradox: There's really no reason to put on this show.
The season's already over, really. The votes are in. The producers already know who won. We, the viewers, are really just signing ourselves up for a two-hour tease to maybe five minutes — max — of actual on-plotline show. But who can resist the lure of all those pretty flashing lights?
And just as we puny viewers think about checking out whatever crap is on NBC, the Guitar Riff of Transition sucks us up in its cyclonic fury, plopping us in the awaiting arms and pearly white teeth of Ryan Seacrest. We are theirs now. All 160 million of us.
And among those fawning millions are random celebrities. And so, friends, the "Idol" director and control room team bring you Random Audience Cut Theater! Our first subjects: Jeff Foxworthy! Jerry Springer! Boy, the A-list is out in droves tonight.
Randy has traded in his dictator outfit from last night for sheets from an Atlantic City casino hotel, nattily stitched into a sportcoat. Frank Sinatra might have slept on those!
Paula is showcasing her cleavage tonight, perhaps to distract from that swollen nose, or the daft phrases that tend to pop out of her mouth. And Simon (again with the winking) is ... wearing the same thing from Tuesday's show? Must've been a bad night. Or a good one? Somebody check Seacrest for hickeys.
» THE WARM-UP: Jordin and Blake perform a duet — "I Saw Her Standing There." Why would the producers have picked ... wait! Jordin's just 17! And you know what I mean. Hey, it's in the song! Clever. Those guys are just too clever.
Blake's wearing my dad's tux from senior prom. He sounds a little extra breathy tonight. Jordin's little black dress looks dynamite. She tries to keep up with Blake on the dancing, but only manages a strange half-twist. She plants a kiss on him, leaving lipstick on his face. It's cute.
And then over to Gwen Stefani. Who appears to be wearing a large shimmery rose on her behind? And a gold bow on her back. Because she's just so freaking alternative it hurts. I'm just as interested in her song as she was in being a coach when she was on "Idol." Which means not much at all.
Kelly Clarkson takes the stage — the same one that saw her become the first American Idol back before the last ice age — with her new single, "Never Again." Her voice is a bit raspy, but damn does she pack some emotion into that song, which reads like the letter every betrayed lover wishes he or she could write (watch here). And her career is what every single one of the people who've followed in her footsteps have aspired to.
Random Audience Cut Theater time! Music mogul Clive Davis! Jerry Springer again! (They have to recycle this early?) Jeff Foxworthy again! (Apparently so.) Oscar winner and "Idol" castoff Jennifer Hudson! Now there's a bit of a surprise. Wonder if she got the LaKisha treatment from Simon? Probably not.
Seacrest presents the "Golden Idol Awards," or "another chance to poke fun at the people who made fools of themselves on national television."
Their first category for unsuspecting victims honorees: "Best Performance." The nominees: The guy who took his shirt off and growled like a panther; the gal who just wailed and, um, did her best impression of Meg Ryan from "When Harry Met Sally"; and the woman who showed off her belly fat and her love for both the color yellow and Simon. The yellow lady wins. She's weird, but doesn't say anything too outrageous, which is all we're hoping for. She does kiss Seacrest, which is funny since she's really not his type. She reads poetry. Everyone claps politely, treating her as they would that crazy aunt who might, dear God, stop talking if you just don't egg her on.
Hey, David Alan Grier!
Michael Chiklis! From "The Shield"? Or, um, "The Commish"? He played The Thing in the Fantastic 4 movie. Theeeerrre we go.
