actually, it was the other way around, but it makes me sound cooler if i imply that i won...
anyway, the other day it snowed out here in lovely wisconsin...and anyone who lives out here knows, when it snows, it's fun to drive around. soooo around 10 pm a few nights back, i decided to twirl my vehicle around in the snow and drive to a 24-hour wal-mart in the nearby city of burlington. upon my arrival, i felt hungry so i browsed the food area and stumbled across what i thought may have been the greatest thing i had ever seen in my life...
that's right, steven seagal's enegry drink. i was so sure of the quality of this beverage that i purchased both flavors; cherry charge, which probably tasted like cherry, and asian experience, which probably tasted like asians. i was so pleased...this wal-mart had given me boo berry cereal, and now it had given me an energy drink based off of a man who could kick chuck norris's butt in a fight.
yeah, i said it. chuck norris has nothing on seagal. chuck norris is so great he can slam a revolving door, eh? well, steven seagal is so great that he can slam his own career, which revolves around the same script with slightly different scenarios....take that chuck norris. 'top dog' ain't got nothin' on 'today you die'.
do you realize that nearly all of steven seagal's movies have a word meaning death in the title? there's a reason for it....he'll murder you like toomi would win a body odor contest; with ease.
anyway, back to the energy drinks....let's start off with cherry charge, since that's the one i drank first anyway. personally, i'd call it 'cherry chuck'....as in upchuck. i wanted to vomit the moment that vile liquid touched my soft, pouting lips. my firm, supple breasts bounced up and down as the liquid made me gingerly cough up the mixture onto my smooth, shapely theighs. the mixture then caressed my skin like a lover creeping itself up my skirt...and i screamed out, "take me now!!"....
....i was talking to the guy in the sky, of course...i wanted to die from the awful taste.....get your minds out of the gutter, ya pervs.
anyway, i thought maybe i had just imagined that it was gross....after all, it's steven seagal's energy drink; it's pretty much implied that it'd be every bit as good as his movies...unfortunately, it was every bit as good as one of his movies, so i poured out the satanic liquid on the road as i drove home.
i then decided to drink the asian experience beverage in an attempt to get the cherry vomit taste out of my mouth. as i drank that beverage, i instantly decided that i never wanted to experience asian culture again...and if that is what asians taste like, i'll be avoiding them if i ever go cannibal. if i was stabbed in the eye with an anchor, i'd be in less pain than what i felt when i drank that liquid of destruction. it was the flavor of cherry upchuck without the cherry....so i was simply left with upchuck...which is almost what that drink produced. needless to say, the asian experience got to experience the same fate as cherry upchuck.
now, feeling betrayed by what i thought was going to be great...i took a look at the cans and read the following words next to steven seagal's face itself, "a natural energy drink packed with vitamins and exotic botanicals." exotic botanicals? well, a botanical is something made from a plant...exotic is unusual...i think he's taking the manure used to fertilize plants and mixing that in with the recipe....'cause really a steaming pile of poo tastes better than those energy drinks...not that i'd be able to compare from experience, mind you....but if i could, i would tell you that aside from carbination, the two taste exactly the same.
in closing, steven seagal's lightning bolt energy drinks did, indeed, shock me. i was expecting a quality product from that squinty-eyed doofus...what i got was sadness....some nausea....but mostly sadness. steven seagal, like in his movies, won yet another fight by killing....except, this time, he killed my heart....
