OK - for once I am going to be pathetic and show just how human I am... I've just about had it...
If you are reading this, then you already know that I am the sole caregiver of an 84 almost 85 year old woman with Alzheimer's a pacemaker, a brain shunt and on a walker (when she feels she needs or remembers it or else there are hand prints and wash swirls wiping them off the walls and doorways or falling when least expected, or in a wheelchair when necessary) that is the mother of my past love who died in my arms in April. Well, it seems the dementia has hit a new level and I feel I am about to break.
This evening while doing dishes I had a feeling to go check on her while she was in the bathroom (mind you - she is incontinent and continues to attempt to go about 20 times a day flushing the toilet at least 3 times each attempt and always wets the bed so laundry is a 3 load minimum daily routine). This ritual can take anywhere from 10 minutes to 1/2 an hour or longer if I do not pay close attention to every move she makes but she's quiet and sneaky. Even the baby monitors I have set up can't pick her up sometimes above the dogs panting.
Well back to where I was before I digressed - I went to check to see if everything was ok and I caught her trying to eat my Goddess Bath Salts in the bathroom. This led me to investigate what the hell else is going on. Well, I don't know if that was wise or not because it led me to several unpleasant discoveries and I feel like such a failure as a caretaker.
Apparently Eleanor has been either smarter than what the professionals had led me to understand about the disease and she is testing my limits or it's gone beyond what I can handle at this point. Imagine losing her false teeth on an almost daily basis (usually found under a pillow or the bed), finding 3 "poo balls" in her nightstand drawer, depends stuffed in spare pillows, lotions in shoes and used toilet paper in robe pockets - and all this since she came back home on Monday after my holiday break!
I bust my ass cleaning and keeping everything sanitary so she does not wind up sick or in a hospital for what? This? What happened while I was gone and she was with her real daughter? Oh wait, that's another tangent - but reason for me being her legal guardian.
I had to duct tape the medicine cabinets shut, put a combination lock and tie on the vanity storage (child locks seemed to be futile as they were what was in place prior), a child gate in the hallway to keep her from wandering while I am passed out from sheer exhaustion (yes, previously she tried to go outside buck ass naked the doors but thankfully have a 2-way keyed entrance and alarmed sliding glass doors in the wee hours of the night/morning), and pieces parts of what was once edible food in a variety of places under her mattress.
This is all that had resulted from one day of discovery. Never mind what had been done in the past that I took as her loss of memory and deterioration and progression of the disease. She will not chew or eat meat anymore so all my "gourmet meals" that I love to cook have to be mushy and soft or pureed in the blender and drank through a straw or served like bisque.
Feeding the dogs chocolate or off her utensils while she eats with the same thing (ewwwww... gross!), stuffing tissues in places I dare not mention and a plethora of oddities that I simply dismissed as part of this deplorable, despicable and degrading disease to be taken with a grain of salt and not to heart because it simply just is.
Oh well, I guess I could go on forever but am so bleary eyed from crying I cannot see straight so sayonara. After all, I am human and not a stone and do break down every once in a while...
