Seeing pictures is great but do the really define who a person is? Can looking at a person's eyes really show what their soul is like? Is it really possible that you know what kind of person I am by taking just a first glance? People that have seen my picture without meeting me may come up with all sorts of ideas about who they think I am. Just looking at a picture, however, does not give any indication of what that person has gone through. I have decided to write this so that people may have a small glimpse of what I have been through to help others.
I was born in the late seventies. When I was three months old, I was diagnosed with a very rare eye condition, ocular motor apraxia. It is a congenital eye defect that has no cure, no operation and the information they have is very limited. I was and still unable to move my eyes from side to side. Instead, I have to use a jerking motion of the head that allows me to be able to see and focus on moving objects.
My mother divorced my dad when I was two years old, got remarried when I was four and I was adopted by my step-father, who is a major part of my life, even to this day. A few months later, my sister was born. It was a whole new family and I had a baby sister to help take care of.
While growing up, it was difficult for me in school, having a rare eye dysfunction caused cruel children to do mean things. I was always afraid to go to school. People would make me the scape goat for anything wrong that happened and I was always in trouble.
My parents moved us to Maine, where I currently reside. Other children tried to become my friends but I would not let them. I was an angry child and wanted to drop out of school when I was only in the fifth grade. I tried running away from home because my mother and I were constantly yelling at each other. When I was nine years old, I went to be alone at a place where I could see the river. It may have been a day dream but I believe that it was Satan himself that appeared as a wonderful woman, beautiful and introducing herself as Luna, goddess of the moon. She told me that I had a special purpose in life. I went home that night, very confused. I continued going to school but tried to walk out, my teacher caught me and I was placed on detention for walking out of class. I told my parents that I wanted to quit but I was pushed to continue. During those years, I was always in detention for things that I did. This time, I wasn't the scape goat, I was the bully. I never wanted friends again and made sure people stayed away from me. I didn't do very well in school but I graduated all the same.
Not long after graduation, I moved to Maryland and stayed there for a couple of years. My temper flared all the more and my mouth would some times get me into a lot of trouble. I was placed on medications, placed in a group home setting and the day before I turned nineteen, I got married. My first husband and I did not live together until six months after the wedding. After we did start living together, I found out that he was a swinger, wanting to share me with his best friend and best friend's wife. The marriage ended when he began seeing another woman, he called me crazy and left.
Not long after that, I came back to Maine, yet to another group home setting. I was weighing at 350 lbs. back then and really didn't care about anything or anyone any more. I left the group home, got my own apartment. During this time, I had a bi-sexual "friend" that wanted to be more than just friends. I am ashamed of what I have done with her. She left shortly after and moved to Florida with her boyfriend.
After she left, I met my second husband. He was a wonderful person at first, helped me lose the weight and treated me like a princess. That was, until he started drinking heavily. From beer, it went to hard liquor and he became abusive. He started hitting me and my dog. It finally got to the point where I got a restraining order on him, he broke it, went to court and I haven't seen him since.
While we were separated, I met my son's father and we all know where that landed. He is no longer around. I started using drugs while I was with him, I drank a bit more than I used to and I became selfish, uncaring and got into witchcraft. I believe that this stems from that weird visit, or should I say, continuing visits from Luna since I was a child. After four months of being together, I found myself pregnant, homeless and always in the hospital because my son wanting to be born early. He was born early by six weeks. I knew then that I needed to do something with my life. During this time, child services placed me in yet another group home for single mothers. While I was staying down there, my son's father brought another female to live in my apartment. He came to visit once while I was down there, was using drugs and all kinds of nasty things. I felt I was unable to do anything at that point in time. When I came back home, I let him stay for the sake of our son but it became too much. I was told of God's love and that I needed a savior. My son's father didn't want to listen but I knew that my life was on a one way track to Hell if I did not start to change how I was living. I kicked out the father, started going to church.
After a year, though, things changed and I was back where I started. I got a computer, internet and another world crept into my life. I learned what cyber and phone sex was about and used it often. My church attendance went down to nothing, got rid of my Bible and started living on my own again. I was used and let myself be used. I again became uncaring. I lived two lives, one on the computer and one as a mother. My computer time seemed to increase while spending time with my son decreased. I wanted the attention, I wanted to know that I was a great sexual being and Luna continued to hassle me.
The one event that changed this for me, I was suicidal, no self respect and becoming more angry once again, I tried to commit suicide. I was standing on a bridge, ready to jump. I looked at the water. I smoked cigarette after cigarette until I had enough. I said, "God I am going to jump and I am going to jump now. If you want me to live, you'll send some one right now to stop me." At that moment, a police officer came and took me to the hospital. I was transported to a psychiatric unit and wouldn't you know it, there was a Bible waiting for me. I started reading once more, read the whole thing from cover to cover, hungry for more. I started going to church and my computer time is usually used at night time.
Why have I written all of this? I know there are others like me, people who use drugs, have sex on the internet, on the phone or with multiple people. I know what it's like to be beaten and raped. I know what it's like to be a single mother without support. I know what you are going through. This applies to men, as well. There is hope, there is an answer. If you truly wish for this to stop, as I have many times before, turn your life to Jesus Christ. Your problems won't go away, temptation will still stare at you in the face but He is the Way the Truth and the Life, you can't go to Heaven without Him. You may be going through difficult times now but why do you insist on doing them alone?
